lost at sea

i don't know that i can accurately put into words what i've been feeling over the past several weeks.

it's been oncoming in waves and i feel like each time, the swells are bigger and longer. i feel...

like a foreigner...

in my new town. in my old city. in my body. in my mind.

in who i was. and am.

like i am no longer the person i used to be. upon first realizing this, i thought: simple enough. i'll just start being the person i used to be. 

i don't think that's even possible. i don't think anyone can just put themselves in reverse and be who they once were. your mind has changed, your circumstances have changed. everything has changed.

have you ever read the book the awakening by kate chopin? i read it in college in an english lit course. that book, professor, and whole class (which i took during a summer mini-mester to get out of the way) ended up impacting me more than i ever expected. without giving away too much, the book is about a woman--whom married with kids--has sort of a life crisis in which she begins to feel trapped by her life. in short, she acts out, trying to become more true to herself in an effort to hold onto what she knows to be 100% of herself, and no one else. for some reason, i was completely and totally sucked into that book. i loved it so much that i begged the professor to allow me to write my final paper on the awakening instead of the assigned book. she was a little shocked at my request (i don't think that happens very often), but she allowed it. and i got a 100 on the paper.

it always puzzled me as to why i connected to that book so much--i was just a college student. perhaps because i was on my own journey at the time. but now i feel like--without even reading it again--i'm connecting to it all over again. it sits on a bookshelf in my garage collecting dust, and i keep thinking about edna. and i know how that book ends. feeling an even stronger connection to her now makes me afraid of where all these feelings are taking me. not to say i feel the pull to the things she did (at all). that's certainly not it. but what selfish mistakes am i at risk for making? what will happen to my family if i allow my mind to wander to those places?

i hope i can find the kind of company here that does not judge me for what i'm about to say. hopefully you know me well enough to know that one of my highest values in life is family time. but...

being a mom can rob you of your identity.

don't lie to me and tell me it doesn't. everywhere i go i am a mother. it doesn't matter in what company or setting. i recently went to a work reunion party of sorts at an architecture and design firm where i was employed for a while. everyone knows that we had a kid, and that i'm home with her. and that's the only thing they could find to talk to me about. it didn't matter that i told them i still do design work and that i take freelance jobs from home. i might as well have not said anything about that at all. i felt like the person i used to be was forgotten. i felt like if i was still her i would be more interesting. have more to say. more people to listen.

and you can say what you will about that. perhaps it's the nostalgia in people that see my little toddler running around and part of their past wants to reach out to my present and relive the days when their older children were small. and i can appreciate that. it makes me hopeful even, that one day i'll look back on these days and cherish them.

don't mistake this as regret. i wouldn't trade it. someone would have to teach me how to breathe again if i lost my husband and child.

but every now and again i start to feel lost. an ache for the freedom of 21 year old me. even 25 year old me. the identity i used to have is somehow belittled down into something else--placed into some box, lumped into some sum, and shuffled together like a stack of papers where you're not you anymore. you're just one among the many. insignificant. unappreciated. forgotten.

have you felt it, too?

i once had talents and esteems. i was known for things, praised for things, valued for this and sought after for that. and then something happened--i am still all of those things, but somehow everyone seems to have forgotten (well, most people anyway). do you know what it feels like to be good at something?

several times in the past and present i've tried resurrecting those talents, only for them to end in total and complete failure. i still feel like me. and i see the old me. and it feels like the me now is an impostor of the me i used to be. and nobody sees. nobody cares. nobody wants to know the me i used to be.

so i called out "why, God? why have you allowed me drift into this nothingness? how did i get into this place? why is it so different? why is it so hard? what am i called for if not for this?? why are you giving me dreams that end in failure?"

silence.

i don't think he liked that question.

so i thought to myself about what was so different about back then, except for that i wasn't married with a kid. and sure that's a big difference. but maybe, after my kid is asleep, maybe for those that don't know i'm a mom i can still be that person? why is that so hard? what is so different about who i am.

and the answer:

back then, i didn't have God.

not that he wasn't there. not that, he didn't even give me dreams or a path then. he probably did. but for different reason.

but, see now....now i've opened that door of communication. most of the time i like to close it again. and then, of course, open it only when i have something to ask.

this past sunday at church, my pastor spit out a phrase that might have well been the end of his sermon. because i stopped listening after that.

THEY WANT A SAVIOR NOT A LORD!

daggers. daggers straight in my stomach.

that has been me. that has been me this whole damn time. (sorry for that, there. i try and keep it clean but sometimes there's no other word that works)

see, there was a long phase in my life where i needed people, and then things, and then people, and then God to lean on. i had to take care of myself and fill my life with dreams and goals, or else there were other things that had the potential to ruin me. now i have a family. a husband and a child who need me. and a world out there that God has given me a glimpse into so that with no clean conscience could i just live the life of a self-absorbed young adult. for the most part my identity lies within them.

perhaps...perhaps the talents and esteems of old me are dying because they need to. maybe they're dying because life is springing up elsewhere. and if maybe, i could find some way to let go and not worry about making sure the old me has left a legacy so that people don't forget my old talents...

then just maybe i can leave the place where i learned to crawl, and then walk, and then run...

so that he can put me somewhere else to learn and crawl again.

perhaps my identity lies in who GOD wants me to be, and not who i used to be. because my life before him--no matter how far i stray (and trust me it has been far)--was life without him. period. why would i want to return to godless? any desires i have for that old life are selfish ambition and pride rising up from a dark place within me that doubts God's good will and LORDship over my life.

at this point i don't know where that new place might be, because i am still wrestling with letting go.

i still feel like i'm lost and floating, asking God to show me the way, but deep within knowing he can't take me anywhere without me first letting go.

people throw around that "let go and let God" thing so much. a great reminder, sure, but a task only few can master. i wish people would stop saying it unless they've actually done it. we are worldly, we are tempted, we are disobedient, emotion-driven, pleasure-seeking, and peer-pleasing. the only way to have a chance at overcoming that is to have a LORD--not just a savior. not a dictator, not a slave-driver, not a rule-setter; a loving, hand-in-hand, gets down and fights for us kind of God, who puts us where he does because he sees what we don't, and knows what we never will.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews 4:15-16

it is that confidence i lack and ache for. so often when we begin to feel overcome and shameful of our wanderings, we do not approach the throne at all. just as adam and eve hid from God in the garden. oh to have confidence! even in one thing. the most important thing. because if there's one sea i want to be floating in, it's a sea of mercy and grace--not this one.

if you're out there floating like i am, don't be discouraged, friends.

i am thankful for all of you who can read this and know that it is only with complete honesty and transparency that i bring these words to a page out there for anyone to read. because in real life, it's not my nature to just sit down with someone and say "let me tell you of my struggles" because i know people have their own. but what in this world are we if we don't support each other? the support of a friend is all that matters, even if they can offer no advice.

you'll get no pretending from me--no high horse to sit on, no problem-free sunny world.

we've all been there.

please private message me if you ever need to get something off your shoulders but feel you would be judged if you were honest. one thing i can do is listen non-judgmentally.

and one thing i'll always be is honest about where i've been.

18 months

preface: my daughter is now actually 19 months. i wrote this a month or so ago when i was having a pretty rough week with her. i didn't publish it because sometimes i think people bore of blogs about raising kids. but, after i sat down and read it, i realized i had already forgotten those days i wrote about. the things i thought were permanent ended up just being a phase. now, just a month later, we're in new stages, having left the old behind. it made me recall what people always tell you: time flies. it flies whether you wish it away or not. it flies on bad days, and on the days you want to last. i go through stages where i can't write enough, and ones where i can't get inspired at all. but i am glad that i write. because parenting is truly a roller coaster: constant ups and downs--little ones, big ones, smooth patches where you get to catch your breath. and ones where you want to cover your eyes and hold onto someone. it's an adventure. a grand adventure worth documenting. even if it's just for me.

enjoy!

***

holy. cow.

i think if there's one thing that i would have to say about parenting, is that it must come from God in appropriate dosages. we're in a bit of a rough sleeping patch right now (and there's been a lot of those lately) and all i can do is be thankful that i finished the work i had to do for the day and that i still have leftover time to sit down and blog for a bit.

on days when i drag my screaming toddler out of the farmer's market in the rain (on a day when--of all days--no one offers to help carry my groceries to the car), i think "how do moms of multiples do it?" i read another blog once that came from a mom of multiples and her answer basically boiled down to needing, asking, and accepting more help. must be. because that's the only logical answer i can come up with. the job gets tougher, you ask for help, and it's given out in the appropriate dosages.

my daughter--my spirited, funny, loud, curious, and independent daughter--was a good baby. i will admit, yes, we had it easy. by the time i returned to work at 8 weeks, she was sleeping 7-8 hours a night. she didn't cry much, no gastrointestinal issues, and was generally very happy. she was one of those babies that made people say "just wait--your next one will be a terror!"

