the home stretch

less than one month left. four weeks and some change. considering how quickly the last month passed, i'm expecting/ hoping the last will do the same. although, considering a little miracle some of you may know as jude (who was due 4 days after my baby) has made his way into the world 5 weeks early, i'm aware that anything is fair game at this point!

 i wouldn't say i'm miserable, in any sense of the word. i'm still enjoying pregnancy. but i am achey, tired, and uncomfortable. seats that i've planted my hiney on for hours at a time on multiple occasions are now uncomfortable after about 20 minutes. in fact, i'd say 20 minutes is my limit in any position. 

i've also been fighting a sinus infection for close to 3 weeks now. i thought it was just a cold, but i should have known better. i never just get a cold. it's always a sinus infection. i already finished a round of antibiotics (5 days ago actually) but it seems to be creeping back. luckily i go to the doctor once a week from now on so it's easy to get that checked out. 

i'm glad to have had a small christmas break and few days off work to rest and enjoy time with family that next year will be replaced by the challenge of traveling with an 11 month old. the days of packing our bags in an hour and hitting the road are officially over. 

speaking of christmas, i received this little jewel from my list and i've been enjoying it ever since i opened it: 

it is laugh out loud hilarious. i've heard good things about it from friends and i'm glad i remembered to put reading it on my before-baby to-do list, because it is so good. and a little comical relief from the not-so-comical parts of pregnancy that can otherwise be frustrating. if you buy it and read it before or early during pregnancy, make sure to read it again at the end, because you can also reminisce about the parts you may have forgotten (or are just so glad to be done with that you've placed them out of your mind).

and speaking of to-do lists, the nursery is put together at least. the crib still needs its mattress and bedding, and the walls are still blank, but it's for the most part baby-ready. thankfully my mom is coming in a week and has offered to sew the crib bedding for me after i get it cut and pinned into shape. 

and in case you missed the facebook post, here is our christmas card from this year. they never got sent out because i never got around to ordering paper and printing them, and because stamps are not in our budget right now! but enjoy the photos (as taken about a month ago) as a semi-recent update of the baby belly. a co-worker took them for me (for free)! she takes most of our ad photos and does a great job, so i asked and she graciously obliged. 

as far as other pregnancy experiences and observations, not too much has changed. i have, however, developed an increasing aggravation with people who have little personal spatial awareness...or maybe that's just because my spatial awareness has increased...or maybe just my spatial requirements. if you're a little confused, imagine the following scenario i was caught in yesterday: i ventured with my husband's family to crestview walmart (actually a better experience than i imagined), and as i brought up the caboose of our line, a group of people to my left and a group of people to my right decided to pass on the same side of the aisle. instead of just letting my pregnant butt pass through this awkward intersection, all of them just proceeded on walking and i was caught in the middle of a creepy stranger cluster, instinctively hugging my belly and making angry faces while i shouldered my way out of the pile-up like a running back in hot pursuit. after safely escaping, i wanted to turn around and point angrily at my belly and yell "watch it! don't you people have any respect for a pregnant woman?!" 

i think maybe that people just don't have any respect for each other in general anymore. similar to however many times i rode the tiger transit (the auburn university transportation system) standing up while carrying two armfuls of drafting tools, while 27 frat guys sat comfortably with nothing but a cell phone in their pockets. this is the world we live in now. and situations like yesterday's probably have nothing to do with respect for pregnant women, and a lot to do with my mama bear instincts rising up. i can't imagine what i'll be like once baby is actually here. i might actually snarl at someone.

in other news we toured the birthing ward at the hospital today. it was so peaceful and the staff was amazingly nice. on top of that, as we were talking to our guide (jackie, the surgical prep nurse and nicest lady ever) we found out they encourage a lot of the things i would have requested anyways of our hospital experience. so we were glad to hear that we won't have a struggle in that area! i think they'll take great care of me :)

also i gained five pounds in the last two weeks. there was a number on the scale that was .2 lbs away from a number that i thought for sure i'd freak when i saw. i actually walked away, turned around, and got back on the scale just to see if it was right. BUT all-in-all, i'm still only up 26 lbs total. that's totally fine, and by the looks of my belly it's mostly baby...ok and maybe christmas food. 

and this has gotten long enough for one entry, so i'll leave the rest for the next. and i'll try and update more frequently since these last weeks will fly by!

burn, baby, burn

*disclaimer: i cannot figure out why there is phishing within my blog body texts. i've tried switching host sites and had the exact same problem. i give up. so for now i'll just keep blogging. just please don't click on any links! i did not put them there!*

so back to the blog...

less than 8 weeks until i no longer have a pregnant belly and instead have a baby. EIGHT. gulp!

as christmas approaches, part of me wishes little monks was already here so we could spend the holidays with our little bundle. but the other part of me knows that i will probably enjoy having the stress of the holidays over so that it's just us and baby. the closer my due date gets, the more and more anxious i am to the time when baby gets here. i want to know the sex, i want to know if he or she will look like me or jeremy. i want to know if he or she will have lots of hair and big feet and be fat (like the both of us were). i want to know i will pass down my surprising newborn alertness or if our kid will get my husband's 4-day-old jabbering (that apparently never stopped from that day forward). i want to know who this baby is!

but i also have really enjoyed pregnancy, for the most part. apart from minor aches and pains, pregnancy is a breeze compared to my normal life. i don't know how to say this politely, so i just have to say it: my "time of the month" was hell. i dread it's return more than labor and delivery. mood swings, depression, breaking out like a 16 year old, cravings, and feeling like my body wants to kill me. in fact, one of the tip-offs that i was pregnant was how normal i felt when i knew i should have been hunting down cheesy carbs or crying over the thought of smelling a real french bakery (why so specific, you ask? because that has actually happened...i have actually teared up while daydreaming about the smell of a french bakery). so maybe, juuuust maybe i'll be one of those lucky cases who's hormones level out a little after pregnancy. if not, i have no choice. i'll just have to get pregnant again and repeat the cycle until i decide i'm done. and i'm only half kidding about that.

in other news, we got swindled into going into babies r us. talk about overwhelming. who knew you need so many things for a baby?? well, i guess you only need very few items, but with all these cool new things they've developed to make parenting a newborn easier, why not? so we now have 2 registries. i have yet to look at babies r us online to check the list because (much like our wedding registry) my husband was in control of the scanner. and he gets a little out of control. he's the reason we have 2 sets of nerf guns.

