laundry

mamas love to tell their babies the story of how they were born on their birthdays. a year later, although i still very well remember the details of that day (or days, rather), the sentiment is foggy. honestly i don't remember much of our time in the hospital except for what i've written and how uncomfortable hospital beds are for a woman who has just pushed a tiny human out of her body. and i remember the steak dinner we got on our last night.

but, when my daughter turned a year old, and i kept hearing "the time will fly!" and "you'll blink and she'll be moving out!" over and over in my head, there is one single night that makes me the most sentimental.

about two weeks before june was born, i was pretty heavy in nesting mode and had been doing baby laundry all day on a cold january sunday (cold for pensacola anyway). after dinner i carried her hamper net from the laundry, across the creaky wood floors of our home, and parked my pregnant self on the sofa to fold all the laundry.

it should be noted here that i HATE laundry. i avoid in plague-like fashion any household activity that involves putting assorted items away (be it laundry, dishes, packed suitcase items, etc).

but i've never enjoyed folding a single load of laundry more than that one. i distinctly remember the tiny little onesies, socks, and pajamas. newborn socks are an item of wonderment. just trying to fold them lets you know how insanely small an infant's feet are. i remember the crispness of her burp cloths, and the smell of the baby detergent (i would wash all my laundry in baby detergent if i could--it smells like heaven). i remember hoping the cold would stick around for when i went into labor, not only because what laboring woman wouldn't want cold weather, but also because i wanted as many excuses as possible to snuggle our new baby. i remember feeling the relief of finishing the last baby preparations, but the anxious excitement knowing i could go into labor any day. i remember the exact amount of light that filled the space. i had one lamp on to my left, and the kitchen light shone through the doorway. the tv was on in the background and i had piles of neatly folded and stacked baby items all around me. and to this day they've never been as organized as they were then.

and when i was done, i wished there was more! i wanted more laundry to fold! what a crazy pregnant woman i was.

reality had not set in until that night. i don't know why folding laundry was what did it. i had already set up an entire nursery in our guest room. a bassinet lay in our bedroom ready for a baby. i was showered with mounds of baby gifts on two separate occasions. but laundry is what did it.

that was probably the last night that i ever did anything slowly, calmly, in an organized fashion, and without interruption. now, when i actually do fold laundry, my baby pulls it off the coffee table or bed probably 3 times before i actually re-fold it and put it away.

i had plans for a first birthday blog as a cliche "things i've learned" kind of thing, but that's not how it came out. at all. documenting what i've learned doesn't really help much. i've stored away what will help me the next time around, and i move forward, knowing that i'll have much more to learn. after all, i've only made it a year into this gig! learning is part of the process. ideas exist, opinions exist, internet articles exist, but that's all relative...and just a small fraction of the big picture.

what matters most is i have a little girl whom God has granted me 365 (369 now) days with. 368 days and counting of answered prayers. here's to another round!

june marie, on the night i brought her home (also the night we discovered her double crown, which contributes to the unruly hair she has)

well this is convenient

i typically do not go through the cliche new years gig. i don't have resolutions and i don't like to re-visit past years if i don't have to (too much goes on in my mind to add to it). i figure, if you have to wait until a new year to do something you need to do, the likelihood that you'll follow-through is slim. for me, anyway. if i need to do something, i do it. i don't like waiting around.

but this year, things kind of came to a head at the end of 2013, and made me realize that i definitely need to make some changes. 2013 was a big year for us. probably the biggest so far.