{side note: why do people say that?! no, seriously. who goes around speaking things like that over people?? it's something i'll never understand.}

but now... now the toddler years are upon us. taking her anywhere is a battle. restaurants? out. grocery shopping? a joke. malls? well let's just say everyone will know that we are there. and she's not even two!! or THREE! which i sometimes hear is worse than two!

lord help me.

and the sleep. i think it's the one thing we parents are concerned with the most. probably because it's a prized possession. every night this week i've been up at least once with our daughter, doing what i can to soothe her to sleep from whatever it is--teething is my guess--that's waking her (and i can't tell you how grateful i am for extended breastfeeding in times like these--those nighttime sleepy endorphins probably save a lot of laps around the house, especially for a baby who HATES to be rocked). for this reason i try and stay away from mommy forums, especially ones where sleep is a commonly discussed subject. because everyone has advice and everyone has problems. i find it's best to just take your kid as it is, do what works best for you, and leave everyone out of it. and me? well. i could be napping right now, but sleep likes to play this cruel joke on you where you're not tired until 8pm, and if you even try to take so much as a 30 minute power nap during the day, you'll be wired until 11 or 12. and then your 22 pound, crazy-haired 6am wake-up call comes just a little too soon. a terrible cycle.

but as much as i can tell you how this is the hardest job i've ever done, there are so many things i enjoy about watching her go from a sweet little good-sleeping baby, to this little brain with a unique personality.

i have dogs. two of them. and i've had dogs my whole life. i'm definitely a dog person. and i guess when you're used to raising dogs, there are times when you treat raising a kid like training a dog (not something i'm super proud of, but i'm hoping someone out there can identify with this). repetition, reward, backtracking, giving up. and then one day, out of the blue, everything you've been trying to get your kid to learn, she suddenly knows it like she's been doing it her whole life.

this week was body parts and new words. months and months of "where's your ear" and "what is this?" with nothing but a giggle or frustrated wail before running off to empty my tupperware cabinet. this week, i asked her what cheese was. she said "chissss!" i asked her where her nose, ears, eyes, mouth, and teeth were. she pointed to all of them. we normally rely on whining, grunting, distressed guessing, and baby sign language as primary forms of communication (i remember this with my younger sister--my parents would come to me in frantic pleading: "dana--PLEASE tell us what it is that jennifer wants!!") well, today, we discovered that with the right prompting, when we ask her a question, she will reply with a simple "yes" instead of arms flailing like a monkey and excited grunts. like a daggum pro, y'all.

my goodness, she's becoming a person.

and she'll "chat" on anything that slightly resembles a cell phone.

and we have this comforter in our guest room with berries on it. she pretend-picks the berries and makes gulping sounds while "eating" them. and then she feeds them to us.

we (finally) taught that loud mouth of hers how to whisper.

she wipes herself with toilet paper (just mimicry, over her diaper, of course).

if we go on a walk and see other people approaching from a distance, she holds out her hand in that southern neighborly wave-ish fashion and rattles off some sort of jibberish in a very projective voice. like she's saying "hey guys! great night for a walk, huh?! yeah, it's really cooled off!" it's moments like these when i realize that only upon immediate passing that i would just simply lift my head and say "hey." she is her father's daughter.

she waves at airplanes and says "heyyy!" she makes objects pretend to be FA18 hornets (the blue angels) making a pretty impressive fly-by sound. before i had children, i wondered why people went to all the trouble to take young children to places and events that they wouldn't remember. when my 18 month old makes sounds like a blue angel jet, i know why. they are sponges. they are impressionable. and everything counts. everything matters.

with as rough as this week has been, it's also made me excited for what's in store. i can't wait until we can have actual conversations. until she's in that "helpful" stage where she wants to help me do things. or when she wants to do things herself (which i predict a lot of). i don't mean to wish away the present, or be naive to the troubles that come with a developing toddler personality, but looking back at where we started to now...

it blows my mind. if i really stop and think about it.

when babies are born and parents say "we made a person!" they don't actually mean that. what they really mean is, we made a beating heart, a tiny human that needs us for every basic need...that they also happen to be instantly in love with.

days like today--these are the days when i think "we made a person!" and mean it. she's her own person. and the more i find out who that person is, the more i'm intrigued. because there's an instant love with having a child. and then there's the love that grows on you. similar to the love that grows on you when you start dating "the one". every day you find out more and more and more and every day you're more attached, more intrigued, and more excited for what the future holds.

it is truly the greatest adventure we've ever been on.

why i miss pensacola

if you've ever visited fairhope, you were probably instantly charmed by it, just like i was. it's beautiful, small, right on the water, has a funky little downtown surrounded by acres upon acres of rolling hills and farmland. there's no doubt it has appeal. i was in love with it for a long time.

so much so that i couldn't wait to leave pensacola. the town where i spent 5 years of my life. i probably spent a good year or two daydreaming about life in fairhope.

well, as the sayings go

hindsight is 20/20....

and

the grass isn't always greener on the other side....

we came to fairhope for good reason. no doubt it was a smart move in the direction of "the american dream." good schools, low crime rate, higher pay. and most importantly, my husband has a good job here.

but on our first drive eastbound on interstate 10 after our move, when we passed the pensacola exits, i burst into tears at the thought of never taking that road home again. even still, it doesn't feel like our move is permanent. every place i've ever left i was at total peace with closing the door to that chapter. i packed, i moved, and i moved on. (well, ok, i do miss auburn a lot, but not in a way that it feels like i'm returning "home" when i visit.) not so much with pensacola.

and people are perplexed to hear this. they can't imagine that living in fairhope would somehow be less pleasing than living in pensacola. after all, pensacola is hot, it has one of the largest populations of homeless per capita, it's a hub for sex trafficking and meth use, it's one of the poorest counties in the nation, hurricanes hit and some people never recover, the drinking water is terrible, cancer rates are suspiciously high, there's not a lot to do besides go to the beach, crime is on the rise, etc. doesn't sound appealing does it? you'd be surprised.

so. entertain my words for a moment and allow me to explain.

1. pensacola welcomes newcomers. it's a navy town, a beach town, a college town, and has a few small industries. it's used to people coming and going, the ebb and flow of strangers moving in and friends moving away. i moved to pensacola without knowing a soul (well, ok, i knew one person but it's not like we ever hung out just the two of us--we had a lot of mutual friends). and although there was an adjustment time, i grew out of the loneliness phase pretty quickly. i went through a drive-thru late one night and was astounded at how nice the guy was when he asked me what i wanted to drink. southern hospitality thrives in pensacola.

2. the beach. pensacola's best kept secret. everyone knows it has a beach--many are surprised it has much else. but not everyone knows that it is probably the most beautiful beach that you can find on the gulf coast. even a few miles in either direction towards destin or gulf shores, you won't find pensacola's paradise-like beaches. it just ain't the same.

3. the people. like i said, southern hospitality thrives in pensacola. bad food service was rare, nearly everyone is friendly, and i often found myself in conversation with total strangers. in general, i'm an introvert. i don't like crowds, and i sweat profusely in new social situations. however, when i am put in situations where i don't know many people, i can force myself to take on extrovert tendencies in order to not be the stick-in-the-mud my family likes to make fun of me for being as a child. so, when i got invited to community events, i went, i met people, and i had great conversation. i truly enjoyed my (pre-kid) late evenings in downtown pensacola. i didn't party; i didn't bar hop--i usually sat on a front porch somewhere and mingled with pensacola's finest.

and, i've mentioned before that i always had good neighbors. you'd be surprised how hard that is to come by these days.

4. the art community. fairhope likes to pretend it's an artists' community. HA! they just have enough money to take a hobby and make somewhat of a business out of it, not really worrying about profit or making a living. not that i haven't met true artists in fairhope--i have. great ones. but i met a lot more in pensacola. people that inspired my own creativity and made me miss the hours upon hours i spent at an easel with a paintbrush in my hand. i will say, disappointedly, that gallery nights in pensacola have turned into somewhat of a free-for-all, i'll-pretend-to-be-interested-in-your-art-if-you-have-free-booze, kind of thing. it used to be pretty cool. sometimes it still is.

5. the history. pensacola is (arguably) one of the first civilizations in america. i mean, old. i have lived in both of pensacola's historic districts and i would do it 100 times over. it didn't come without it's challenges, but there is nothing like walking down the streets of an old and established neighborhood. every house is different, and some houses still have the horse tie poles out front--you know, from when people took a horse to their friend's house. what?! how cool is that?! history, people! there's nothing like it. i walked the streets of my neighborhood countless times and it never got old. trust me, the appeal of a brand new house in suburbia is wearing off quickly.

have you ever taken a history tour of pensacola? i know it sounds boring (and maybe i'm a bit of a history buff at heart), but i'd say it's worth it. i think it's important to know where you came from and who came before you.