anyway, here are some new things pregnancy has brought on in the last couple of weeks:

• heartburn. ay! i guess i'm at that stage. whatever i eat leaves me burping and my throat sore, so that my voice gets froggy from time to time. 
• i also can hardly breathe after i eat. not big meals. normal sized ones. it's getting crowded in there! just getting situated in bed leaves me out of breath. i feel like an incredibly out-of-shape person.
• i cannot shave my legs by myself (partially because there is no ledge of any sort in our shower for me to rest my foot, but mostly because i cannot bend over that far anymore). my husband had to do it for me before a wedding
• i also need my husband to help me take off my boots
• shirts that i never thought i'd grow into...well...let's just say they fit
• our baby moves all the time, sometimes to the point where i hope my skin holds up and a baby foot doesn't bust through my mid section like an alien
• hiccups! it took me a little while to realize what they were until one day at work i kept wondering what baby was doing in there to create such rhythmic bumps. and then a light bulb came on! 
• i've developed a peace about my "health care provider." she is amazing. the more we spend with her the more i feel like she really respects me and that i'm not just another job to do. she knows the answers to everything, and i love her honesty. i truly feel like i'm in good hands. if you're having a baby in pensacola, please ask me about her! i would highly recommend her.
• i'm very much looking forward to my maternity leave (despite that it's unpaid and i haven't quite figured out how we're going to swing that). i haven't had a vacation from work in about a year, minus the holiday here and there. although it won't be a vacation per se, at least it will be some time to focus on something other than the 8-5. 

so the real countdown begins! so glad i have Christmas to distract me from my impatience. i am so ready for that little peanut to be here!

nursery fever

29 weeks. 29 inches of baby tummy. 15 pounds up. still healthy, and my cute little baby kicks have turned into "owww! what are you doing in there?!"

other than that, i'm becoming increasingly aware of how little time i have left to get everything "prepared" for this baby, especially considering our guest room is being inhabited for another month. i was reminded by my friend that this can be pulled off successfully in four days, which makes me feel a little better, knowing it can be done. but i still have a hard time trying to quiet my nesting hormones telling me to make way for this little guy or girl. 

and so begins the "nursery design" issue. 

below is a bird's eye view of my guest room/nursery. we rent so wall color/trim is staying the same, which is white walls with sage trim. the floors are medium stained original oaks. there is a brown jute rug in there that i'll probably trade out for the softer wool powder blue one in our living room. there is a queen bed, a night stand, and small dresser that are part of set that is pewter and natural wicker. as you can see there are a lot of doors and windows, making space planning difficult. the door to the right leads to the entry space to the house. we don't use it. i would center the crib on the door and use it as a backdrop, but then we may not have room for a chair (which is actually wider than the one pictured). and i can't decide if i want the crib centered with the door or with the bed. because the bed has to be centered with the window. i'm too anal not to have balance.

moving on. this is my guest bedding. i love it. love love love it. 

and these are the fabrics i like for baby. i've decided to take on making my own crib skirt and bumper. i can't find any out there i like enough to spend the money on. and i also cannot stand the way pre-fab crib skirts just hang and blow in the breeze. it's like window treatments that don't hit the floor. drives me bonkers. on top of that, i want to be able to cover the space beneath for storage. 

i'm for sure using the middle fabric, and either the top or bottom with it (not both). you can't tell from the picture, but the dots on the top fabric are actually a darker turquoise than the stripes. it's cute. i also really want to add pom-poms to the bottom of the crib skirt. 

i already have turquoise and orange accents in the room. i don't and didn't intend for the two room plans to blend or go together well. i think i just really like the color combo. 

with the middle fabric i'll most likely go with a natural crib finish and leave the wood--gasp! unpainted wood? whoever heard of such? anyway. i already gave my bit about the curtains, i'll leave painted wood alone. and i'm guilty of it myself. i just painted and repurposed a wood dvd shelf over the weekend. sometimes it is necessary. back to topic--the wood finish will help keep it more masculine since that fabric is definitely more feminine and i'm about 85% sure i'm having a boy. a white crib would be too girly.

so that's what i've got for now. it may change. 

oh and we have a real live registry now! with real things on it! who knew you need so many things for a baby? i think we had fewer things on our wedding registry.

now. back to my quinoa-roni and cheese.

gearing up for 3rd

time is officially flying. october is almost over. my favorite month! what did i do for it?! everyone keeps saying that with the holidays coming up, my third trimester will fly by and the baby will be here before we know it. i think with or without the holidays it will fly by, if the rate it's going now is any indication.

today is our one year anniversary! i can't believe that in three months we'll have a baby. while i won't say we weren't caught off-guard by that fact, the closer it gets, the more real it becomes, and the more exciting. 

to celebrate our last anniversary without kids to worry about for a lonnnnggg time, we went away to fairhope, alabama for a couple of days. it's not something we had in our budget, but we went anyway, cherishing our time away from life. we took the back roads there and on the way we passed a yard-side flea market at which i spotted a pretty neat looking dresser (we've been looking for a dresser to use as a changing table for a while now). the dresser was ok and we ended up not getting it, but the real treasure was a crib! a jenny lind crib frame for TEN. DOLLARS. it was missing the springs/mattress platform but i thought, hey, for ten dollars, we can get one of those off of ebay and make the dang thing work. 

