the apology

this weekend i made a brief and off-hand but very profound apology to my daughter as i was packing her in the car. i said "little girl, i'm sorry in advance that we're raising you to be christian."

it came both directly from the place i'm at now in my faith, and also indirectly from my experience with the christian world.

allow me to explain:

by definition, i am a christian. i truly believe Jesus was the son of God and that he came to demonstrate God's love in the most profound way possible. i believe he saved me, knows me, and loves me despite my constant downfalls. i believe love is the greatest power on earth. you know that beatles song? "love is all you need..." i believe that's true. i believe God is love.

but ya'll. christians are some crazy bunch of weirdos. and i don't mean that in a good way. my husband is a good weird. loveable weird. but christians, i think, are some of the hardest people to love. and i think that's because i expect more of them. i expect christians to know and take practice in the fundamental law of christianity: to love God and love people. but christians are just as imperfect as anyone else. and we're allowed to be. but i think we often times forget that. not only is it forgotten by non-christians in a way that paints us in a light that says "oh, aren't you christian? aren't you supposed to be holy and crap? and like, generally a good person?"

no. not always. not even most of the time. not any more than anyone else. i know atheists that are better people than christians. and i can name a few christians that i'd love to punch in the face. and just by that statement i prove my point--i shouldn't want to punch anyone in the face. i should love above all else. there is a song i used to sing in church growing up: "and they will know we are christians by our love" based on paul's teachings. when we fail to love, we fail as christians.

in general, i would say christians have let me down a lot lately. it is what has kept me away from church, disengaged, and distant from christian social gatherings. i'm tired of the euphemisms. i'm tired of the insincerity. and i'm tired of the masks people wear day after day. i'm tired of hearing "i'll pray for you" when i know it probably isn't true. i'm tired of seeing my friends be hurt my church leaders. and i'm am sick and dang tired of the word "awesome."

i don't care how awesome your church is. i don't care about your free coffee or your give-aways or your picnics or your pictures of all the fun you have. i don't mean to call out any particular church because this trend is fast-growing, and that just covers one "demographic." (although isn't it strange that churches have demographics?) maybe you belong to a church where you're tired of wearing a suit and tie. maybe you're tired of feeling like you're "going to hell". maybe you're tired of pointing fingers. maybe you're tired of having to "perform" like a christian. maybe you're tired of living your life sheltered away from everything because it is "sinful." from time to time all christians feel like outsiders. there is always something we want more of. what is it you want?

what i want is to be sincerely valued as a contributing member of the church. i want someone to ask me how i'm doing and mean it. i want someone--anyone--to remember my name. no. scratch that. names are hard. i want people to remember me. i'd go to church in a dang grass hut with no instruments if someone took the time to make me feel like i belonged there.

and that is a double-edged sword. because there should be no connection between my relationship with christians and my relationship with God. but this world is not perfect, and therefore that relationship will always exist. i know that God would never hurt me, hold a grudge against me, be insincere with me, push me away when i'm struggling, or completely forget about me when i wander off. but as christians, we are family. and family is never perfect. you can't chose your family. they are there whether you like it or not. and sometimes being hurt by family is the worst hurt you can have, and the hardest wounds to heal.

several places in the new testament, it is made obvious that christianity does not mean your life will get easier. sometimes that was very literal. the apostles lived with a price on their head. people actually wanted to kill them. that's hard. and still exists today, making me very thankful that all i get from people is an eye roll or sarcastic laugh when i tell people i am a christian. but i also think when Jesus said "in this world you will have trouble", he had a smirk on his face. i think he looked into the future and muttered to himself "cuz ya'll just inherited the whole looney bin! good luck with christians!" (i like to imagine God with a sense of humor and a southern accent. ya'll.)

i know i probably have the wrong approach. my desire to live a normal life and fit in somewhere stems from my failure to have so much passion for God that i don't care about anything else. i pray that one day God is enough for me and that i no longer look to this world for satisfaction. because right now this world is ugly. and that's a heavy weight for a parent. four months into this gig and i'm already wishing i could shield my daughter from the hurts the world will cause her, especially from christians.

it's funny though. those of you who have been readers of my blog may recall what my pregnancy was like. from nearly the instant i discovered my pregnancy i had a very strong inkling of who my child would be (gender was obviously not part of that because i was 90% sure she was a boy). and already i see that coming true. her face lights up in the presence of even perfect strangers. even when they don't pay attention to her she will smile at people that walk past her. i knew that she would love people. i knew it from the beginning. i just hope she keeps her child-like innocence and is not diluted by the harsh realities of the world.

i hope my daughter becomes what the christian family desperately needs: lovers of people; people in their raw and unpolished form. because people are weird. ugly. and at times unloveable. when we can truly love the unloveable, it is then that we have done our job as christians. we've got a long way to go.