6. the food. hi my name is dana and i am a foodie. i hate most chain restaurants. i love to support local economies. and i love good food. you know that saying "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"? lies. lies straight from the pits of salad-eating and low-fat diet hell. there are meals from years ago in pensacola that i still remember. now don't get me wrong--i also like to eat healthy. it's a big part of our lifestyle. but denying yourself a delicious and innovative meal for the sake of dieting? well, it's just silly. if it's good enough to remember for years to come, then it's worth it. and i can say, without a doubt, i've eaten some of the best meals of my life in pensacola. when someone asks me where to eat in pensacola, they are not usually prepared for the answer i have to give them. or the enthusiasm with which i describe the food ;) do not talk to me if you ate at olive garden on your anniversary or birthday. with the delicious local fare abounding in pensacola, there is just no excuse.

7. the traditions, celebrations, and festivals. i have a terrible thing to admit to you. this year--yes, as a non-pensacola resident--was the first year i saw the blue angels show on the beach. all the other years it either got rained out, i was working, pregnant, or with a newborn. and we finally made it. and let me tell you something: it was incredible. it made me want to double fist pump and shout "yeah, 'merica!" if you don't go to any other event, make it to see the blue angels. but if you're like me and it just isn't in your favor, there are tons of other things to do: art festivals, parades (mardi gras is actually pretty big), cultural celebrations, evenings in old seville...all totally worth it. get out! see your town!

8. the blend of people. you know how some cities and towns have a "look"? i don't think pensacola has that. there's not a single defining group of people that is pensacola. we have it all. it's not as much of a cultural mix as some other larger urban areas, but for it's size, pensacola has a lot of different types of people: navy people, students, hipsters, hippies, beach bums, snow birds, deep south faithfuls, cultural and ethnic mixes, old money, new money, no money, and transplants from all over. you can be yourself and not blend in or stand out.

9. the trains. this probably wouldn't make everyone's list. after all, the trains arguably bring about a lot of negatives to pensacola. but after years of hearing trains all night long, they got to be a soothing sound of home. we could even pick out the different drivers. like there was this one "happy horn" guy that seriously was a little too active with his whistle blowing. those were the only times the train got to be a little obnoxious...but in a funny way. like, "here comes happy horn again..."

we were having dinner in downtown pensacola a few weeks ago and a train went by. i instantly lost my train of thought (no pun intended) and warmly exclaimed "oh, the train!" probably an odd reaction to some, but my husband and i instantly shared the same fond memories. now, i hear cows, donkeys, and frogs. not a bad trade, but i'll always love the sound of a train.

10. the helping community. if you want to know the true heart of pensacola, you should have seen it after the flood this year. i was moved to tears at the community efforts to get the town back on it's feet. i was heart-broken, humbled, and inspired all at the same time. there are several waterways that run through baldwin county, and this community experienced flooding of it's own. but (with the exception of my husband's beard club) i didn't hear of any community efforts to help those affected. i can't help but wonder why.

pensacola also has some very poor areas of town, affected by many terrible things. i'm not exactly sure why this is, and i know there is a lot more to it than meets the eye or that can be explained by too many people, but that doesn't mean it's forgotten. both in the past and the present there have been organizations and outreach programs to try and help these people the best way they know how. i don't know if there will ever be a solution. but at least someone is trying. if you are in need in pensacola, you are not alone, and there is always some place you can go.

i know good and well, there are times when the health, safety, and well-being of your family comes first. but just because a place is broken, poor, and abused does not mean you should walk away and dust it under the rug. it just means it needs more love. 

there are pensacola communities that recognize the need to love it's people. and that is irreplaceable. there is nothing better we can do in this world than to love people; to be the hands and feet of Jesus to someone else.

after learning to love pensacola so much, i know that i have to give fairhope the same amount of time before i can quit half-heartedly telling people i'm adjusting. and i know there are many places on this earth that i could grow to love just as much. (in fact, every time i take those silly "where should you live?" quizzes, i always get the northwest...which makes me curious as to the real reason why i like the show "portlandia" so much...) i'm not trying to make pensacola out to be the best town there is. i'm not that foolish. but i just want people to understand why it is that we left a little piece of our hearts there, as corny as that sounds.

take it from a person who learned the hard way: appreciate your city--the place you are in--at the given moment. love it while you can. love on it while you can. appreciate and learn about it while you can.

there's something great about every town. i'm just a little partial to pensacola ;)

the best pie i've ever made

i ain't lyin'.

i made an apple pie for the 4th of july that was the bomb.com. the fact that it was gluten-free was not even considered. because it was that good. it wasn't good for a gluten-free pie; it was just GOOD.

the only reason i'm tooting my own horn here, is because people still shake their heads a little when we tell them we still eat good food. well, this time the proof is in the pudding...err, uh, pie.

many of you have asked, and i'm finally delivering.

the pie pictured is actually peach. and it was just as good. so i'll give you both recipes, although the pie crust is the same.

gluten-free pie crust:
2 cups all-purpose gluten-free flour (i use Pamela's)
12 Tbsp butter (the real stuff)
2 Tbsp sugar
2 tsp sea salt
1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
1/4 cup ice-cold water

peach filling:
4-5 very ripe peaches (very soft, but not wrinkled or bruised)
1/4 cup natural cane sugar or turbinado
1/2 lemon, juiced
1 tsp cinnamon*

apple filling:
4-5 medium sized granny smith apples
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup natural cane sugar or turbinado
1/2 lemon, juiced
1 tsp cinnamon*

*i use the pampered chef's cinnamon plus spice blend; if you don't have this or access to it, add a dash of the following to your cinnamon: nutmeg, allspice, cloves, ginger

directions:

1. cube your butter and place in a bowl in the freezer while you prepare your fruit mixture

2. peel, core, and slice your fruit thinly (into eighths at least). mix in a bowl with the rest of your filling ingredients and refrigerate until needed

3. add all dry ingredients into a food processor and pulse quickly. add in your butter one cube at a time until mixed well (it will still be coarse). add apple cider vinegar, and then slowly add in cold water a little at the time until mixed well. remove mixture and work with your hands until it forms a smooth ball of dough. it should be firm, but not crumbly, and soft enough to work with--similar to clay. you can either roll out your crust right away or refrigerate it for an hour or so. refrigerating it will harden the butter again after it softens in your hands, so i usually refrigerate a bit. (if you make your crust more than an hour in advance, the dough will likely be a little hard to work with. you'll have to let it sit out for a while so it's pliable.)

{note: if you don't have a food processor, you can do this by hand, but just know that it will take a lot more elbow grease to get the butter chopped finely into the mixture. i did it once this way because my toddler was napping and i didn't want to wake her with the food processor noise, and frankly i couldn't make pies without nap time. it still worked fine, but i worked up a sweat!}

4. preheat oven to 350F and lightly butter a standard pie dish

5. with your ready-to-go ball of dough, roll it out evenly on a non-stick surface (you can also flour your surface and rolling pin slightly). it should be about 1/8" thick. it will roll out into a much bigger surface than your pie dish. gently lift your dough and place it in your dish. verrry gently press into your dish and tear off any that hangs over the dish. save your scraps for the top!

6. place your fruit filling in the pie.

note: peaches will "juice" upon baking, so ideally you want your mixture to be about half an inch to an inch lower than the top of the dish to prevent it bubbling over when baking. the apples, on the other hand, will shrink down a little--so fill that puppy up!

7. ball up your dough scraps and mold into a smooth ball again. roll it out thinly. you can choose to either make a full top crust or a lattice crust. if you choose full, just repeat the same process of placing it on top of your dish and trimming off any excess. press the two edges together with the tip of a fork, all the way around. cut small vent holes in the top. with a lattice crust, just cut your strips out and lay accordingly--press your edges in the same manner. you can even use tiny leftovers to create a star or heart or whatever you'd like, if you're feeling crafty.

8. bake for 45min - 1hr, or until crust is golden brown. note: without the gluten, i've noticed with baking that letting things get past the perfect golden brown stage will result in a tougher, chewy crust. with standard wheat flour, it will get a little flaky if it browns on the edges--not so much with gluten-free flours. just food for thought :)

9. if you wanna get real, serve warm with vanilla bean ice cream! mmmmmmm!!!!

here's a pic of my half-eaten apple pie on the 4th of july. i was so anxious to serve it and eat it that i didn't photograph the end result. my husband took this one :)

the juicy syrupy apply goodness that flowed from it got spooned on top of my ice cream. decadent, people. sent from above. 

happy eating, friends!!

the dreaded question

it's no foreign feeling to a mom in my shoes. nearly every woman who has left a career to stay home with a child has gone through it. and more women who have had kids are more understanding than you would expect.

but that still doesn't prevent that deer in headlights, squirming in your chair, momentary speechless moment when you have to answer this question:

"who's your employer?"

"where do you work?"