- we had our first baby
- jeremy started a new job an hour away (a better, more fulfilling job where the moral is on the positive side of the spectrum, growth is probable, and the pay is better)
- we bought our first car together: a 10 year old 4runner and the best car EVER--we've decided our next car will probably be another 4runner, and if you're buying a car soon, buy a 4runner because i promise you will not regret it
- i made a major career shift and we took a major income hit so that i could spend more time with our daughter
- we bought our first house
- we moved to a new town...

so here we are right before christmas and we have to pack up our house and figure out the most cost-effective way to move an hour away. only christmas creates this imaginary deadline for people building things and they think everything has to be done before the end of the year, as if that makes any kind of difference. so i'm at home watching a very mobile 10 month old and my husband is working until 8, 9, and sometimes 10 at night on these "tight deadlines". meaning i have to pack an entire house while corralling a baby by myself. stress is not half of what i experienced. i already hate moving more than anything. that just made it worse. so of course it didn't get done in time. moving day came and we made a mad rush to just throw things in boxes and in piles and jam it into a truck.

and then unload it into a big, new, empty house.

i'm still making friends with this new house. we were ready to get out of the old one, as old houses are not the best place for wandering babies (too many dusty nooks, spider webs, doors that don't close, and lack of storage that leaves all of your stuff out to tempt little hands). but moving to a brand new house only confirms that i am an old house lover. i can't help it. i love that they have a story. i love cold mornings. i love creaky floors, funny little storage nooks, mismatched door knobs, and being in close quarters. and i NEED A GAS STOVE. why did people ever switch to electric?! i will never understand.

so back to the move. apparently all the stress wiped out my immune system because i came down with quite possibly the most miserable virus (second to food poisoning that landed me in the hospital a year ago). it lasted over 2 weeks. there were days that i woke up and said "i am not even 1% better than i was yesterday." and my baby had a severe grumpy spell somewhere in the middle of it. i cried every time she cried. i cried in the kitchen. i cried in the shower. i walked around all day crying and asking God why he wasn't making me better. i thought "i don't have enough people on facebook praying for me." yes, i legitimately had that thought. scroll through facebook during cold and flu season. you'll understand why.

i felt the most alone that i have felt in a long time. i was in a new house, in a new town, with no one--not even a neighbor--to check on me. my husband (who was still working around the clock) came home at 5 and then went back to work when our daughter went to bed, giving me 3 precious hours to have no responsibilities. when i finally took myself to the doctor, she saw that i had a baby and lectured me about not asking for help. i assured her i'd get help. and then i got in my car and cried again. i had no one. the three people i know here all work during the day. what was i supposed to do?

at one point i told my husband "i hope by the time we have two kids that we have some good friends here. because i couldn't do this with two kids. i couldn't be this sick and take care of two people."

and that's where my "resolution" comes in. and it just so happens to fall at new years. so call it a new years resolution if you must.

i have to make friends. and i'm not good at it. i don't light up a room. people don't see me and say "now there goes someone i'd like to be friends with." but i've heard it said before "if you want a friend, be a friend," and that has always stuck out in my mind. as an introvert, i spend a lot of my time hoping someone will notice that i am lonely and invite me to do something. well that doesn't happen. i'm 28 years old. people already have friends. they're not looking for new friends. this isn't kindergarten. i can't pass out cupcakes on my birthday and hope i'll be liked by everyone.

so i have to be proactive. i have to make the first move. i have to get involved, go out of my way to be nice to people i don't know, and i have to grow a pair and ask someone over to dinner if i want to get to know them.

i moved to pensacola without knowing a soul and i never felt this lonely. pensacola is friendly. it's kind to strangers. it's used to strangers. not fairhope. it's cliquish. closed-off. and exclusive. it's small and it likes to stay that way. none of our neighbors have even so much as waved to us. we had THE BEST neighbors in pensacola. for a while, i can honestly say that's what kept us from actively getting the ball rolling on a move. i think our block was the most perfect block in all of pensacola. but we said "we'll have new neighbors--after a while we'll like them just as much." lies!

so i can pout about it, or i can do something about it. if they won't bring us cookies, i'll bake them some cookies, dangit. i'll go on walks and introduce myself to the people i pass. i'll go to a public park and rub elbows with the soccer moms. we have to find a church. maybe find a local spot to have lunch a couple times a week. become a "local." i'm just going to have to act like an extrovert for a while.

and it doesn't end there. i have to take care of my existing friendships. they take work and nurturing. i can't expect that just because i was once friends with someone, that it will stay that way when i'm an hour away and see them less often. i've taken my friendships for granted. and i can't let that happen. bob ross said friends are some of the most precious commodities. and he knew things. no man (or woman) is an island! so i surely can't be.