{for those of you unfamiliar with jenny lind, she was a popular singer/song-writer in the mid 1800s. this type of wood spindle furniture came out around that time and was named for her. originals would probably be worth a lot more than $10, but it has been inexpensively replicated for years and years and has always been regarded as very classic, especially in children's furniture.}

the stain on the one we found is coming off around the edges, and it's a medium stain (lighter than the picture). not something that particularly matches anything i have. although i'm usually an advocate of wood and saving an original finish, this crib may need paint. 

for six months i have managed to hold back any need to create an elaborate nursery. mostly because we don't have cash monies for that, and also because i think (no, i know) the baby won't really care. in 3 years when our kid is into dinosaurs and we have to create a dinosaur themed room, then i'll get into "designer mode." people have been surprised that we are not finding out the sex, not only for clothing preparations, but also they say "aren't you a designer?! how are you going to plan the nursery?!" easy. we find a crib. we find a changing table. done. that's all we need. 

that being said, now that we have a crib--now that we have a starting point--my gears are finally starting to turn. this is the bedding i have picked out (the one thing on our registry). at this point i'm not sure if i'll keep it or not, but these are at least the colors: light turquoise and tangerine.

we're not exactly sure what to do about our nursery situation. we have a 2 bedroom house. one of those bedrooms is ours (and is very large) and the other is a guest room, which is very important when all of your family is out of town. we originally planned to have the crib in our room, but we've heard from more and more people that having a baby in your room equals no sleep for mama. too much temptation to jump up at every little breathing pattern change. a crib will fit in our guest room, so i think that it will go there. which works out well because the colors in there are very similar. and it just so happens to have the prettiest bird bedding which would keep the unintentional bird theme. so either way, we have options. we will be putting casters on the crib so we can wheel that little bugger wherever we want.

so enough about that. here's a 6 month picture for you, taken in downtown fairhope. i hope that dress fits for a while! i wear it nearly every weekend. it's comfy and one of those "i'm obviously pregnant" outfits.

not much new in the way of pregnancy news. i feel more movements. i can feel when there's a head pushing to one side. typically the baby is head up and feet down. i've gotten a lot more bladder kicks. that is interesting. one of these days i won't be so lucky to control them and i'll tee-tee myself. sometimes my blood sugar acts funny in the morning. i called my doctor in a panic thinking surely i had  gestational diabetes. they told me low sugar in the morning is perfectly normal and not to panic and just drink some orange juice first thing in the morning to help level it out so it doesn't spike after i eat. 

other than that i still feel great and i am still growing outwardly (as the picture above shows). people now, very confidently, approach me as a pregnant lady and ask me questions. i have to admit i kind of like it. i definitely gave pregnant women the "aww, you look so cute" all the time, so to be on the other end of it feels kind of neat :) 

i've also been so enjoying the company of my friends who are mamas. i've gotten to spend several nights (up past my bedtime) chatting and listening to parenting stories all the way from pregnancy to toddler-hood. i think the most important thing i've taken away from everyone is that there is no one single method that works for every parent. you kind of have to just find what works for you and do it. 

i welcome any advice, so long as it's given in a nurturing way. it's funny how some people deliver their advice in a "you can never be prepared enough" scare tactic kind of method. as if i have a choice. the baby is already coming! i'm no more prepared than they were with their first, which is why i love to hear people's stories! but luckily there are very few of those, and more often than not they are acquaintances. or perfect strangers. and they don't count.

i've come a long way since knowing no one in pensacola when i moved here, to starting a family here and having such a great network of people around me for support. i may not be mentally prepared for a newborn, but i have a lot of friends who have been there and done that. and for that i am grateful! 

pregnancy brain

today i am 25 weeks and my body is officially out of vertical storage space for this baby. it happens when you're short and short-torsoed. so this baby can only grow out, which is happening quickly. and strangers are no longer afraid to refer to me as being pregnant.

another thing that is happening quickly is the deterioration of my brian, or "pregnancy brain" as i've heard it called. i noticed in the first trimester a general forgetfulness, like forgetting to bring my lunch to work or forgetting my phone. little things. now i've moved onto decision making processes that kind of make me appear to be an idiot. especially at work.

i've been called "slow" multiple times in my life. both in joking and serious manners. it's something i've come to accept. but one thing people need to understand about me (and my husband knows this well) is that i'm not a slow thinker, nor am i an idiot. i simply have a very detailed thought process. i'm a thinker, and actually quite logical. i live in my head a lot. and sometimes i am having very deep thought conversations with myself while performing simple activities, which might make me appear to be slow. i am not.

but i don't know where my mind has been recently. when people ask themselves "what was i thinking?!" i am asking myself this in a very literal sense, wondering if i was thinking about anything at all. when people give me pertinent information, it seems to disappear whenever i need it most. or whenever it would be a really good idea to recall an important fact (like in which order shampoo and conditioner are applied to your hair)...gone. i hear it gets worse, but i hope not. i feel like a legitimate idiot sometimes.

but really, all in all, i've had a near perfect pregnancy. and i did not expect that at all. so i am trying to be grateful for that. my weight, size, blood pressure, emotional state, etc. all have been stable and perfectly on track. i have developed a strangely overwhelming sweet tooth (in my non-pregnant state, sometimes i don't even like chocolate, nor can i stand the smell of cupcake icing), but i'm trying to combat it with fruit and natural sugar sources, although that doesn't always work when you live within a few blocks of krispy kreme and that daggum "hot now!" sign is ALWAYS on. stupid donuts...

with the third trimester around the corner, i'm trying to enjoy being pregnant while i can. time seems to be flying. this baby will be here before we know it!

we also finally started a registry. there is one item on it. but, in my defense, people have been SO good to us in providing most of what we need. we really only lack the non-exciting essentials, like diapers, burp cloths, and creams (lord help me if i have to use the word "ointment"). at some point we will hunker down and get serious about it. but not just yet. i want to enjoy all that we've been blessed with without thinking about more stuff we need. with our ever-growing "baby pile," we might be broke but our baby won't know it!!

this explains a lot!

so i've been (reluctantly, due to my hatred of being photographed) having the hubs take photos each month to document my progress. it's no wonder i feel so much bigger lately. look at the difference between months 4 and 5! definitely broke the barrier between questionable weight gain and "there's a baby in there."

and last night we witnessed our first exterior belly movements. the mister likes to say in a deep voice "yo, lil' baby monks--this yo daddy! go clean your room!" and we got a few kicks out of that (literally).

sidenote: it's too bad my hair didn't look as good in 4 as it does in 5 (or all the others, for that matter). i'm having a good hair day apparently! must be the drop in humidity which i'm thoroughly enjoying...

our little night owl

so i'm in week 23 and i just really need to ask all the moms on "i didn't know i was pregnant" a question: how did you not feel that?! if i didn't know there was a baby inside of me, i'd for sure think it was an alien. in contrast to the beginning movements, i know this ain't gas!