"what do you do?"

about 45 things run through my brain at this point. because i can't even begin to describe the real answer to that question.

before you jump ahead of me, this isn't going to be one of those things where i go into what a...stay at home mom...actually does, and how it's hard and we wear 29 hats, and that we have value. nope. this isn't one of those blogs. 

this is a let's get real and talk about how we really feel when we have to explain to answer that question kind of post.

because i know what i do. i know what my days are like. and other moms know what my days are like. but that still doesn't give me any kind of confidence when i answer that question. it doesn't instill in me any kind of value when i know what people think about stay at home moms. 

so then i answer the question:

"right now i'm primarily home with our baby"

"i've been taking some freelance work from home"

"i just started an internet interior design company, so that's been keeping me busy"

"well for the time being i'm at home, but i still have some design work on the side"

"i'm self-employed from home"

or. if i don't feel like explaining that complicated situation i just say:

"i'm not employed" or even worse

"i don't work"

that one is a joke. i don't work?? i shouldn't even entertain that as an appropriate response. but i do. because when people ask about me it's always "is dana working?" or "you're not at work right now are you?" 

no. actually, i don't drive to an office and sit at a desk all day long (thank God), but i actually do perform work. sometimes it pays, but most of the time it doesn't. 

so then i think, a more appropriate question would be "do you have a paycheck right now?" but no. no that's almost worse. that insinuates i don't contribute to my household. which would just ad insult to injury. 

so then, let's just add on top of that the culture in which i live right now. the last place i lived, it was generally understood that staying home with your kids was a sacrifice--by most people. i knew a lot of moms that stayed home that were in similar boats as us. but now, i'm in this small, old money, richest county in the state town where most moms stay home because it's what they do. they stay home, they put on yoga pants, drop their kids off at mom's day out, go to the gym, have coffee with friends, go shopping at publix, pick up their kids, and then they put on some cute little outfit and take their seersucker monogrammed romper family out to dinner in their new suv, pretending like they don't have real world problems.

i swear, this town is so beautiful. it's picture perfect. farmland meets coastland. i can take a drive down one of the country roads here and feel so at peace. like truly, this is God's country. like there's nowhere else i'd rather live. 

and then i go back "into town" and look around me and i wonder, "what am i doing here? i am a stranger--i am not like these people." 

and for that very reason, because it's human nature to judge someone's situation just by their looks and public actions, i feel a need to separate myself from them. every time i am out during the day with my kid and have to interact with a working woman, i feel like she's thinking the same things i'd be thinking:

"i guess she doesn't have a job. lucky. she's young. i wonder if she even went to college. her husband must make a lot of money. must be nice to be able to grocery shop in the middle of the day...."

then after you've made it known to someone that you don't have a paying job, you find it necessary to justify why. 

why do i stay home? 

well. it's not because i don't want to work. it's not because we don't need the money. it's not because my husband is trapped in some 1950s idealist world where he thinks a woman's place is in the home. it's not because it's what the women do in my family. it's not because i feel like it's "my calling." it's not because i'm a better mom when i'm not working. it's not because i've given up on my career. 

it's simply because we made a decision based on what we feel is best for our family. 

and i don't know why that's not enough. i wish i could change the fact that we all judge each other's financial situations and socioeconomic statuses. i am just as guilty of it as everyone else. every time i scroll through facebook and see other moms posting pictures getting their hair done, or their nails done, or lying by the pool, or out for dinner with their family, or on vacation, i think, gee, must be nice to have expendable income. and then a little voice chimes in and goes "now, dana, you don't know what their life is like. they probably work hard for that money. plus, those things don't matter in life anyway. your day will come. now, get a move on. you have a delicious home-cooked meal to prepare before nap time is over."

and to make matters worse, on days when i'm too sick to get out of bed (because i've made the decision to breastfeed my child, sacrificing my sleep and energy and body, certainly that's not enough and my boob is now practically dying before my eyes), my child is a complete angel for my husband, allowing him to do a week's worth of my work in one day. as if it's no big deal at all. swoop swoop swoop! happy baby, clean house, dinner cooked! now, wasn't that easy??

oh. my. curse word. curse word. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! what just happened here?! what kind of twilight zone am i living in?! i look like i'm living a lie. i swear to God i'm not home all day parked on the sofa watching entire seasons of netflix-available dramas.

so the truth is, i don't live my stay-at-home life with a smile on my face all the time. just like the working moms out there who wish they would have done it differently, there are days that i wish the same. days when i know that i'd probably be less annoyed with my toddler if we had 9 hours of away time 5 days a week. or days when i think about what we could do (and how many walmart trips i could avoid) with the extra money we would have if i worked. 

and then i snap back to reality. 

certainly there is some justifiable reason to why this is what we've chosen. and certainly God has his reasons for placing us in the situations we are in. rome wasn't built in a day, right? 

i guess so. 

and don't get me wrong. most days i love that i get to spend my days with a crazy-haired jabbering toddler who eats half of my food. it's a blessing. and i mean that in the truest sense of the word. not the southern bible belt sense of the word. this is time i won't get back. time i'll be grateful for when she's packing for college. 

but joyous time period can have hard, gloomy days, where you can forget why you do what you do. all because you can't justify it to someone else, it becomes hard for you to justify it to yourself. as if you need to justify it at all! what a concept. 

what a strange and difficult concept. 

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one chicken: three meals (plus broth!)

first let me start off by saying how humbled and inspired i am that my last post has helped so many people. i constructed it weeks prior to actually posting it, contemplating not posting it at all, because i thought people would just roll their eyes and brush it off. like "there goes that crunchy dana again, telling us all about how we should do this and do that..." and that's certainly not how i mean it or want it to sound. but, judging by the responses, that's not how the majority of you took it. so i'm glad :) and appreciative of the support!

on my previous post, i mentioned that using whole chickens has helped us on our mission to eat clean on a budget. here is an example of how i use a roasted whole chicken for three different meals, on three different nights, recipes included! (sorry that i have no photos of the process--i didn't anticipate needing any until now!)

note: we are a family of two adults and one toddler. if you have a larger family, a roasted chicken may only get you two meals, or if you have a really large family, perhaps one. but it is still a money-saver!

1. the roasted chicken
just your basic, run-of-the-mill roasted chicken recipe; there are many more like it and i've just adapted them to what i like best

ingredients:

• 1 whole chicken (i buy antibiotic-free, free-range but you can get whatever you'd like)
• 1/2 stick softened real butter or 3-4 tbs healthy oil of your choice (margarine is not acceptable)
• 1 lemon
• approx 2 tbs herb medley of your choice (i like thyme, fresh minced garlic, sea salt, cracked black pepper, and whatever else i'm in the mood for--rosemary, basil, oregano, or sage)

directions:

1. heat oven to 400F
2. make sure to remove the bag of "innerds" if your chicken contains it
3. place chicken in a broiling pan or whatever will best hold it (there will be juices so make sure it's a couple inches deep) and pat that puppy dry
4. mix your butter/oil and herb blend in a dish with some lemon zest (just grate your lemon peel with a fine cheese grater if you don't have a special "zester") and then rub it all over the outside of your chicken; if you don't like "chicken hands" a spatula will do
5. cut your lemon in half and stuff it inside your chicken...and then apologize to your chicken, like i always do
6. bake for 1hr - 1hr 20 min until the outside of your chicken looks like it's been vacationing in the bahamas, or until the inner most meat is well-cooked and not pink

serve your chicken to your family and enjoy with a squash/zucchini stir-fry and some rice!


2. making your broth (looks complicated, but isn't!)

you'll need:

• leftover whole chicken
• a mason jar with lid
• small strainer

1. after you've eaten and are satisfied, remove the rest of your chicken from the bones, cover and refrigerate
2. place the bones/unwanted parts in a pot with the pan drippings; cover the discarded parts with water and bring to a low boil (don't cover it too much or your broth will be watery, unless you boil it forever to get all that extra water out--your choice)
3. boil for at least 30 mins (the longer you boil, the richer the flavor)
4. turn off the eye, and let the contents cool 
5. remove and discard large pieces with a slotted spoon
6. cover your pot and refrigerate overnight
7. the next day, remove your pot and you will notice a thick, opaque layer of fat at the top; you can break this apart and remove it from the broth below (which will probably have congealed); discard it...safely...so that your dogs cannot get to it ;)
8. put the pot back on the stove and warm it just enough so that the mixture is liquid again
9. strain the liquid over a mason jar to collect your broth and separate out any lingering chicken bits
10. put a lid on that baby, mark the date somewhere, and refrigerate it! typically i open my broth within a week of jarring it...so i don't know how long it lasts unopened. but once opened, it usually stays good about 2 weeks.

