american dreamers

some of you may recall a house that i was in contract for since april (short sale...NOT short)

2 weeks ago the bank accepted my offer. i was ecstatic. the back-and-forth i had in my head about my future was finally ironing itself out. pensacola it is!

yesterday i found out that the seller had some financial information that he did not disclose to the bank, and therefore they will not do a short sale. meaning i don't get the house.

when i started house hunting nearly a year ago it was just for kicks. i was tired of apartment living and interest rates were low--why not? then i got engaged. and now it's 2 months until my wedding. it wasn't long before home ownership became much more than just a place to own.

i began filling this "house" with future memories--early mornings with a baby on a blanket in the grass while i spend time in our vegetable garden. building a chicken coop to supply us for the insane amount of eggs we eat (and when i say "we" i really mean my fiance, who eats more eggs in a day than i'd like to in a week). this house would be our home--our place to begin a family.

aside from that, for those of you who don't know, i am an artist at heart. a designer. a creator of beauty where others may not see it. a house is not just a dwelling for me. it is a blank canvas. i had, room by room, gone through color schematics in my head, orchestrating great spaces for living. of course on a small income i wouldn't have the resources to perform all of this at once, so i relished in the opportunity to wake up on saturday morning with a "to-do" list for the home: a masterpiece unfolding one weekend at a time.

i also dream of having a warm home for gatherings. nothing special, but a place where people feel welcome and comfortable and at home. bear with me through the next example: i have a friend who said she thought it was weird that all her son's friends were always pooping in her house (in the bathroom of course, not like animals). then one of the mom's of the friends told her "you should feel honored! people only poop where they are most comfortable--they are at home in your house!" so basically, in so many words, i want a home where people feel comfortable handling their business, if you will. the place where i live now, although decent and clean, is not a place where i bring guests. not only do i take no pride in my apartment unit, but how am i supposed to have people over when there is always a lingering smell of smoke (all kinds) from my neighbor, who sometimes decides he is starting a band (i think he plays the bongos), or the desperate yapping from the dog upstairs who obviously suffers from severe separation anxiety. this is not a home! this is not a gathering place!

all at once, in one phone call, all of these dreams i had fell to pieces. i fear i will have nowhere to live when i get married. i fear i will have to raise our child in an apartment and we will be the newly hated tenants with a baby that cries all night. i fear i will never be able to leave my own personal touch on a space; that i will never be able to create anything out of my dwelling. i fear i will not soon have a place to call home and invite guests to.

when i write it out it seems silly. lots of people raise children in apartments. lots of people rent for a long time. lots of people live within off-white walls. and they have people over in these spaces. and they turn out just fine. but tell that to my heart. tell that to the part of me that so achingly wants a place to call my own. a place that would make my children proud, and when they grow up they'll drive by with their children and say "that's where i grew up!"

a book i started reading challenges the american dream. in so many words you might say it calls the american dream pointless, frivolous, and worth nothing in the kingdom of heaven. i might say he's right. after all, the desires i have to have a family and a home produce within me a sinful reaction of fear, anxiety, and doubt, to mention a few. as james 1 puts it, i am tossed about like the waves of the ocean. i am unsure of my future, of God's path for our lives, and even worse, i doubt my ability to understand at all what God wants of me, and what exactly He was trying to do by stringing me along for nearly a year. i am emotionally exhausted. i feel shame in my heart, because i am standing on the thin line of those, who in anger, blame God. i don't blame him for my disappointment. i just want to know what his goals are. i don't feel like i gained patience, wisdom, or understanding.

but perhaps not enough time has passed for me to be able to see things clearly for what they are. i also came to the conclusion last night that not once in any of these processes or waiting games did i give up any control. when a peace came over me (however short-lived it may have been), i mistook it for a release of control. i was such a fool. we are creatures of misunderstanding, control, and it is hard to give up something to a God we cannot see.

i have mastered nothing in this process. i have learned little. i harbor confusion and chaos in my heart. my faith is wavered. i have no idea what to do next. i don't even know what to ask for. i know that things could be worse. i know that in a grand scale these troubles are minor--some may not even give them the honor of being called troubles. perhaps God is trying to break me of my worldliness, because i will be honest. up until this point i have never thought of myself as a worldly person. i do not love money, cars, or expensive things. but in this one thing, i am attached so deeply. i tell myself (and God): "is it so much to ask for a small house?! just a house with good bones to call my own?!" and God may be laughing at this point. perhaps it is the complete opposite of what he wants, and for this reason i am deaf to his calling. even in this speculation i am unsure. it is only a guess.