last night i was awake (as i usually am during the baby's active times of the night) and felt some sort of limb move from one side of my belly to the other. not the usual jabs and punches. from my kung fu days i thought to myself "i think that was the elbow move from line one...yep, definitely the elbow."if it hadn't been dark in the room i'm sure i could have seen it.

but one thing is for sure, the night time movements are much bigger and more pronounced than the daytime flutters and squirms. i'm afraid we're going to have a night baby on our hands. especially considering how much time i spend just lying awake. something tells me my internal clock is being adjusted. bye-bye sleep! see ya in a few years!

there's not much else to report for the last couple of weeks, except that i seem to have grown a baby in a week. sometimes i walk past the mirror on the way to the shower in the mornings and do a double-take. i even googled "23 weeks pregnant" to see if i was a normal size compared to other women. i'm afraid so. i just don't have as much room. considering the baby already monopolizes every square inch of body cavity i have vertically, the only place for him or her to grow is out. just when i think "man, i'm really starting to look pregnant," then i start looking more pregnant. easy logic, i know. but when it's your body changing, it's very much a daily adjustment!

and that's pretty much it. no cravings, no mood swings. just normal me with a growing belly and an active night owl inside.

whoa baby!

21 weeks. time is flying!

lots of changes these days. like, for example, i'm sitting here trying to type a blog feeling like i just ate 5 lbs of pasta because baby has decided "hey! there's so much more room up here!" and has moved into my ribcage for the time being. where normally my lower belly is tight and round, it is now loose and deflated while my upper belly is quite round (and uncomfortable), unless i can convince little monks to move back down to where he/she is supposed to be.

i also feel like i finally look pregnant (in some clothes anyway). it's definitely that stage where people are starting to look at my belly and wonder. my sister's friend had a shirt that said "yes, i'm pregnant." i think i need that shirt.

i'm feeling kicks and turns and movements all the time now. what started as just a flutter here and there are now full-blown scheduled times of activity (right now i'm picturing the part in step-brothers where they bunk their beds and survey the room exclaiming "there's so much room for activities!"). for example i found myself wide awake at 2am a couple of nights ago, first hungry for a pb&j sandwich, and then returning to bed for probably the most movement i've felt so far. about a week ago i was finally able to feel the little movements on the outside of my belly, but i am lucky to catch them. but that night, all i had to do was rest my hand anywhere near my belly and that was enough to catch the choreography going on inside there. it was crazy! and even the hubs has gotten his hand over in time to feel a few bumps here and there.

i feel a lot of normalcy right now. no crazy emotions or cravings or anything like that. still a general tiredness from time to time, but not a "i can't get out of bed" exhaustion like the first trimester. i just usually think to myself how great a nap would be. i've gained 3 whole pounds, and for this i am very relieved. i admit there's a lot of vanity tied to that, because i've long had a great fear of what my body would do during pregnancy. i'm short, and already curvy. haven't considered myself "thin" since my early teens. i have little room in my body for a baby (and when i say this, i don't exaggerate--i just got back from my prenatal appointment on friday and was shown exactly where the top of my uterus is right now...i have four inches left--FOUR, people). and because of this i always feared i'd balloon up and be one of those women who gains tons of weight during pregnancy and is left with an unrecognizable body afterwards. i had pre-accepted the fact that i'd just be a beached whale as pregnant person. but i think i'm doing ok. i've read and heard that if the majority of your weight is gained towards the later half of pregnancy that you have a much better chance of returning to your normal weight pretty quickly after birth. now, don't get me wrong. i DON'T think these thoughts are healthy in anyway. nor do i judge other pregnant women by the way their bodies take shape during pregnancy because i've always thought pregnant women were beautiful. therefore, i realize that this points to an underlying issue of insecurity. but, dangit, right now i'm just happy that people are telling me i look great for once in my life! i'm living it up while i can!

so other than the fact that i sometimes feel like my legs are going to break off at the hip, i feel pretty good. no major problems. but dang, my hips really hurt sometimes! and i can't pinpoint exactly what it is. some sources say it could be sciatica, and some say it's your joints moving because your ligaments are more stretchy. whatever it is, i'll be glad when that part is over. i'm living for my heating pad most nights.

i also think i finally settled on a healthcare provider to deliver our baby. i didn't initially plan on switching, but i think we've made the best decision possible given our options. and i've learned a lot more about the birthing process since this all started. i just pray everything goes normally and without complication. i like to whisper our baby words of encouragement that usually involve the word "seven" and "little." i like to stay away from words like "nine" and "ten" and "big."

i also went to this giant mom-to-mom sale event thanks to a friend who gave up her ticket and got a lot of goodies for really great deals! one of them was a pretty sweet dinosaur onsie. it even has socks with "claws" on them. it is awesome. my husband and i have a thing for dinosaurs. and i was a dinosaur for my first halloween. super cute.

and i'll just leave you with that thought in your head since this has turned into a novel. and i'll try and get some pictures up soon of my growing (and moving) belly!

almost half way

well, i'm over 19 weeks. and we had an ultrasound last week! above is my favorite picture. it's not so skeleton-y and you can see the perfect facial profile. i'm a little obsessed with that cute little nose. the ultrasound lasted a long time (partially because i didn't want the torture of drinking as much water as they wanted me to before going in, and therefore they made me drink it when i got there). while there we got to see flips and rolls and waves and feet. it's such a reassurance, because even though it's pretty apparent that i'm pregnant, i don't feel a whole lot yet. seeing all that movement was like "all that's happening inside my body?!"

but i am starting to feel more! especially at night when i lay down, and in the morning when i really wake up and really have to teetee. i guess since my bladder is so full there is less room for baby and i can feel more?? i don't know. all i know is i like it! it's surprising how emotionally attached i am to someone i don't even know yet.

i've also come increasingly interested (perhaps mildly obsessed) with pregnancy, the birthing process, and early infancy. i want to know everyone's birthing story. i want to know what it was like when the moms in my life were pregnant. i want to know everything. and people aren't as willing to give up their experiences with me as i would have thought :) every time i see a pregnant woman i want to stop her and invite her over for coffee.