3. gluten-free chicken and spinach enchiladas 

*for those who asked on facebook, i followed this recipe last night except i used a package of ground turkey in place of the chicken

the cast:
(*i use organic where i can afford/find--you can use more or less, but this is just what works for me)

• 2 cups shredded chicken (or 1 pack ground turkey, antibiotic-free and free range is what i use)
• 1 medium yellow onion, diced 
• 1 small can diced green chiles
• 1 pack small white corn tortillas--do not refrigerate before use
• 1 block monterrey jack cheese, shredded 
• 1 small can of organic tomato paste
• 1 package of organic baby spinach
• 1-1.5 cups of your own chicken broth (see above), or you can find organic chicken broth pretty easily
• chile powder
• cumin
• oregano
• cayenne pepper
• chipotle powder
• sea salt 
• paprika
• cracked black pepper
• olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• fresh cilantro for garnish

*i use spices on a "shake and taste" method, so i'm estimating a bit here...rarely do i actually measure 
**if you don't have these spices, they are all part of my regular cooking staff, a big upfront purchase but i highly recommend the investment!!

directions:

for the meat (which can be prepared in advance!):

1. drizzle some olive oil in a sauce pan on medium heat; add onions and 1 clove minced garlic and cook until onions are translucent 
2. add in your meat (*if turkey, cook thoroughly and drain if necessary)
3. add in the following spices: 1 Tbs cumin; 1 tsp chipotle powder, 1 tsp paprika, salt and pepper to taste
4. pour in about 1/4 cup of chicken broth (enough to cover the bottom of the pan)
5. add in your bag of spinach, one handful at a time--it will seem like a lot, but spinach cooks down to a fraction of it's size...plus think of all the greens you'll be eating!
6. when all the spinach is soft, add in your can of diced green chiles, stir, and set your meat mixture aside

*if you have more meat mixture than you do tortillas down below, you can save it for nachos :)

for the enchilada sauce (also can be prepared in advance--you can even double the batch, jar it, and save it for a night in the near future):

1. add 1 can of tomato paste, 1 clove minced garlic, 1 cup (or more) of chicken broth to a pot on low heat, no more than a simmer (if you like your enchiladas soupy, add more broth, but my husband likes his sticky)
2. stir in the following spices: 1 tsp oregano; 1 tsp chipotle powder; 1 tsp chile powder; 1 tsp cayenne pepper (or less, even none, if you want a mild flavor); salt and pepper to taste
3. simmer for 10-15 minutes and set aside

the grand production:

1. preheat oven to 350F
2. set out a 9x12 casserole dish and coat the bottom lightly with enchilada sauce
3. heat a small non-stick skillet on low-medium heat and coat very, very lightly with olive oil; allow oil to heat but not burn (olive oil burns quickly, so keep an eye on it; adjust your temp if it starts smoking)
4. place your tortillas on the skillet, about 1-2 minutes on each side; they should become firm but not brittle; you may need to re-oil the pan after a few
5. place about 2 spoonfuls of meat mixture in each tortilla, sprinkle with monterrey jack cheese, roll that puppy up, and line them like soldiers in your pan (i was able to fit 12 in mine, but it depends on how fat you make them)
6. spoon the remaining sauce onto your enchilada soldiers, coating each one thoroughly
7. top with more monterrey jack cheese, cover with foil, and bake for 30 minutes

serve with sour cream (if you like) and a garnish of cilantro. enjoy!!


4. avocado curry chicken salad

the cast:

• 1.5 - 2 cups shredded chicken (adjust accordingly based on what you have left from your chicken)
• 1 avocado, cubed
• 1/4 cup mayo (i do not claim any recipes made that sub miracle whip)
• 1/4 cup greek yogurt--full fat; none of this 0% bologna (but beware, in fat-free america it's hard to find...you can use 2% if you must)
• 1 green apple, cored and diced
• 1 celery stalk, minced
• 1 green onion stalk, thinly sliced 
• 2 tsp curry powder (if you don't like curry, you can certainly omit this)
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1 Tbs flax seed
• 3 Tbs sliced almonds (or nut of your choice)
• juice of half a lemon
• salt and pepper to taste

directions:
mix all ingredients well and serve as desired: on a sandwich, as a melt with cheddar jack or gouda (we do this a lot and then make a lettuce wrap). it's also very useful when you are traveling--a very nutritious meal to keep you away from a drive-thru when you get the munchies--just put it in a cooler with some forks! we normally get anywhere from 2-4 servings out of a batch

here's where i served it atop a fried green tomato with a slice of melted gouda (i was feeling extra rebellious this day, and it was worth every bite):

so. there you have it. now you know how you can get a lot of food for 2 1/2 people from one $8 chicken! and if the ingredients for the other recipes sound daunting, i totally understand. but, over time, as we've traveled down this healthier path, i find that most of these ingredients are regulars in my household so it's usually something easy for me to throw together. for the enchiladas, all i had to buy was the tortillas and the cheese. i always have ingredients for chicken salad. and for those of you who are dairy-free clean-eaters, you could omit the cheese in the recipes and i'm sure it would be just as good. ok that's a total lie. cheese makes everything better (even though we try to use it sparingly). it would be good. not as good.

happy eating everyone! let me know if you make any of these and how it turns out :)

clean eating and meal planning on a budget

"do the best that you can until you know better. and when you know better, do better. "

this quote from maya angelou hit me pretty hard when i first read it (yes, on pinterest). like all humans, i tend to fall short of putting good knowledge into practice, for whatever excuse. but it's so much easier to keep doing good when you see the fruits of your labor showing. one thing that has shown very quick results for us is a change in our nutritional lifestyle.

a lot of you have heard the term "clean eating" and maybe are fuzzy on exactly what is "clean". basically, it all boils down to eating foods that are in the closest form of how they occur in nature. if it's ingredients don't occur in nature, don't eat it. if it can't break down and decay sitting on your counter within a few days, don't put it in your body. we live by these standards probably 95% of the time.

for us, we've taken it a step further to include eliminating gluten. i did some research on the matter last fall when i had some crazy hormones being mean to me. i tried it, but it didn't stick. especially when people think it's just a diet and you can cheat when you're not at home. then when my husband's migraines started increasing to a weekly occurrence, something had to change. for a while i had been telling him maybe he was gluten intolerant (he showed other signs as well). within a week of going gluten-free (for real, hardcore) his headaches stopped. since sometime in february he has been migraine free.

i often find that people treat nutrition exactly the way i did for a long time. they know how to eat properly, but they don't. either because it's not an instant gratification, it requires too much time/money, or they just plain don't know where to start. i come from a background of italians and deep south farmers. to say i love food is an understatement. cheesy carbs are my favorite thing on the planet. fried green tomatoes, sweet tea, pies--all that good stuff. i could literally eat pasta every day. so i get it. i really do.

but i can also say with 100% truth that i have not felt deprived since we started this lifestyle change. and the longer you go, the more enjoyable it becomes. it's like second nature. like all things there are sacrifices, but  nothing good came from something easy.

to complicate things more, we also have a very tight budget. i'm just gonna get real with you. our total food budget each month is $300 for 2 1/2 people (the 1/2 being a toddler, who i feel like sometimes should be counted as a third person for how much she eats). total. that includes eating out. so, we basically don't. i can count on my hand the number of times we've eaten out since we started this thing. we don't always stick to our budget but we don't go over by a lot either.

so you can do it, too. and i've had a lot of questions lately on what we do. so maybe i can help! here's how we've done it:

1. do your research; find what works for your family. i'm a stickler for research. i check my sources and i check multiple ones. the internet is great, but don't believe someone just because they have a blog (ahem, case in point: i am not a registered dietician or nutrition expert). find published articles, studies, clinical research, and trained professionals with experience. if you think that the way we live is weird or you don't believe that drinking whole milk is better than skim or 2% (just throwing out one example), then look it up. and don't just make that a broad action. use research for all kinds of things. if you want to know what BHT is and why it's in your cereal, look it up. there are also some great documentaries for free on netflix if you hate reading. my favorite one so far is "hungry for change." it completely reshaped how i think about food and my body--i stopped hating my body and started trying to understand it.

2. plan and budget. i was cleaning up after dinner one night this week and told my husband "i love the way our refrigerator looks." an odd statement, sure. but you know why? because it doesn't look like a toy chest. it's full of meat, eggs, milk, cheese, yogurt, butter, a lot of produce, a lot of leftovers, and condiments (mostly marinades, hot sauces--thanks to my husband--and salad dressings). if i sound proud it's because i am. i just hope i don't sound pretentious :) but it's because it's taken a lot of work and planning to get to this point. it didn't come easy. this is how we got there:

a) i keep a meal idea list on the side of our fridge with ideas for cheap, healthy, and easy dinners that can make enough for leftovers (i almost always make enough for leftovers, even if just enough for lunch the next day). we sat down one sunday afternoon and just started naming things. and you can make notes on your list as you go along in a trial and error fashion, like "lots of prep work" or "makes lots of leftovers"
b) my grocery list is kept in my phone and contains ingredients only for the things we need to make meals for the week--i do not stray from the list (except sometimes ice cream just jumps into my cart somehow)
c) we took "eating out" almost entirely off the table. even sunday after church, when it seems to be the hardest. something about church makes me ravenous. and everyone eats out after church.
d) we have a phone app called mint and i highly recommend it--it keeps track of how much money you spend in different categories; it's really helped keep us on track
e) we always have ingredients around for nachos :) they're not super healthy but none of the ingredients are highly processed either--a good saver for bad days or botched meals. and CHEAP!