so, what's up 2014. if you're ready, i'm ready.

this is life

my daughter is coming up on 10 months. she scoots, she does this weird crab crawl, she pulls up, cruises from chair to ottoman to sofa, and reaches things i am not prepared for her to reach. she gives me kisses, understands "no" and we've entered the testy waters of discipline.

the hours when she is awake are full of constant movement (on both our parts). if i sit down to work on something, not five minutes goes by before i have to go see where she is or what she's almost swallowing or which dog she is pestering. getting things done is much more difficult than i was prepared for them to be. last week was particularly busy and i found myself staying up well past her bedtime in order to get work done (cursing that i can't just learn to say "no" when offered a paying job...but hey, money talks).

today--because my weekend was so jam-packed and we had no time to go get groceries--i decided to eat lunch out before heading to the store to stock up for the week. much easier said than done. my 5th percentile baby is still too small for a high chair, even though she's more than able to use one. her little legs slide in and out and the straps don't fit tight enough to contain her when she decides she'd rather stand or kneel in the high chair. and then there's the constant battle between giving her a toy that she'll drop on the dirty floor a hundred times, or risking a melt-down if she has nothing to play with. so out she comes, onto my lap, while i try to keep her grubby little paws away from my food. in between my own bites i give her tiny little bites of black beans to keep her satisfied. but the black beans are so irresistibly good (and an almost 10 month old doesn't understand that there's anyone to feed besides herself), that she cries out in impatience between bites. it became so loud that i began to fear the patience of other patrons and gave her a stern "shh!" face and told her "no, no--if you want some you can be patient and tell me 'more', ok?" signaling the baby sign language move for "more." well, the people-pleaser in her that she got from her mother was upset at the reprimand, and then she began crying, with her wails bouncing off the concrete floor and unfinished industrial hangings of the ceiling. people stared. the kinder people said "aww" as i tried to console her as quickly as possible with another bite of black beans.

"this is life," i thought. never again can i just have just a simple, peaceful lunch by myself. it will be this way for a long time.

and then i noticed a woman--professionally dressed and not much younger than myself--eating lunch by herself and i began to think about the days when i could take lunch breaks on my own. when i had the opportunity to wear nice clothes that weren't covered in boogers, and put on makeup, and do my hair. and she seemed to notice me in a similar way. she seemed sweet, probably someone i would like. she kept smiling at june, even when she was rowdy.

and then i remembered who i was when i was in her place. i remember the days of my pregnancy when all i did was work, to the point of exhaustion. i wondered how that life would fit into my life as a mom, and if there would ever be balance. when she was born, and i started back to work, every day i sped to the daycare to find her as the last baby of the night, in the arms of the daycare worker while they were turning out the lights and cleaning up. i was already the mom i swore i wouldn't be. and then, through ways that i would have never seen, God orchestrated the perfect balance for me. now, almost every day i am home with my little girl. and because He knew i would go insane without some sort of creative outlet, he has created the opportunity to work from home, doing things that i enjoy. it's not a lot, it's never easy, and there's not a day that goes by when i don't wonder if i should go get a full time job again. but then i couldn't bear putting her back in daycare after the joy of being home with her. so we adjust.

i always wanted to work from home. and until today i used to think that when that wish was granted, God chuckled and called me a fool. because Lord knows i've felt like one. there are days when i want to run screaming into the night. but now i know He didn't answer that prayer in laughter. He answered it in love, with an outpouring of blessing, because He sees what i normally don't see.

i looked back at the woman smiling at us, and i smiled back. because when i was her, i wanted to be who i am today. i am the person i always envied. i get to have lunch. on a monday. with my daughter. this is life. it doesn't get any better than this.

ABC's of Me

well i've begun about a half dozen blog posts in the last month, only to delete them half way through. i don't have the energy or voice to carry me through to the end. i don't know why. i feel like i'm in a creative cloud.

this takes very little creativity, and gives me at least a position in which to write something. a part of me hopes it helps clear some of the fog. if nothing else, it gets my brain moving a little as i think of the answers.

here goes!