i've also become increasingly opinionated. this is no surprise. i don't claim to be a non-opinionated person. or a non-stubborn person. i don't surprise myself. but i understand the birthing process is something very personal, so for that reason i don't really like talking about it with people. first of all, i don't want to offend anyone. secondly, i understand (despite what everyone might think) that birth doesn't always go as planned. i know this! i promise i do! but i also think that there are a lot further measures you can go to in order to protect your birth plan. i've done so much research. watched a lot of videos. but i haven't experienced it yet, so that's why i'm still pretty private about it. i don't claim to be a pro! when baby arrives and i have time for blogging afterward, then i will divulge :)

i want to know though--is this normal? do pregnant women do this kind of research? or do they just go to the doctor, call the doctor when they're in labor, and go to the hospital and just have a baby the way everyone around them says it should be done? i think it's vitally important to not only know your body and what it's capable of, but to also know the process and know your options. it's never a bad thing to do research and i don't think you can be over-prepared for such a life-defining moment. i've even had fathers tell me that the absolute best moment of their life was seeing their children arrive into the world. wouldn't you want that to be as special as possible? (somewhere someone is going "yes, but safe and special"--i know, i get it.)

ok i'm done.

also. h&m has maternity clothes. and i bought myself a pair of skinny maternity mint jeans. oh yes i did!

word to the wise

try not to get pregnant during a planned bathroom renovation. especially a master bath renovation, adjacent to the place where you sleep...and keep you clothes, and dress, and do laundry, and keep all the stuff that used to be in said renovated space.

i am trying to keep my cool and not have a total control-freak meltdown, but i swear there is drywall dust hiding in the deepest darkest corners of our house, escaping all my attempts to get rid of it, waiting for a day to come out and spread itself all over my bed. and just when you can say "well, this is sort of clean and livable," the next day you come in to find that work has been done to create more dust.

i think what doesn't need to be said here is that, despite my overall emotional calm (with the exception of my weepiness around babies and baby subjects), you can say that i'm having one of those pregnancy freak-outs.

this has been an on-going project for about a month now. and that is a very long time to be put out of your bedroom. to have who-knows-what floating through the air and landing on your sleeping textiles. and to have to cover all of your belongings with sheets and blankets, which then, invite a surface for laying tools and plumbing fixtures on, as if there are not personal belongings under the sheets and blankets. little known fact about me: i have slight fear/obsession with air quality (i hold my breath when i walk behind running cars, or when walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke), and pregnancy has not made that any better. i am convinced that with breathing all of this, that somehow my baby will suffer. that he or she will be born with asthma or underdeveloped lungs or something else of the respiratory sort. toxins. toxins, everywhere.

are these rational fears? probably not. am i a little bit of a control freak? it's not unlikely. but still. that does not create within me some newfound patience or acceptance for things out of my control. it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

so please. pray for me and my sanity. and pray that no other tropical weather systems come through with their 90% humidity, causing everything to take 3 times as long to dry. and pray that this thing is finished by the end of next week. please. please, God, please. please. i am not learning any lessons here. i am only going slowly insane.

in other news, i have an ultrasound on friday. i'm hoping little monks stays modest and doesn't give away whether he or she is a he or she.

i also made a very terrible nutritional decision today. i was caught off-guard when my boss came in to work and immediately grabbed us for a pow-wow. before i knew it, it was 1:15 and i had become more hungry than i can remember being at any one point in my life. my muscles felt similar to the way you might feel while trying to drive a tractor after running 5 miles. i broke out in cold sweats. i don't remember anything that was said to me. i was shaking. as soon as i could i got in my car and drove to the shortest fast-food drive-thru line i could find. which was whataburger. and they were advertising patty melts. and i ordered one for $5.35 (not the meal, mind you--just the sandwich). it was delicious while it lasted. that was 8 hours ago. i am still regretting it.

the end.

16 weeks and some change

this title was meant to be literal, but then i realized it's pretty metaphoric...

pregnancy has forced us to face some pretty raw truths--not only about our lives, but about life in general. it's pretty apparent, that if there's some aspect of how we live that we're not satisfied with, that we have a very limited amount of time to do something about it. sometimes in life, God allows you just to meander around, choosing this path or that, reversing and turning around. and then other times (like now), you're more like one of 100 sheep trying to fit through a narrow gate, with a border collie nipping at your heels. change--although apparent--is not easily circumnavigated. it's tight, and awkward, and chaotic.

since finding out about the arrival of "little monks," we've been forced to assess our finances, our marriage, our jobs, our geographical location, with whom we surround ourselves, and where we go on sundays (and also the insane amount of stuff we have no storage for in our 20s house with no garage, which has also been daunting, but not nearly as mind-warping...for some of us). all of the other extra fluff in your life is stripped away, slowly, until you're left with the basics: God, family, friends, and health.

there are ways i pictured myself as a mom. but the way you picture it is never the way it turns out. i'm sure even those who planned their pregnancies according to a certain place they were in life would say that having a child was nothing like they thought it would be. i thought that we'd be comfortable enough financially that i could make the choice whether to stay home or go back to work. a part of me even dreamed that i would have had a thriving at-home stationery business. i thought we'd own our own home. and that we'd be close to family.

but even with all the uncertainty we face, there is one thing in which i'm confident: God takes care of us. even when it's hard to see or have absolute faith in--He always does. He is faithful when we are not.  kind without a degree of obligation, and loving when we least deserve it. we may not be taken care of in the ways which i would ideally plan. and instead of abundance, it may be just enough to get by. and because of this, i try and quiet the voices that pressure me saying "you have to provide--you have no choice now." i have to do my best, and for that i am accountable. but it's not up to me to be the provider. nor is it up to my husband. the minute we take on that mindset, the power is taken away from God. and when we take that away, we are nothing but frail creatures, thinking that by increasing our income we are more safe, when really, all the added pressure just makes the ground beneath us weaker. we are no safer making $100K a year than we are making $40K a year if we do not place ourselves in God's hands.

that being said, there are certain boundaries that i have always kept, that i will not cross in order to "increase my standard of living." and right now, those are crystal clear to me. i will not sacrifice the basics: God, family, friends, or health. because ultimately, no matter what your values are in life, no matter what you believe, no one at the end of their life is going to say "i wish i'd spent more time climbing the corporate ladder; i wish i'd made more money; i wish i'd gone in on those saturdays when i really needed to. i wish i'd cashed in more vacation days." if they're anything like me (which, i think most people at the end of their life would be surprised at how similar they are) they will say:

"i wish i'd spent more time with the people i loved. i wish i'd spent more time away from the office. i wish i had seen more of the world. i wish i had passed on what i love about life to someone else."

so now, my primary goals as a mom are not to be financially comfortable, to own my own home, or have a thriving business, or any of that. it's to spend time with my family. to not make my children spend too many days counting down the minutes until i'm home. to show them the things that my husband and i love. to teach them to love God and love people. to teach them not to worry, and to spend time outside. to laugh with friends. to take leaps of faith. to go on adventures. to truly love life and be able to pass on the same things to their children.