3. shop at different grocery stores/markets. i know, i know--don't freak out on me. some of you are like "i barely make it to once store a week, much less two or more." but hear me out: how many times have you had to run to the store, mid-week because you didn't prepare for the week? or how many times did you spend way too much on a restaurant dinner because you had nothing planned at home? unplanned grocery trips usually take more time from you in the long run. it doesn't take a lot of research to know that you can get some things cheaper/better at different stores. trust me, it's not easy for me either. i have a toddler. doing anything with her is impossible these days. so i have to wait until 9pm to do my shopping. and for the things that aren't open that late, i just have to suck it up and take her and have everyone stare at me while she has a melt-down because i won't let her run up and down the aisles or cause a flash-flood of apples in the farmer's market. i have a routine of about 3-4 different stores/markets: a big-name retailer for big-name organics/gluten-free and non-groceries; a local farmer's market for produce and eggs; a local grocery for meats, dairy, and various other items; a specialty health food store for hard-to-find items or non-local produce. when you have a list, and you stick to the list, it is much more efficient. my longest trip takes me less than an hour, and i don't do it all in one week. it's usually spread out over two weeks. so i go to the store twice a week on average. not so bad, huh?

4. buy in wholes. not to be confused with bulk (unless you have a deep freeze or you practice canning). the switch to whole chickens has completely saved us. i usually get 2-4 days worth of meals from one chicken, depending on what i make. if i make chicken salad and use a lot of healthy filler like apples, grapes, celery, avocado, flax or chia seeds, i get a lot more bang for my buck. or i use it in a healthy casserole, that, for the love of pete, does not contain any cream cheese or canned soup. i swear if i see one more pinterest recipe.....i digress. whole chickens also produce your own chicken broth. just in broth alone you can save $6 per chicken, assuming everyone goes through chicken broth like i do. the rule of wholes also applies to produce like carrots, lettuce, pineapple, etc. you get the picture. a flimsy bag of lettuce that will get you 2 salads costs MORE than two heads of lettuce that will feed you for a week. an individual sauce or spice packet that will only get you through one meal (and probably contains msg) can be much less expensive if you make your own spice blends. if you're less creative with spices, just read the back of a spice packet or marinade and buy the main ingredients. large upfront investment that will go a long way. you get the point.

5. read labels and choose your battles. this is self-explanatory. sometimes the organic or less-processed versions of your every day foods are not all that more expensive. if you can spare a dollar or two to be able to pronounce the ingredients, then i'd say it's worth it.

6. you don't always have to buy "organic." a lot of times organic is just an approval stamp. there are some items that use mostly organic principles but don't have the label. unfortunately, because we have gotten so far away from knowing where our food comes from, we have to use our best judgement. for those of you who can afford to buy local, this is usually your best bet. there is a great place in our town that carries produce, meat, and dairy from local farms, and notifies you of new arrivals via email. a lot of these farms let you visit, and if not, the buyer has a personal relationship with the farmers and can tell you what the conditions are like. if you don't have the money or resource for a place like that, here's a few things to look for: "no antibiotics", "no preservatives", "no artificial flavors/dyes", "free-range", "no pesticides", "no hormones", "fed a diet of [insert appropriate diet here]". i also look where the product comes from geographically, if it comes down to that. if i don't have the option of an organic potato, i usually buy the one that came from the city or state closest to me, knowing that the travel time was less and therefore the produce is probably fresher. but like i said, we can only use our best judgement. ALSO, "all natural" doesn't mean anything. ALL of our food should be all natural. it's mind-blowingly ridiculous that we have to use labels like that to attract buyers.

7. eat cheap proteins: beans, quinoa, chia seeds, dairy, legumes, eggs. get creative. did you know that eating rice and beans together makes up a complete protein? yep. that's why it's such a worldwide staple. it provides great nutrition and it's very inexpensive--especially if you buy dry beans. just remember to plan your meals so you have time to soak them!

8. be realistic about time. take note of how long it takes you to prepare a meal; jot it on your meal list. can you prepare anything in advance? even the night before? can something pan-fried/boiled be roasted or baked in the oven instead, so you can just set a timer and walk away? i make my husband and myself (and even our daughter drinks some) a green smoothie every morning. it's a little more time consuming (although i've gotten a good system down and it takes me about 5-10 minutes from prep to clean-up, so really not that bad), but it power-packs a ton of nutrients into one shake that we may not otherwise get during the day. it's much easier than finding a creative way to make leafy greens delicious at each meal. trust me. there is not a leafy green out there that i'm just dying to eat. making it taste like fruit is my favorite way to eat them.

9. take it one step at a time; enjoy your food! trust me, there is a lot to get bogged down with. but part of what has made this so easy for me is the fact that i love food and cooking so much. and i have a husband that is willing to try anything i set before him. anything. i definitely have a lot of advantages that makes this work. but i've also overcome a lot of hurdles to get here. the good news is, it's totally doable! you may have advantages that i don't. AND don't beat yourself up for failures: bad recipes, teething toddlers, forgetting to go to the store, or burning 5 batches of sweet potato chips in a row....

10. drink water. it's cheap and it's the best for you.

and you'll reap the benefits! not only are we healthier and feeling better, we're looking better, too. ;) i have put on jeans that i haven't worn since early college. i wear shorts in public. my husbands pants are literally falling off. most of this is due to eliminating gluten, but i have a feeling a portion of it has been because we've been spending less time in a restaurant booth and more time at our own table, which i can honestly say i've enjoyed. and unlike all the other times i've "dieted," this is totally different. it's not a diet. it's a lifestyle change. my goal is not weight-loss. never was. it's health. brain health, energy-levels, skin health, mental health, hormone balance, the health of my children (which is really the main reason i started all this), and disease prevention. the benefits far outweigh the fact that i can't have a krispy kreme donut (which is not to say i haven't enjoyed healthier modifications of "sinful" treats).

{and side note: both my sister and her husband have also been following this lifestyle, and if you know them and know how they are, then you would believe me even more! budget sticklers, taco bell-lovers, and both working full-time with a baby and real city commutes. and they make it work!}

if you made it to the end, congratulations! i hope you've learned something new. and please know, that by no means am i a pro. i just thought by sharing what we've learned, it might help someone else on a similar journey, especially since i get questions often on "how i do it." i may even share some recipes ;)

happy eating, friends!!

a month with no shampoo

right about now, you're thinking "she's finally done it. she's gone off the deep end."

be that as it may, there's actually a growing movement out there called the "no 'poo" movement (no shampoo). it started, like most things, when someone out there with a brain read the back of a shampoo bottle, researched the ingredients, and then started telling everyone they knew, like "you guys. do you know what's in a bottle of shampoo? and do you know what it can do to our bodies? and we put it on our head every day!" and then those people started going home and reading their shampoo bottles and decided, something has to be done.

and there's a second wave that joined the no 'poo movement that was generated by people that just wanted to wash their hair less often. i mean really, it's quite tiresome. and most hair experts agree that every day washing isn't optimal for hair health.

that's kind of where i started out. my sister washes her hair probably 2-3 times a week. me? every day. by day two, i look nasty. my hair is very fine and my skin is oily. so when i was pregnant and had, like seriously, the best hair ever, i started going every other day. my hair had so much volume i got away with it. and it was long so i could braid it or put it in a bun and it looked totally fine (and on day 2 your hair is much more manageable with a little more oil to help it stay in place). i kept this going post-partum (and then some, thanks to shifting priorities) until those wonderful post-partum hormones kick in around 3 months and you break out like a teenager, sweat constantly, and your hair starts falling out. it really is a wonderful time. so enjoyable. then i cut all my hair off and started washing every day again. i experimented with "hair training" and dry shampoo, but it really only bought me an extra half a day.

then i saw the author of this blog on tv, who hadn't washed her hair in 3 years. like literally, hadn't done anything to it. rinsed it with water. how can this be possible??? do you ever watch movies that are set in older times (revolutionary war or victorian era) and think "well one thing that's totally inaccurate about this is it doesn't portray the greasy hair everyone must have had from only showering once a month." no? just me. well anyway, that thought is totally wrong.

turns out our hair isn't meant to be washed that much. greasy hair is just an overreaction of oil glands in our scalp to the harshness of shampoo ingredients.

but i thought (like most), i can't do that. the transition period would be terrible for me. i would be SO greasy. and i look terrible in hats.

but after some research i did start using baking soda as a cleanser on my hair during my normal shampoo routine. even with the more "natural" shampoos, i couldn't get rid of my persistent "scalp funk." you know what i mean? when you scratch your head and you are left with a sticky white goop under your nails? and the baking soda helped a lot with that.

then i saw the above blogger again on another tv network and so i read her blog. and she mentioned a baking soda/apple cider vinegar routine that she tried before she went water-only. i thought, hey, i know people who have done that! i've heard of that! so maybe i can try it!

and so i did. and i told very few people until now. and yesterday when i got my hair cut was the first time i had shampoo on my hair in 30 something days. i've only been using baking soda and apple cider vinegar (acv).

here's some things that i've observed. keep reading. some of them might surprise you:

1. my oily hair does better with a higher concentration of baking soda. at first i was only using a couple of teaspoons per cup of water in a solution. but my hair kind of had a dull clumpiness to it, so i upped it to a tablespoon. and i only use the acv once a week. if i use it every day it gets too greasy. you can experiment to find a good balance. some people find they need to use both every day with thicker, less oily hair.