A – Available or Married?

Married--Two years this week!

B – Book?

i don't know if i have a favorite, but probably the best paper i ever wrote in college was on "the awakening" by kate chopin. it actually wasn't even the assigned book. i requested to write it on that book because i loved it so much. it spoke a lot to who i was in college. 

C – Cake or Pie?

pie. or cheesecake if that counts. 

D – Drink of Choice

i'm a true water girl. i almost always prefer water. but i have a weakness for sweet tea and cherry coke.

E – Essential Item?

chapstick. 

F – Favorite Color?

blue or red (depending on the purpose)

G – Game to Play or Watch?

watch...wait am i choosing or naming? i don't do participation games...like the ones at showers. i do, however, love watching sec football.

H – Hometown?

warner robins, georgia. but i claim montgomery, alabama because it's what i remember the most and travel to the most.

I – Indulgence?

pedicures and gourmet mac n cheese

J – Job?

ha. which one? 

K – Kids?

a nine month old daughter named June..... :)

L – Life is incomplete without?

God, my family, dogs, carbs, and large bodies of water

M – Music group or singer?

i think this changes based on the stage i'm at in life. but i have to say the one band i have consistently loved since i was a teenager, through all life stages, has been dave matthews band. say what you will. i don't care. i'll shout it from the rooftops.

N – Number of siblings?

one younger sister

O – Oranges or Apples?

granny smiths. with brie.

P – Phobias / Fears?

roaches. and tragic death of loved ones.

Q – Favorite Quote?

in design school i had the pleasure of being taught by dr. maryann potter, the feistiest, no-nonsense design senior out there. she was very quotable. one of my favorites of hers (directed at something as simple as calculating how much paint you need per room) spoke to much more than she meant it: 

"you're trying to get lost in the forest. there's no need to. there are no trees here." 

R – Reason to smile?

my daughter

S – Season?

fall

T – Tattoos?

when done well, i like them very much on others, but i have none of my own. i'm too indecisive.

U – Unknown fact about me?

i played 3 or 4 musical instruments growing up. i also painted (i was better at painting than music i think). i was offered a scholarship (twice) to scad but i didn't go because of their lack of academics. i thought it was unrealistic. 

V – Vegetable you love?

i honestly don't love many vegetables. i eat them because i know they're good for me. 

W – Worst habit?

i pick at my nails. constantly. it drives my family insane.

X – X rays you have had?

teeth, wrist, and ankle. 

Y – your favorite food?

mac n cheese

Z – Zodiac?

capricorn

the list

for the sake of not sounding opinionated or agenda-minded in a post, this one is just about my personal beliefs. the things that get me through the day.

there are books about it, movies, theories, etc--we all have an idea of what we think an "afterlife" is like. i believe heaven is a real place, because the bible tells me it's real. does it say there is a cloud-like mist everywhere, and that there's a perpetual white backdrop, and everyone walks around with glowing skin in white robes? no. it doesn't get that specific. so i guess we're all left up to our own ideas of what it's like.

one thing that i associate with heaven is "the list."

the list is my on-going compilation of who will be at my welcoming party when i die and arrive to the "pearly gates." i like to think that there will be a big huge gathering of everyone who has made a difference in my life, all gathered around to usher me in, before i meet the Big Cheese. like a hundred high-fives before you go in for the interview. know what i'm sayin?

the list is divided into two categories: the people who i assume will go before me, and those who have already left this world and are dancing in the glory of our Father.

yesterday, the latter part of that list grew by one person.

derrell jenkins left our world after a long battle with cancer.

derrell and i were not best friends, not even close friends. we haven't spoken in probably a year. we met when i joined the nabard kung fu academy about 5 years ago. i remember thinking "what's up with that dude in the back, and why does he move so slow but sweat so much?" then he stopped coming for a little while. and it was then i learned who derrell was. derrell, not much older than myself, had been diagnosed with lung cancer and was in the middle of chemo therapy. he moved slowly because he kept a bag of the fluids draining from his body on the inside of his uniform.