16 weeks down, 24 to go. we can't wait until you're here, little monks.

hello, second trimester

today i am over 13 weeks and officially in my second trimester. woohoo! i welcome it with open arms and look forward to the time we'll spend together.

what's different so far? my appetite is back. i have eaten eggs (in mixtures) 3 times now. i don't feel sick unless i don't eat. and the exhaustion is wearing away. i met a pregnant girl not long ago who told me her second trimester gave her so much energy that she got 2 more jobs. what?! i can't imagine that, but i'd like a bit of that energy. i still nap some evenings after work. and i'm pretty into hot fudge sundaes.

my tummy looks like it's actually gotten smaller...although part of me thinks the initial pooch was just gas. very real possibility, folks. but maternity pants = awesome. kinda like wearing yoga pants that look like real pants. and no one knows. i'm secretly way more comfortable than i look.

i'm working on learning to sleep on my side (not easy) and trying to eat more fruits and veggies now that i feel like eating. i need to get back on my green smoothie thing.

we also got to hear the heartbeat of our baby for about 5 very faint seconds. the hubs tried to record it on my phone but it didn't work. the doctor said "yeah don't play that for anyone. they're gonna be like 'i don't hear it. you're not even pregnant. stop trying to get out of things.' " he's funny. we like him.

also. the business of being born. watched that. informative. had a minor freak-out. let's just say our "birth plan" is subject to change.

still think it's a boy. everyone around me calls the baby "he." i'm sorry little baby if you are a girl. please don't develop a complex. we love you either way.

an update of sorts

well. there are no updates on the bathroom. mostly it's just empty minus the stripped shower, the toilet, and the washer/dryer. it smells funny, too.

but, it's the least of my worries, currently. want to know why?

we're having a baby!


and we are thrilled! i meant to start a scrapbook of sorts to journal the stages of pregnancy, but that hasn't happened so far (i'm a little over 11 weeks today) for multiple reasons: first of fear. secondly, pregnancy is exhausting--i mostly work and sleep...and try to eat. and also i suppose i just don't realize how quickly this will pass. i will never be pregnant for the first time ever again. 


so here is where i start. but first a recap:


i knew before i peed on the thing that i was pregnant. the way my husband and i found out was not exciting or magical. it actually happened surrounding a big fight. i (like a girl) decided to drop hints about pregnancy just to feel him out. and he (like a guy) made an insensitive remark, and i (like a girl) peed on the thing, and left it on the kitchen table for him to find when he got home. and after we fought and then made up, we got to share in our excitement and he got to tell me how sweaty his palms had been. maybe if i'd been a little more direct and he'd been a little less thick-skulled, we could have watch the very dark "you're preggo" line appear on the stick together. oh well! it's over and now we're just excited.


no, we did not plan our pregnancy. yes, we wanted to wait. we've been married a little over 8 months, we're broke, we don't own our house, we don't have a 4 door car, we don't have stable or well-paying jobs, and we live far from my family (an hour from his though, thank goodness). and the fact that we're newlyweds just compounds all of that (if you're married, you know). 


but, obviously this was planned by God, even if it wasn't planned by us. and even in our fear we are overwhelmed by the support and excitement of our friends. we are accepting the blessing and trying to move forward with some sort of confidence that this will be a major source of joy in our life.


and let me tell you something--no amount of planning can prepare you for the very real emotion of knowing you're responsible for a life. all the other times i've thought i might have been pregnant were wide-eyed and childlike in excitement. but when i actually knew--when i actually felt it in my body--a wave of emotion overcame by body. as i've repeated many times, i remember standing numb in the shower one morning, not able to think any rational thought except for "this is real. it's really happening." 


after that, the first emotion i was able to put together was a shocked sort of gratitude. as a twenty-something female, i am very aware of the fact that it is not always easy to get pregnant. in fact, at my last doctor's visit, my doctor told me that i had a very high chance of having endometriosis and that pregnancy was my best option--not only to slow the process, but to have children while i still could. well, we followed doctor's orders i guess! but i never thought getting pregnant would be so easy. i never thought, that with all the waiting and...well...frankly, having to work very hard for the things want in life, that getting a child would be something God would just hand over to me unexpectedly. i feel undeserving and greatly humbled.


but onto the nitty gritty.


how have i felt? ok. very very tired. sick to my stomach a lot (only threw up once though). early on i really liked french fries. and i totally get the pickles and ice cream thing. not together (ew), but something about the vinegar in pickles eases digestion (which i'm learning is very important in pregnancy), and ice cream just sounds good because it's cold. things i never thought i could hate, like macaroni and cheese, baked potatoes, and coffee--all sound disgusting. coffee smells like old dirt. and i don't even want to think about eggs. i eat multigrain cheerios almost every morning. with blueberries. sweets and fatty foods make me the most ill. i can eat peanut butter all the time, but pb&j's are not a good idea.


about 2 weeks ago i noticed the lower part of my stomach feeling hard. like it did when i exercised a lot and it wasn't as mushy down there! just this past week (so around 10 weeks), i started not fitting in my pants. it happened so fast! one day they fit, the next they didn't. i can still button most, but it's very uncomfortable. i've invested in belly bands, and stretchy waist-band pants. this past weekend my mom came and bought me a lot of maternity clothes. shopping for maternity clothing is not nearly exciting as you'd think. i know the "big" part of me will be my belly, but putting on giant clothes so that i can grow  into them is almost like buying clothes 4 sizes too big and trying to imagine yourself fitting in them. not easy.


this week the nausea has gotten significantly better, but i haven't gotten over just not wanting to eat anything in general. deciding on dinner is not an easy task. if i can convince myself to sit down and eat a well balanced meal, i usually feel better afterwards. i also can't eat as much as i normally could (which was an embarrassing amount--italians have an extra stomach for carbs). i'm probably learning proper portion sizes. 


i've lost 4 lbs so far, but i hear this is not uncommon in the first trimester. once i feel like eating again i should be on track for my weight gain. and just in the past few days my face has started breaking out like a teenager.


and at 11 weeks my baby is the size of a fig! he/she has fingernails and eyelids and can kick and move his/her individual fingers and toes. my mama says when i first start to feel the movements it's like a butterfly in your stomach.