2. my hair has become straighter. naturally i've considered my hair curly/wavy for the majority of my life. i guess with all the shampoo residue gone, i'm discovering my real natural hair? or it could be that it just reacts differently with different ingredients. it's still wavy, but less so. it looks like "beach hair" when i wash-n-go.

3. my hair has more dimension, and looks a little more strawberry. i dyed my hair blonde, and then red for a lonnnngggg time (for 10 years i never saw my natural hair color). when i went natural during pregnancy, i was disappointed with my natural mouse brown. but now, i'm getting a little excitement back. some blondes in the front and hints of strawberry. and that's not just because of sunnier weather. have you seen my skin? this pale girl is not "laying out" in her "spare time" (i joke because our new neighborhood's "pool committee president"--haha--stopped by our house to offer me a pool pass in case i want to "lay out in my spare time"). i like my shaded porch just fine.

4. volume! not something this fine haired girl experiences too much! but i've also cut it short so that helps take some weight off of it.

5. you could spend a lot of time at night doing wild hair styles to laugh about and show your husband after your toddler is asleep. my hair is much more manageable (is this kind of a broad term? i feel like it is), and what i mean by that is, it does more of what i tell it to do. fine hair usually just slips around on itself and falls out of whatever hair style you put it in. but now, i'm the boss.

6. my hair does not stink! baking soda and acv are both anti-stink compounds. they absorb and expel odors. now, my hair doesn't smell like a tropical passionfruit coconut flower when i breeze by you, but it doesn't smell like a 5 year old boy who has been outside all day. so just because i don't use shampoo on my hair, don't hold your nose around me like i'm going to offend you. because i ain't! mmkay?

7. i'm slowly going longer between washes. i started out using my routine every day. and now i can comfortably go every other day, and sometimes stretch it another half day after that. and i still rinse it in the shower so i can re-style it if i have bedhead.

8. no one has noticed. ha! in fact, i've had compliments on my hair. and when i tell (very few) people my secret they automatically put their hands in it and go "oh my gosh! but it feels so good and soft!" um, yeah it does!

these are two photos of me taken in the last month (thank goodness some exist, because i normally hate having my photo taken). i had not washed my hair on either of these days. you can tell it's not greasy or dull. it looks pretty good!

is it so weird that not putting 25 different chemicals on your hair can be better than just two very simple things?

it shouldn't be!

so now you know. crunchier by the day, folks :)

{i realize this post would have been a whole lot better with photos along the way, but i didn't intend for i to be a documented experiment to blog about. i just started doing it, and when i got my hair washed, i thought "when's the last time i had shampoo on my hair?" and i was amazed. but since i had it washed yesterday and i'm starting all over, maybe i'll do it this round and post them for you to see. stay tuned!}

my crunchy mom evolution

well. i've come to terms with it.

i'm becoming a crunchy mom. i can't avoid the label any longer. it's true.

this transformation didn't happen overnight, obviously. but it's been rather snowball-like. the more crunchy things i do, the more i want to do. this has been fueled by several factors, not because i'm a hippie. and they are:

1. we need to save money. we just moved and bought a house to accommodate my husband's job and career. and in the long run, where we are now is better. but. we could have been more financially prepared, and probably a little smarter (hey, you live and you learn). if we were perfectly honest, we've been living above our means. not a lot--but enough that we're a little out of breath. we didn't buy a new car we couldn't afford, or a house we couldn't afford, or rack up credit cards by eating out every meal... but we also didn't expect my income to take such a hit when we moved. and by take a hit, i mean totally flatline. it quickly became obvious we had to make some changes. and can i tell you a secret??

it's kind of exciting. it's a challenge to meet. every time i think of some new way to save money, i wanna give myself a high five.

-also-

it's been good for our marriage. i'm not kidding. some couples argue over money, but we've come together on it. we're a partnership. a frugal team. he makes the money. and i research and incorporate ways to save it.

which leads me to...

2. we have a future to plan for. this isn't the end of the road for us. we're barely 30. our dreams don't die here. we want better things for our lives. and we'll keep reaching for them. the hubs and i have a legit, in-the-works design for a passive house. it's not a dream, it's not a "maybe some day"--it's going to happen. we want to be the first in alabama, but even if we aren't (because more and more are being built across the country all the time), we'll still have a passive home. and that is freaking cool.

but we're not just planning for our architectural future, we also have a growing family. not making any announcements here (no i'm not pregnant), but we want more children. and if there is one thing i want to provide for them, it's a college education. student loans are the devil. they make our financial life hell.

and with a growing family comes growing responsibility--the responsibility to pass along real world smarts. they don't teach budgeting in school. we want to be smart with money so that we can show our kids how to be smart with money. and we don't want to have to rely on them once they start earning their own money.

3. we value our health, physically and mentally.  as more women started taking up full-time careers, it became harder for them to fulfill roles as moms. so the food and cleaning (and kid products) industry took advantage of that--producing things that were designed to be easy, convenient, and most importantly, make the companies that produced them extremely rich. (but in all fairness--can you blame them? we all want to come up with ideas that make us money while making life easier.) how did they do that? chemicals, preservatives, petroleum-based products, artificial hormones, artificial sweeteners and colors and flavors. oh, and also drugs. it seems like almost weekly, some scientific research team comes out with a study that links a chemical to a health problem. and while sometimes they are only linked and not proven, it still raises the question: what are all those chemicals doing to us??

i don't want to be the science experiment that finds out. no one out there--no matter how crazy you think my crunchiness may sound--can look me in the face and tell me with certainty that those chemicals are "probably ok" or "completely harmless." because we don't know.

now there's a fine line between living in fear of chemicals and doing what you can to live healthier. we can't avoid chemicals. but we can educate ourselves and make better choices.

jumping around a little, here's where i tell you that living a crunchy lifestyle isn't easy. i'm in the process of switching to cloth diapers for my toddler. and while most tell you that it's easy, it's certainly not easier. it takes more time. just like it takes more time to shop at 3 different grocery stores every week to get the food that is both healthiest and the least expensive. and it takes time to plan a healthy (gluten-free) meal every night so that we don't spend money eating out. if i still worked a full-time job, i don't know that i could pull all of this off while maintaining my sanity.

last week i had a slight panic attack because we were nearing the end of the month and quickly running out of money. "this is the lowest of lows!" i thought. and immediately i hopped online, bound and determined to find a job. i had to help bring in some extra income. but then, after i calmed down, i started thinking about all the reasons why me being at home is beneficial to my family. like spending time with my daughter, cooking mind-blowingly good meals (seriously, i've discovered my inner chef since being at home), not bringing work stress home, practicing how to live on one income, and having time to research and plan new crunchy ways to live :) and so we make sacrifices. it's not easy, but it's worth it.

and lastly

4. if it ain't broke, don't fix it. call me old-fashioned, but a lot of the old ways of doing things (like my grandparents' generation) just seem better. growing your own food/knowing where your food comes from, cooking your own meals, cooking with real butter (seriously), nursing babies, spending time with your family, making your own things in stead of buying them--you know what i mean--the simple life. somehow we got away from all that and i think we're actually worse off as a culture. now, don't get me wrong. i'm a product of modern culture. there are some modern conveniences i'd have a hard time giving up. and i'm certainly not suggesting we all go live on a compound somewhere or move out into the forest. technology can be good. if it weren't for technology i probably wouldn't be learning all the things i'm learning to help us live smarter and healthier. but some things were just better before technology got involved.

so there you have it.

if you're interested in learning about the money-saving "greener" methods we are starting to incorporate, please let me know! there are lots of good blogs out there that discuss these things, but i'd be happy to share as well.

to see truth

i have not, in the past year or so, been an exemplary christian. i haven't even been a good one. while i can say it's because of this reason or that, i've had to face some very harsh truths lately.

i don't think i reached a point where i stopped believing in God. there are things in this world that connect you to our creator whether you seek him or not, like giving birth, digging in the dirt, watching water rhythmically slap onto sand. or watching your friends walk unimaginably hard roads only to see their faith deepen. that could only happen in a world where God exists.

but then there are things that exist in this world that are evident of a complete godlessness. not by the non-existence of God in the world, but the non-existence of God in people. from the off-hand comment of a lady climbing into her mercedes in the target parking lot, to the news that comes out of mobile, alabama and the surrounding areas night after night, and the good-intentioned facebook videos that call our attention to the evils of the world. i don't know if i'm broken or if i have godlessness in me, but when i see those things, it doesn't sound like a call to action. it only breaks my heart. and each time that happens it heals with more hardness.

