last minute thoughts before baby

things around my house are quieting down

i've made time for naps almost daily for the past few weeks. this unbearable heat (especially when you're 9 months pregnant) has us inside most days. i've given in to tv and movies for our 2 year old as much as i did in the first trimester. and i'm ok with that. it keeps her still...mostly. it keeps me from wearing myself out. it mostly keeps the peace. after mid-morning i call it quits and tell her she has to play, until about 4 or 5 when i have to start thinking about what quick and easy thing i can whip up for dinner.

speaking of dinners and food, i can't tell you how much i have enjoyed the success of our garden this year. we have three beds, and right now more tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, blueberries, and nearly-ripe cantaloupe than we could imagine. a few strawberries, onions, potatoes, and heads of lettuce are peeking their delicious faces at us as well. i remember the night we found out i was pregnant, coming home to last year's garden (which failed miserably) to find dozens of tomatoes. and now, here i am, on the verge of bursting, and our garden--one season later--is flourishing. it reminds me how blessed we are.

impatience has set in, as all of the claims to early delivery have now been shushed, since my due date is tomorrow and we've had nothing more than a couple of small false alarms. two weeks in row my midwife announced me at only 1cm dilated. not effaced. still posterior.

ugh.

the words of those close and even perfect strangers ring in my head:

"the second one always comes faster!"
"you won't make it till next week!"
"oh i was 3cm for weeks with my second--it'll be so much easier for you!"

and here i am, still hoisting myself into the easier yoga positions every day, walking most every night, eating mounds of dates, drinking raspberry leaf tea, taking large doses of evening primrose oil--and baby is still snug as a bug in a rug.

and that's fine. it really is.

is it annoying that we have to keep buying groceries (because every week feels like it'll be your last before you move to freezer meals and take-out and meals from your friends and neighbors and church for a while)? yes. am i aggravated that i have to re-clean my house because 2 weeks ago i scrubbed it from top to bottom? sure. even the fact that i had to re-paint my toenails yesterday because the 10-day-no-chip finally maxed out. those things are slightly irritating.

but nothing compares to the part of my brain where june's birth still sits with me. long. foreign. hard. nothing like i thought it would be. the truth is, i've prayed for peace, i've rested on peace, and still i'm fearful.

i voiced my fears to my husband about a week ago and when i got done (which felt good), it was funny because his fears were the exact opposite. while i feared laboring too long, going to the hospital too soon, accepting defeat and an epidural (and what that might lead to), HE actually fears that i'll stay home too long and he will have to deliver this baby on the side of the road! then i saw some of the humor in the situation. it made it easier to come out of the cloud of uncertainty.

a few weeks ago our pastor preached on the popular "the lord is my shepherd" psalm 23. he talked about how profound the part about resting in green pastures was, about how hard it was to be a sheep--constantly stalked by predators, never at ease...how glorious it was that a sheep may lie in green pastures.

i envisioned myself in green pastures. and i found it. i found my safe place.

deep breathing and the power of envisioning yourself somewhere else are two of the key elements to making it through labor that i read and re-read. deep breathing, check. i can do that. i already did that. but how do i relax? how do i find a calm space?

i can let my Shepherd take me to lie in green pastures.

those that have been there may be saying at this point "sure, let me know how that works out for you!" and let me assure you, i remember well it well. i remember nothing but the pain of what felt like someone trying to drive a 747 jumbo jet out of my pelvis. but maybe. juuusssttttt maybe, this time, i can make room for one more thought and make it through this.

and maybe my body will help me out by preparing a little more in advance this time ;)

i don't necessarily want quick. or easier. i just want something less than 24 hours. less than 12 would be even better! but even if it's not, i can rest knowing that the sensations won't be so foreign. that i have a midwife who desperately wants to be present at this birth! who believes in me and my body's ability to do what God made it to do.

"you're just gonna go in there, you're gonna do hard work, and you're going to have this baby the way God intended."

amen and amen.

so start praying now, friends! i may not have the chance to ask when baby starts to make his or her way, so pray for me now. pray for baby now. pray for the people in the room. pray for my green pastures.

and now a two year old sits in her room going "mooooooom!" upon waking up from her nap. when did she start calling me "mom?" child, you are 2 1/2. we live in the south. i am still mama! i can't deal with being mom just yet. ha! and while you're at it, pray for big sister, too. she's not quite old enough to understand the whirlwind she's about to be pulled into! :)