OH, also. my instinct tells me it's a boy, but pregnancy hormones have been known to be irrational, so who knows. i've also, nearly immediately after pregnancy, have had an immense burden on my heart for how much hatred there is in the world. it's very clear that we have 2 jobs while on earth: to love God and love people. and most of us can't even do that. and christians are in the rankings as some of the worst. so many times we rearrange that equation until somehow it equals "love God and love people who share the same beliefs as you." i don't know how to explain to my child how such a simple command is so easily ignored. i can't even log onto facebook without being disgusted at how people can treat each other. i don't know if the weight is preparing me to be a parent in the world we've created, or if somehow this will be a burden my child will also bear. because honestly, until now, it's never really occurred to me, not in such a heavy heart-breaking way. and because of this reason, if our child is a boy, we have the perfect name for him, that arrived to me one emotional morning in panera. i'll share that later on, since everyone that asks seems to have an opinion on how appropriate a certain name is or isn't. sorry--you don't. it's up to me and my husband. and yes, now i totally understand why some parents don't share their name choices until the baby is born and named. 


if there is one thing i want my children to learn while growing up, it's that nothing gives us any excuse not to show love towards other people. no matter what they've done or how they live. against my human nature, i want to do my best not to talk about people in a negative way in front of my children that would cause them to have a negative disposition towards someone different from them. and i'm a firm believer that you're a far better teacher by your actions than what you say you believe. and hopefully by showing them that we still love them even when they screw up, somehow they can understand that God does the same with all of humanity. and that he asks the same of us. easier said than done, that's for dang sure, but we can at least try. as one of my old pastors said, "oh, christianity isn't deep enough for you? you want deep? love your enemy. that's deep!"


and as of now we're not finding out the sex if we can help it. as a family friend put it "there are far too few good surprises left in life." i don't think our baby will care if he/she is wearing the appropriate gender color. but as i've heard, digital imaging is pretty detailed these days so let's hope baby keeps his/her legs together enough not to spoil it for us :)


so here's where we are at week 11. moving onward. hoping God continues to prepare us for the immense task of raising a child in this life. 

demo update

one day and a one-man crew at a time, our bathroom is becoming a semi-usable laundry space. and even still i have to pick pieces of drywall out of the washer before i put a load in. 

these are some photo updates, thanks to my wonderful camera phone

the wall that once separated the bathroom from the linen closet

a close-up of the giant cast-iron pipe in that once-wall that i suppose is going to cause a pretty big lack of options in our space planning

the once-was closet and stack of re-usable wood trim

header above the bathroom doorway, which should be coming down in order to create a more open space. at least, that's what i think is going on so far. i think the plan has changed 10 times, and will continue to change when we uncover things like gigantic unmovable pipes. even if the placement of everything stays exactly where it is, at least it will be getting a facelift!

and in other news, i claimed this beauty (one of a pair of beautiful white marble table lamps) on our last shipment of lamps when it came in at work. i can see them across the showroom from my "desk." even though i got them for a ridiculously low price, i'm waiting for a fat paycheck to bring them home. aren't they great?! perfect for my white/gray/navy bedroom

the new normal

four years ago i moved to pensacola. since then my life has been a constant series of adjustments. at first i hated this place, but now i've adjusted. now it is my home. i'm rooting for the underdog. 

to a certain degree there are many choices we can take that determine our outcome in life, but in the grand scheme of things, we are not even near to being in total control. as proverbs states: a man can plan his course, but the Lord directs his steps. i realize this pretty frequently, perhaps more than most, and at this point i've realized that it's better not to fight it and just adjust. to some it may come across as apathy, but really, i'd just like to avoid anymore worrying than i already do. there's no need to worry about where i'll end up, or when i'm supposed to have kids. God will figure it out. and eventually i'll say "ok, you win. let's see where this adventure takes me."

i'm always discovering my new normal. this is my new normal:

-being a florida resident

-marriage. and all the stuff no one ever told you about it

-a partially demolished master bath

-wondering what in the world my degree means, or if it means anything at all

-retail work schedule

-weekday afternoons at the beach (under a big hat, and usually with a coverup on unless i'm taking a dip because i'm pale and i detest putting on sunscreen)

-working with a bunch of women that are my mom's age...and loving it

-not knowing what my paycheck will be

-(due to the above) days when i am thankful to have a landlord who will hold our rent check for a few days

-the "i wasn't even drunk last night" hangover

-thinking the auburn (or insert football team here) cheerleaders look like babies

-friends with babies. so, so many babies

-being at least 3-6 hours from your family

-realizing that 3-6 hours is a lot further than you thought

whatever it is, or whatever normal looks like for you, it's never what we thought it would be, is it? normal is constantly being redefined. and i'm ok with that. 

what is your new normal?

tiny setback

earlier, when i said the master bath was an early addition, i didn't know how early "early" was. but now i know it was a really early addition. because there are cast iron pipes below this bad boy. meaning the toilet must stay where it is, unless we want to embark on a big nasty (and much costlier) renovation.

back to the drawing boards...

the plan

this is what our bathroom should look like when all is said and done. or something close to this. 

the washer/dryer is staying where it is, along with the wall that separates it slightly from the rest of the space. i really had to use my noggin on this space planning. it's a tough space. 

this was such a successful plan because it gives us plenty of room to move around, a nice big shower, and it doesn't compromise my closet space, which is being moved to the other side of the washer/dryer. in fact, my closet is actually bigger (yay!). nothing will be blocked from natural light, so it will definitely feel less cave-like.

i'm excited! there's still more demo to be done, finishes to be selected, etc. but we're making progress.