so here i've been, left in this limbo of good versus bad, and what that means for my purpose here on earth. do i have one? am i just drifting by? am i deaf to God's voice? is He angry with me? sad? hopeless?

people say that when they have a child, it is the closest they've ever come to feeling God-like love. and while that was true of the first few mindless weeks after having my daughter, it quickly faded. as my love for her grew, so did my fear of the world.

i am no stranger to tragedy, not unlike many of you. my father died suddenly when i was 18. and even though his death brought about a strange peace to my world, it from then on made me acutely aware of tragedy in the world. it opened my heart to fear.

i was not angry with God when my father died. in fact, i'd say i understood him more. it was the first time i really understand that there was a great orchestrated existence of life on earth, and i understood what it meant to know that God was all-seeing. kind of like me saying "ok, i see you seeing me, and i know you're up to something."

so when my daughter was born and my love for her grew into something i didn't know i was capable of feeling, i didn't think "wow, and God loves me even more than this!" instead i felt small, and lost, and vulnerable. i don't understand a love bigger than that. and because i love my daughter, i want to protect her from the godlessness in people's hearts for as long as she lives and as long as i am able. and therefore, surely, God would want to protect us from bad things, too, right? but bad things still happen. they happen all the time.

the first night i spent with our infant daughter in our home, i lay awake in bed while she and my husband slept beside me and i cried while wondering what kinds of tragedy lay before us. when others are faced with tragedy and hardship i always pray "Lord, give them a beautiful testimony from this," and that's what i want to pray for our family. sometimes i utter the phrase painfully and fearfully, all the while really just begging God to spare us of tragedy. i sometimes think "people have made it through to the end of their lives without tragedy--it happens all the time, so it can happen to us." but then i think, i don't really know the whole truth of people's lives. just like most people don't know the whole truth of mine. you never know what tragedies people have seen.

some days i think i am making it past this fear. just as i have gone on to continue a beautiful life after tragedy, so i could do it again, if faced with it. and other days, i find myself in shameful distrust of God, the same shame felt by adam and eve when they failed to trust God in the garden. the more we distrust God, and the more we try and do it ourselves, the more open to sin we become, thus creating our own tragedy. i'll say it again:

the more we distrust God, and the more we try and do it ourselves, the more open to sin we become, thus creating our own tragedy. 

don't hear me wrong: tragedy is not always our own fault. the truest, scariest forms of tragedy are no one's fault at all. and i truly believe God carried me through my tragedy when he wasn't even as big as an afterthought in my life. so then why is it so hard to know he wouldn't do it again?

trusting God is by far and without a doubt the most terrifyingly difficult thing to do. especially when it comes to our own lives. i watch God carry people through dark days all the time. and i watch as people grow in faith and trust for God and i am in awe. complete awe.

in the midst of the protective hardness i have created in my heart lies a core that deeply distrusts human nature even more. when i try and shift the blame from myself for my distance with God, that blame always falls on people. "this church abandoned us when we were struggling, that church hurt my friends, that lady ignored me when i was new, those people judge me based on my looks, these people are hypocrites, that person is the worst christian i have ever witnessed..."

but lately, God has used people to remind me of who He is. people have reminded me to see truth.

while i have seen sin first in the world, i am reminded that goodness exists in people. goodness that comes from loving. and trusting. and worshiping. and believing in a God that loves. and a God that saves. and a God that heals.

a God that shines out of the ugliness of a godless world, through the hearts of God-filled people.

on my darkest days, when i am tempted to return to a godless lifestyle, i witness people being more beautiful than i ever thought possible. it is then that i know i could never truly turn my heart from God. because i may carry hurts and fears and ugliness in my heart. but i also carry God. a light brighter than any darkness. and i know He is still working on me even when i give up. i can rebuild walls a thousand times. but a thousand and one times he will knock them down.

to my friends (i hope you know who you are): i love you and i am eternally grateful that you chose God to remind me of why i did the same

dear pottery barn

This is the letter I just wrote to Pottery Barn. I even used capital letters. It's that serious.

Good evening,

As I've found no way of leaving feedback on your website, I hope that this is an effective form of communication.

I have been a fan of Pottery Barn for a long time. I highly regard it's quality, integrity, and design. As a designer, I've recommended it to friends, family, and clients alike. I'm even currently helping my mom pick out a sofa. 

However, I've found the customer service at the Eastern Shore Center in Alabama to be extremely disappointing--something I've never experienced or expected from Pottery Barn.

I just relocated to Fairhope, Alabama for my husband's job. We are a younger couple, and let's just say that we have some time to go before we can afford Pottery Barn to outfit our entire house. Even so, I know it's quality and decided that I wanted (without a doubt) the Cameron drapes for my breakfast area. So into the Pottery Barn at Eastern Shore I went.

Two older women walked in the store right before me. They were instantly greeted and assisted. I walked in with a baby on my hip and received not even a hello. The particular drapery panels I wanted were not on display so I wandered around for a while and could find no one to help me. Eventually I had to stand in line at the check-out counter and wait for two people to check out in front of me before I was able to ask for help. 

After some assistance, I took home two different panels to see which one looked better. When I came in the store, the panels had 15% off sale signs up, and the associate who helped me (Maryann) told me to make sure and come back before closing to make my final purchase because it was the last day of the sale.

So I went home, hung up the two different panels, made a choice, came back to the store, and after being tossed around between associates, finally landed up front with the manager, Jeremy, who executed the return of my unwanted panel. Only someone did not relay the full intent of my visit, I suppose, because he just stood there after the one panel was returned, ignoring the fact that I was still standing there. Finally, I piped in that I needed 3 more panels. His mannerisms up until this point were less than friendly. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. It was, after all, the end of the day. 

He then informed me that the panels were not on sale, against what Maryann had previously told me and was indicated by the signs. His only reasoning for this was "oh well I guess we took down the signs late this morning." With all due respect, that is not my fault. That's false advertising, and should not fall on the disadvantage of the customer. If anything (because it was only 15% and I really didn't care all that much), he should have at least apologized for the false information, and that I drove all the way back to the store on the same day (with a baby, which I can assure you is no easy task) for nothing. 

There were other exchanges between Jeremy and I that I thought he handled in a very poor fashion, but this is already turning into somewhat of novel, so I'll briefly say after I left that I wondered how he came into a position of management.

Back to these curtains--I had to order them (because they were out of stock) and they came in this week. Today, after a long day, I went in to pick them up. Surprisingly, I was greeted by the woman behind the desk, and I walked up and began to tell her that I was there to pick up some curtains I ordered. Here's what frustrated me the most so far about my treatment by the Pottery Barn staff: she cut me off mid-sentence, and in a less-than-friendly tone told me she'd be with me momentarily. 

Let me say that before I worked as a designer, I worked in several positions where customer service was key. Interior design in itself is not only a field of design and human science, but also it is in a great deal customer service. I don't take that lightly. And if you are behind a desk, you are automatically the "manager of first impressions." You are there to assist, no matter how you became to be standing behind the desk. I wasn't on the phone with her, and she was not with another customer (at least there was no one else around). It is absolutely unacceptable to cut-off a customer mid-sentence. 

I have never once played the designer card while shopping in home decor stores. I don't pass off a "I know more than you" attitude, and I love to bounce ideas off the staff of places like Pottery Barn because I know they have an eye for design as well. I look younger than I am, I dress simply, and yes, I came in with a baby on my hip (and in both our defenses I do not take her in stores if she is ill-mannered, she was nothing but pleasant the entire time; in fact, she received more attention than I did). I can see how to a Pottery Barn employee in wealthy Baldwin County, Alabama would not see me as a prime target for dropping thousands of dollars in-store. And they would be right. But I was there to spend money. And even if I wasn't, there is absolutely no reason I should have been treated the way I have been treated in that store. That stands for all who come through those doors. Even if a teenager comes in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, she deserves as much respect as anyone else (as long as she is respectful in return). Because you know what? She might go to college for interior design, graduate, work for several well-known designers, branch off on her own, and then walk into a Pottery Barn with a baby on her hip as a young designer who works from home to make ends meet while spending time with her family. Impressions should never be taken lightly, because you never know upon whom your impressions are falling.

You should know--whoever you are reading this--that I have not ever once (and I've had my fair share of bad customer service, just like anyone else) written in a complaint letter to anywhere. This is my first. Because my experience was that bad. 

I brought home my Cameron 84" white pole pocket drapery panels, I will hang them up, and I will never go back into that Pottery Barn to spend money. Or likely another one for a very long time. So I don't want coupons, freebies, or even an apology. I want someone with some sort of knowledge on human decency and customer service to go into the Pottery Barn at the Eastern Shore Center in Alabama and give every one of those employees, from the manager onward, a full-course, day long lesson on how to treat customers. 

Respectfully and with sincere hope of an impact,

Dana Portillo