blessings

one thing all married twenty-something women have to learn is that things don't always happen like they do in the movies. and when i say movies, i mostly mean the notebook. i hate you, nicholas sparks. i really, really do.

another thing that i've come to learn is that things don't always happen like they do in the bible. and when i say bible, i mostly mean the old testament. you know what i mean, common miracles: seas splitting, rivers stopping, old-age pregnancies, manna appearing out of thin air, a pair of each living creature willingly and peacefully living on a giant boat (peacefully is just an assumption).

why is this? well, i can't really say that i know. is it because we're post Jesus? is it because Jesus was our last big miracle and now we have a written account of our savior that the old testament folks didn't have? maybe God is up there going "if that wasn't enough for you, you certainly don't deserve for your staff to be turned to a serpent." i don't know. i only speculate.

blessings today do not come in the form of the kind of miracle you'd expect. every once and a while, i get to witness something that my heart knows is truly a miracle. it is not grand or big or even attention-getting. skeptics may call it "good luck" or "coincidence," but some of us know better.

i've been on a mission lately to truly recognize my blessings. no matter how small they may be, i have to recognize them and give thanks to my Giver. i haven't done a great job of this, but i'm getting better. and in this i have learned a few things about blessings. and i'd like to share them with you:

1. blessings are not always answered prayers
a few months ago i quit my well-paying, secure job because i was unhappy and because i truly wanted to pursue making my small, on-the-side stationery thing into a thriving business. and i failed. big time. i invested time and heart and money into something that washed up like a dead fish on the beach. but if it was something God wanted me to do, it would have worked in that timing. and it didn't. He has another journey for me right now, and that's the one i'm on. and that's my blessing--having Him say i know things aren't going as you planned, but they're going as I planned, and I've still got this.


2. blessings can come in unfruitful seasons
my life in the past 6 months can be summed up as a big batch of disappointment. i agree that this is all a matter of perspective, but sometimes you just feel the way you feel. our house search ended in total let-down, i was jobless and broke, i got let go from a job for the first time in my entire life (from working since 16...or 14 if you count summers babysitting), my entrepreneurship failed, and i accepted a job handed to me straight from hell, just so we could get back on our feet again. and all of this happened about the time my husband and i got married. what a way to start a marriage, right? i am in a season of cloudy days. and it is just that -- a season. it will not last. but. that doesn't mean i still didn't have blessing: we lost our house but found a great rental (with a great roommate--hello income!); i learned how NOT to begin a business; i was introduced to the real life need and importance for tithing; and i got a job for a month--a well-paying one, to keep us out of the poor house for a little while. i may be in the desert, but i still have manna on the ground each morning. not to mention i've accumulated a fantastic bunch of friends that will hear me out on my very real and very hard days, and a husband that does not regret marrying me although i'm sure being married to be has been less than awesome. they are all part of my manna.

3. blessings don't mean life will get easier
do you know what the israelites had to endure to inherit the promised land? remember all that stuff they went through? man, i'm thankful i'm not in that story. i'll take my own, thank you very much. now, let's go back to that job. i took it in desperation. that's the only thing that would have made me do it. i had $9 in my bank account and my tank was on E when i got the phone call. have i mentioned i worked for these people before? and did i mention it was the darkest 2 1/2 years of my life? and i went back. yep, that's me. crazy person. right here. and it was not the least bit easier or better. i remember crying in the bathroom one day (yes, i'm a bathroom cryer - judge me) and asking God "what on earth is your plan here?! what is it you're trying to accomplish?! because i am seriously not getting it." i went weeks without knowing the answer. but you know what i think it was? i don't think there was any plan at all. i think God was just helping us pay our bills. he had no other agenda than that. and to show me that blessings can mean hard work and endurance, and sometimes you have to stand on the threshold of hell to do that. (but really--i'm over exaggerating here, i'm sure there are worse jobs....in hell.) and i'm also never going back there. lesson learned.

4. blessings help you seek out the positive where you haven't before
i just got a new job. hooray! another blessing!! but my work hours will be totally different. i will have to work most weekends. meaning no more after church long lunches, no weekend trips, no lazy saturdays with my husband. part of me wanted to run the other direction when i heard that. but it is a job. it is a blessing. i accepted it graciously. but you know one of the super awesome things that working weekends means? i get days off in the middle of the week. i can go to the beach on a thursday morning if i want. now, in stead of hating all the sailors that i drive by in the bay on weekday mornings, i can swim out to them and give them a high-five. yeah! and i can go grocery shopping and avoid the crowds (i'll do anything to avoid a crowd). except on tuesdays. i once tried to go to sams on a tuesday, when it was senior citizen day. i've never seen so many under-qualified vehicle operators (carts included). i'll skip tuesdays.

5. blessings can mean new beginnings
my blessings have brought on lots of new beginnings: new job, new house, new husband, new work hours, new meaning to the word "broke"... lots of new. sometimes that's scary. but if i've learned anything, it's that nothing good will happen if you keep on doing the same boring stuff. you have to take a leap of faith sometimes. so i quit my job to pursue something that ended up in total failure. so what? you know what makes me different than anyone else? i tried. bam. there it is. and i had the blessing of a great husband who supported me in my decision. i've been in a lot of scary new places since that friday i walked out of my office. a LOT. but each one led to it's own blessing. and here i am again--the new girl. it ain't always a bad thing, folks.


i've accepted my season and i'm accepting my blessings, no matter how small. it has been proven that the more thankful you are, the more happy you are. and i look forward to those days. count your blessings, friends. sometimes they can be easily missed. i know i've overlooked most of mine because i was busy wallowing in misery and self-pity. although i am thankful for them now, i'm sure it would have been much better to be thankful for them in the moment.

i challenge you to find something presently in your life that is a blessing. something you may have overlooked, or maybe mislabeled. you'll be surprised!

desiderata

life takes you on so many strange paths.

one of those strange paths is the one that brought me to the following piece of literature, written on the back of a drapery card from carnegie (i am now working at the same firm that i moved to pensacola to work for nearly 4 years ago--either life is strange or this town is too small...but i think it's both).

back to my story. here i am, sorting through fabric cards and i happen to flip over the back of a certain privacy fabric and found, written on the back, the following work, called "desiderata". it reads:

go placidly amongst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. as far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant they too have their story. avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. if you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter or vain, for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. but let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. be yourself. especially, do not fein affection. neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. but do not distress yourself with imaginings. many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. you are a child of the universe, no less than the tress and the stars; you have a right to be here. and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. with all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. be cheerful. strive to be happy.

-1927, max ehrmann


to whoever decided to print that on the back of "affirmation II"--i'm curious if you ever knew what a reaction that decision would cause. to me it was much more than just a "hey look at this." it was a tiny ounce of clarity amidst the confusion of my life right now.