at this point everything is just a guess.

i've done it

i started a pinterest. name: dana amos; user name: newhouseenvy

at first i stayed away because 1: i knew it could result in hours of addiction, and 2: i knew i would fill it full of things i wanted for my house (the house i didn't have) and that if i did not end up getting the house, i would have a website full of sad little reminders.

but now things are looking up for the house and i'm taking the risk. plus i need something to distract me from facebook (evil evil social networking).

it's basically amazing. good thing i have a day job and a wedding to plan or else it'd be non-stop. it would surely become a problem.

all that being said, i highly recommend it!

not much longer now

for 2 things:

auburn football and my wedding

here's a picture i snapped really quick while i was waiting in traffic at toomer's corner. our sweet, sweet trees. they are not looking good. needless to say, i hope they make it. i hope by some miracle they beat the odds and prove that hatred never wins.

on another note, here's the reason why i was in auburn. my "little" sister got hitched!

i'm not supposed to put up pictures yet, but only 2 people read my blog so what does it matter?

isn't she pretty (and taller than me)? at one point in my hustle and bustle i ran into the mansion where the reception was held and her and chris were posing for pictures. in this mansion there is a blue and gold room--an elegant navy wallpaper with gold medallions and grandiose gold draperies. chris (the hubby) had on his perfectly tailored grey suit and he was rested against the fireplace. jennifer (my sister) was propped up against an old victorian sofa. i only stopped for a brief second but i will always remember it. it was so beautiful. my little sister all growed up!

an ammendment

to the last post:

i believe that brick should actually say "live the dream. make it happen where you are."

i love pensacola. i really do. i have more invested in it than i like to believe. our lives (by our i mean mine and my fiance's) have been at somewhat of a crossroads lately. do we chose what's best for our future or what's best for now? do we chose where the logic is (fairhope) or where the heart is (pensacola)?

the funny thing is, the choice has already been made for us, whether we know what that is or not. i was a fool to believe that somehow God's best intentions for me would lead me into a life of misery and hardship. i was a fool to believe that somehow i could control the outcome of our situation.

his timing his perfect. his ways are good. his plans are for the best.

on a broader spectrum, my church has also been at a crossroads. sunday morning all involved in serving were pulled into a meeting. i sat and listened as my pastor poured his heart out. there were many tears, even from me, a relatively small part of a big picture, only having been a part of the team for a year or so. i wished i could have been serving God like that, as to put my own interests last, and that of God's and the community first.

during service he shared the following video:

Pastor Josh Lipscomb from Liberty Church on Vimeo.

as the opening scene played, my first thoughts were "that's my home. pensacola is my home." for a long time i have known that i am called to pensacola for a reason, and although i may not yet know what that is, several times i have tried to run from that. when my time here is up, i will know.

if you say so

today i went to fairhope, alabama for work (like i do pretty often, at least once a month). recently a job opportunity has arisen that involves relocating to fairhope, which would be a dream i've had ever since the first time i visited that wonderful little town. it's playing with my emotions, as one side of me says "pursuing happiness may not always be pursuing God; happiness is selfishness" and the other says "you can follow God and still follow your dreams." i've been thinking about it non-stop. more than my upcoming wedding or the business i just started, or anything else that far more greatly deserves my attention.

well today, i parallel parked my car, got out, and like i do every time i'm there, walked over and ignored the dedicated bricks which line the sidewalks of downtown fairhope. but on my way back i walked directly over this one, pictured above. i didn't notice or read any others but this one. i actually stopped in my tracks and stared down as the brick almost read itself out loud to me. i got to my trunk to unload my bag and thought "you're being silly, it's just coincidence" so i traced back a few steps to read it again thinking "they probably all have inspirational quotes on them." nope. they don't. most of them just have names. in fact, all that i could see far enough to read were just names.

the problem and the solution is, fairhope is not a well-developed plan i have. it's just a hope. just a dream. i don't place myself much further past walking the streets of downtown on a pleasant afternoon, or enjoying a picnic at the park by the bay. the truth is, fairhope is only where it begins. God can plan the rest, if fairhope is his beginning for me. i'm just hoping for once that my own dreams can align with his.

and, marybeth--i don't know who you are, but i like you.