once upon a time i started a blog about the beginnings of motherhood. those first few insane weeks. the ups and the downs. but the longer i've been on this adventure, the more i realize that it doesn't matter how many things you read to prepare you for motherhood--the only time you will ever identify with new mom advice is when you've already been there.
so here's a blog i read from time to time that i thought has some good things moms can identify with.
on another note, i haven't written anything in so long that somewhere inside of me there's a little writer screaming. sometimes i'll be in the middle of a workday and want to run home and blog/write, just to get the thoughts out and onto paper. somehow i am way more effective in communicating through writing than through speech. i need serious help when it comes to spoken words. if you want to really know how i'm feeling, ask me to write it down.
and here, for no reason at all, are some things i've been wanting to say that stand out in my mind right now, about motherhood.
worst-case scenario
this is something that occurred the very first night we brought our baby home. i had a series of at least three nightmares that involved my baby. one involved an invisible force-field around her bassinet that kept me from her. from then on out, there exists a space in my brain for these type of terrible thoughts. you know how we only use a fraction of our brains every day? well when you become a mom, you start using more. example: we were taking baby on a walk in her stroller at a downtown event where the roads were open to pedestrian traffic only. the hubs only buckled the part around her waist. i said "we need to buckle her in all the way!" he asked why and i said "because a drunk driver could come screaming down the street, turn off course and plow into the stroller, sending our baby head-first into the pavement," as i looked down at a particularly uneven part in the sidewalk where it had cracked and a large piece jutted out, and imagined her hitting one of those parts. i don't intend to sound morbid, here. if i did, i would tell you some of the other, much worse thoughts i've had that involved harm and death to my child. i find some comfort in knowing my husband has the same thoughts. we don't talk about them out loud and try our best to take such thoughts captive as fear sneaking in.
boobs can save the world
i have turned into an avid breastfeeding pusher. i want to join la leche league full time (aka the milk mafia, or booby brigade as some call them). the more i learn about breastfeeding the more i honestly think the downfall of our society could be solved with breastfeeding and the mother/child bond. i'm going to go ahead and tell you right now my kid is going to be able to toddle up to me and pat my boob for a snack. call me freak. i am not ashamed. that being said, i have had my fair share of breastfeeding battles. it was the hardest thing physically and emotionally for me to overcome after the birth of our baby. i felt trapped. my nipples cracked and bled. pieces of them came off in the shower. and the only reason i finally have an ounce of time to devote to this blog is because i'm home with mastitis. yeah. imagine having the flu and then go ahead and add in an incredibly sore boobie. but every once in a while when i'm nursing my sweet girl, she pulls off and i look down at her expecting that she's trying to push out a poot, or that she's fallen asleep, or is fussy--but no. she simply stops to look up at me and give me the widest gummy little heart-melting smile you've ever seen. as if to say "hey mama, thanks for giving me such delicious nutrition. i like this time with you." or at least that's what i hope she's saying. because i like my time with her. and by saying all this i don't mean to alienate the mother's who didn't or couldn't breastfeed. because i know some superwoman type moms who have raised perfectly healthy babies on formula. and they have just as beautiful of a bond with their kids. but i think those moms who might not be so inclined to bond with their babies, and even less so when their babies are children, and then teenagers--maybe if they breastfed they might develop some sort of bond that was unexpected and would last a lifetime. and then their would-be insecure child might not grow up and project his or her insecurity as some sort of crime, mental illness, or major life disfunction. maybe. i don't know. it would make a good study.
shout out to the couple with the crying baby
i swear my kid could be in the best mood all day, and as soon as i get in a foreign environment: screaming. for no reason other than she wants to be home. so every time i see a mom and/or dad with a crying child and everyone in the store/restaurant staring, i feel for them. and i know what it's like. put me next to the family with the young kids at the restaurant. i won't care. i won't ask to be moved. a short time ago, i would have definitely made a face and then looked at my dinner company and muttered "great." different case these days. now. i don't identify with the parents of fit throwing, disrespectful youths (yet). and i hope that my kid won't be one of those. and if she is, she better be prepared for a butt-whooping in the car. i will not tolerate disrespect in public. so i don't feel bad for those parents...yet...
give me more
despite the vibes my kid might give off in public or amongst a small gathering, she is actually a very good baby. based on that fact, i'll take a whole barn full of kids. the joy that parenthood has given me already is so great, that i can't imagine the outpouring of love and joy i would have with more of them. and add to that laundry, a house that is a disaster, a husband i get no alone time with, and even less sleep than i have now...i don't mean to sound naive. i also know i won't know the madness multiple kids will bring until it arrives. but i think it would be worth it. and i definitely want more. even three months into it. that's not to say i wouldn't have a total meltdown if i got pregnant tomorrow, but i would eventually accept and look forward to it. no, but seriously. i hope i don't get pregnant tomorrow.
love that grows
you can never truly know what you haven't experienced. that is what i'm learning most about motherhood. and one thing i've never experienced is this kind of love. i loved my baby when she was born. in a love at first sight, googly-eyed type of love. but every day i learn more about her, i love her more. and it excites me to know that i will learn so much more about her, and love her that much more. how is this possible? i don't know. i am just thankful that our beautiful creator loved us enough to share a love that big with us, and allows us to experience it.
and that's about all i've got for now. i hope to see more of this in the future. i take joy in imagining you have all been waiting on the edge of your seats for my next post. although that's probably not true, thanks for sharing in my ramblings. however relevant or irrelevant :)