an excerpt

i kept a journal through my semester in italy. sometimes i see my journal and flip to a random page and re-live the adventures of that day. i am so glad they made us journal. if it weren't for that book, some of the things i would never have remembered. here is one out of an entry that i read today, from 5 june 2007:

we got back on the bus just in time to miss a downpour. the rain in italy is like nothing else. you look out toward the mountains and you can locate the storm and see the rain coming down in blankets, sometimes so thick you can barely see what's behind it. and the contrast of the dark blue-gray against the golden and green fields makes make want to lay in a field and just stare up until it pours, watching the sheets of water slowly and gracefully move my way. what a great bus ride back!


dark gray-blue against golds and greens....if it weren't for that passage, i never would have remembered what summer rains look like in italy. that book is such a treasure.

remodel phase one: the demo

so we live in an old house. a rental. after months of realty let-downs, we found this charmer in south east hill, a few blocks from the bay (read back a few entries and you'll catch up). i am in love with it. we've always known that we wanted to buy an old house, and that when that time came, we'd be doing some remodels. but never did we think it would happen so soon. 

side note: when i say "we" i really mean "me" because if i had no say in the matter we'd already be in some new construction boresville house. but since i do have a say i pretty much don't settle for anything newer than 75 years old. i want something that's seen things, survived hurricanes, and has character. i want a house with a story. and this one is approaching 100 years, if it was built around the same time as our next door neighbors' bungalow. i'd say it's got a few stories.

our master bath was an add-on, and judging by the floors, probably an old add-on. it's awkward and small and plain. we knew there was some sort of small leak around the shower, but as renters we decided not to worry about it too much. well. that was until the day my high-heel punched through the vinyl tile all the way until it hit subfloor. the hubs sent a message to our landlord, and told him he'd be investigating. yesterday i get this picture in a text that said "oh and the master bath is inoperable for a while." 

 

"investigating" was an understatement. upon showing this to the landlord they came to the decision that the whole area needed an overhaul. needless to say i'm both excited and anxious. excited for pretty and new. anxious because my clothes are crammed in the guest closet and strewn on it's bed, my shoe collection is in a pile on it's floor, and because who knows if we'll discover deeper issues.

join us, won't you? i've always wanted to have a remodeling blog. be careful what you wish for folks. that's all i'm saying. 

so since i have no "before" pics, i had to improvise with what was left after today's sheet rock tear down. bear with me. because i also took these on my phone.

there are no doors that separate the space from our bedroom. we have curtains. when you walk through the curtains you walk into the laundry "area." to the left are some large windows and to the right is a linen closet, as shown.

 across from the linen closet is what used to be my closet. the shelves are knocked out and the left wall is now nothing but studs, exposing the plumbing wall to the shower. that spot below the mirror is where the sink was.

here's a front-on shot of the shower. super awesome fiberglass insert with just about enough room to spin around with your arms at your side.

and directly across from the shower is the toilet alcove.

and here's a shot of the scene of the crime. the floor directly in front of the shower. what you're looking at (anthropologically) is vinyl tile, then tar paper, then plywood, then the original wood flooring, then subfloor. we're considering carbon dating.

the whole area (laundry plus closets plus bath) is about 8x10, or 80 square feet, give or take (but probably take). what are the plans? well. knock down some walls. create space for a larger shower by eliminating one closet, making it more user-firendly, and tiling the floor and shower. i'm hoping to see something period appropriate, but it's not my money. although my landlord does have good taste, so i think it will look nice, whatever the outcome. 

i'm working up some floor plans to show him so we can come up with something really efficient. there are also plans to remove the layers of cat hair from the exhaust fan (previous owners--i do not have a cat). 

so here we go. no turning back now! stay tuned for more.

a few of my favorites these days

happy spring, everyone! i leave out spring from my list of favorite times of year. not intentionally. i think because it lasts so briefly. and through most of it i'm sneezing and sniffling. and cleaning up oak leaves. 

however, it's true. i do love spring. spring means i can finally stop moping indoors. it means our power bill goes down (briefly...i mean, let's not kid ourselves, it will be 85 degrees next week, i'm sure). it means the water is starting to warm up in the gulf, it's not dark when i drive home, and grilling out is always an acceptable option for dinner. 

and if you're anything like me, your target expenditures grow larger. mine have. and here's what i've been buying. these are some of my favorite things for spring: 

1. opi's cajun shrimp. i don't pretend like this is some new discovery i've made. at least 2 people have recommended it to me. and i pass along it's brilliance to others. it's a remarkable color. perfect for spring. and it tends to take on whatever color you're wearing. it looks red when you wear red, orange with orange, and pink with pink. 

 2. burt's bees pink grapefruit. every few months or so i get a craving for grapefruit. it reminds me of traveling and crisp mornings. i get a tiny memory throwback every time i put on this lip balm. it's delicious. and i have to say i'm a lip balm snob. i'm also an addict. for this reason i am extremely choosey when it comes to what i'll put on my lips. this is one of my top choices.

3. grillers, cookers, and roasters of all types: start your engines. my boss turned me onto this stuff: lawry's balsamic herb marinade. i drizzled it over top of a roast, put it in the crockpot mid-morning, and come dinner time, my husband thought i was a culinary genius. he couldn't believe i only added what was in this bottle. i hear it's great on steaks and burgers. meats of all kinds.

4. spring means a spike in humidity if you live in florida. i've spent my whole life searching for a miracle product that fights frizz. so far i haven't found it (and please, don't start all your hype about moroccan oil--it doesn't work in florida, but feel free to enjoy your lucious hair while i'm down here taming my lion's mane). but this is the next best thing: paul mitchell's super skinny serum. and the best thing is it comes in little 1 oz. bottles. perfect for a purse or pocket. i always put it on twice: once when my hair is wet, and once when it's dry.

5. along with frizzy hair, humidity also means my skin can't breathe, and i start to break out. my pores are instantly clogged. in a late-night run to walmart, i spotted this stuff on the shelf near my favorite toner (also neutrogena) and thought it wouldn't hurt to try. the main ingredient is benzoyl peroxide--the same stuff in the expensive acne treatments. i use it in the shower every morning, and i can't say it's a miracle worker, but it's definitely a keeper. my skin already looks better after a week.

there could and should be more, but these are some of the things that make my spring sweeter on a weekly or daily basis.

what are some of your favorite spring things?