in the past week i've celebrated both the half-way mark in my pregnancy, and my daughter's second birthday.
kid birthdays are a strange animal, especially at two. because you know it's really not a big deal to your kid, but just because they don't care doesn't necessarily mean you want to reduce it down to a cookie cake with an open bag of chips and store-bought dip (not that i'm hating on anyone that's done that--in fact, props to you, real moms of the world). the party was very small, very intimate, and really i just enjoyed being able to talk to everyone on the beautiful day that was given to us at the end of january. i must remember that next time before i spend an hour and a half staring at party decorations and walking aimlessly up and down the party aisles at hobby lobby 15 times...
i started to find myself strangely disappointed at the people who didn't show that i always thought would be there. but really, i think it just helped solidify for me that we're in a new stage in life. hanging on to the old one has hindered me from really growing roots here. the more i resist putting down my own intentional roots, the more bitter ones start to grow. and that won't help me feel at home here at all. the small gathering of people that were there: those are the ones that God has given us to usher us into this new phase in life. it's high time i realized that and started being intentional about my relationships here. fairhope will never be pensacola. because they're not the same. and so our life can't be the same. my daughter has spent over half her life here now. and we'll raise our second child here. and probably the third, if/when that happens. this is home.
speaking of babies, around 18 weeks i moved past the "questionable isolated weight gain" phase and into the "it's probably safe to assume she's pregnant phase." i feel much more pregnant-looking this time around. of course, i also started out 25 lbs lighter than with my first, so that might make some of the difference.
just as with my daughter, just about everyone (including me) thinks it's a boy. so that probably means i'll hear my husband cry out "it's a girl!" again. that's just how it works, i suppose :) my midwife told me to trust my "mama gutt" but it led me far astray last time. so i'm leaving it to what it is.
and speaking of gender, people tend to have this notion that gender has to be "balanced" in a family. i've heard so many people say "let's hope it's a boy this time!" i really don't understand that. i'm borderline offended by it. and i know they don't mean it in an offensive way at all, but it insinuates that a girl would be less desirable, because then we'd have 2 girls and that would just be unbalanced. hell, i don't care if i have 4 girls (well, actually i do because when they all reach the tween and teenage years i'll surely go screaming into the night at some point). they'll all be equally wanted and loved. all equally desired. my prenatal yoga instructor (yes i'm doing that now--i've had one class but i absolutely loved it) put it perfectly when talking about her 4 grandsons:
sure, we may have all wanted a girl by that point, but when he was born, it was like "oh, it's you! who else could it be?!"
that is by far the most perfect description of what it's like when your child is born. i think that's why i don't like knowing the gender. i don't want snippets of who my child is. i don't want to assign an "appropriate" gender or personality to this baby before we have a chance to meet him or her. i want that exhausted, exhilarating feeling when they arrive and you meet, 100% in that moment.
"oh, it's you {june}!" not peter, not anthony, not susannah. it's you. who else could you be?
personally, that's how i'll probably always want it to be. i love knowing what other people are having. i love to share in their excitement. but since i've waited once, i'm hooked on that experience.
we do have running lists of names, but, i found out that my most-favored female name has quickly climbed into the top 50 girl names list, so that one's out. process of elimination, i guess! naming is a hard adventure. but i don't know why i worry. we all know this baby will be nameless for a day or so again!
in adventures of pregnancy, things are slowly smoothing out. i still have bad days, usually bad nights because for some reason as soon as my head hits my pillow at night, i get slightly nauseated, sometimes waking in the middle of the night, positive i'm going to throw up (but i don't). but they're fewer and farther between. i have headaches all the time, and they vary in tolerability. a few weeks ago i had one very very terrible migraine along with elevated blood pressure. and once i knew my blood pressure was up, i couldn't sleep that whole night, imagining worst case scenarios: bed rest, early c-sections, etc. but i went in to see my midwife, she gave me a shot and knocked me out for about 20 hours to get in some needed rest and get my blood pressure down low for a while. luckily it was a one time incident and since then (besides minor headaches), i've been fine. i bought a blood pressure monitor and it stays low. so for those that said prayers, thank you!!
{also, i'm convinced that everyone should take sleep vacations, especially when you have kids and you can't remember exactly when you last got a true, full night's sleep--i felt amazing afterwards...for one whole day ;) }
so other than the added exhaustion of keeping up with a 2-year-old, i'm finally feeling normal again. some days i don't even need to take a nap to function past 4pm!
i'm looking forward to finishing out the next 20 weeks smoothly. and i got around to journaling my thoughts sooner than i thought this time, so maybe you'll hear from me again soon! :)