then for a little while i passed him coming to class just as he was leaving. i remember asking master (our teacher) how derrell was doing one day. he said "not good. the cancer is all in his body." i couldn't believe it. he looked so healthy. like an entirely different person than the guy i met on my first day of class.

then our classes lined up and i was there when derrell was there. shortly after that, i found out it was because derrell came to every class. he was the first one there every morning. he drove from milton to get to class at 5:30 am. some mornings i didn't show up because i was tired, or because 4:45 came too soon, or because i was afraid of how sore i was going to be, or that i couldn't make it through another 90 degree, no a/c, 2 layers of clothes, toughest work-out of my life. seriously, i would dare a cross-fit loyal to come to class. and i don't say this to make me sound like a bad-ass. because i wasn't. i say it to make you realize just how tough derrell was. he sometimes came to class three times a day. when he had cancer. and i couldn't drive 10 minutes as a perfectly healthy person, three times a week.

on top of that, derrell was absolutely the most positive person in that academy. he was quick-witted, funny, and up-beat. every day. the days he didn't show up, i prayed he was ok. and on those days it was much harder to make it through an hour of grueling work. he joked with master, lightened the mood, and was the most beautifully open person when it came to his faith.

many people identify themselves as christian. but only a handful of people i've met truly embody what it means to love God, love people, and live boldly. derrell loved God, loved people, and was thankful every. single. day. and he let you know it, too. he mastered the method of sharing his faith in a way that didn't make people uncomfortable. he wasn't a "christian weirdo," he was a normal guy. every day he asked me how i was doing, asked how my job was, remembered little things about me--and all the while i would think "why does he care how i'm doing--he has cancer! i should be asking how he's doing!" master was not a person of faith. he joked that he told people who wanted to "save him" that he didn't need saving. he said "maybe i wanna go a hell." but i think derrell and master were very close friends. you would have to be, spending so much time together. i saw the impact derrell had on master--i saw the impact derrell had on everyone.

half the time people don't take me seriously when i talk about how i used to be a part of the kung fu academy. i haven't been since before i got pregnant. and i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss it. i don't miss the early hours, or how much pain that man put me through, but i miss belonging to something like that. it was like being part of a family (that just so happened to whip you into shape while you were there).

and today i know that family is hurting with the loss of derrell. for a while i believed that derrell looked so healthy because maybe God was healing him. i thought "why would God want someone with such a beautiful purpose to die? look at all the good he is doing on earth for His kingdom!" and only a few days ago he was hospitalized. and now he is gone. it is hard for me to understand, and probably harder for others. but i know that derrell completed his purpose. and that he got a "job well done" from the Big Cheese.

i mourn the loss of derrell not because of our relationship (or lack thereof), but because of the person he was. the world looks bleak without someone like derrell in it. although i do think his life will still impact people. i know it will. you only have to take a look at his facebook page to see how many people he impacted. it is overwhelming.

and now i can add derrell to the list. i'm blessed to have met him, and i can't wait to see him again.

6 months new

my baby is 6 months old...or 6 months new if you think about it. she is my first. and this is all still very new. with having a child, not only does your baby have a lot of firsts, but as parents, we do too! first loonnnggg car trip with a baby, first time going shopping and looking for items based on the fact you can nurse in them, first time i'm more concerned about someone else's skin more than my own when we're in the sun. lots of firsts. lots of newness.

here are some of the things i've observed about the newness of having a 6 month old:

relationships: when you have a child, your relationship with everyone changes, whether intentional or not. without knowing it, i have re-defined my relationship with people based on how they are as a mother themselves OR how they treat and respect me as a mother. and without knowing it, they've probably re-defined their relationship with me as a new mom. it's hard to explain, but i think it happens with everyone.

identity: i've gotten several reminders (before and after having a baby) that it's important to remember who you are as a woman and wife before who you are as a mother. i don't deny this fact. i know my children will one day fly the coop and i'll be left with my silly goober of a husband who will only become more of a goober when he's old. i know it's important to maintain that, even though i probably fail at it daily (but honestly it's hard when you are the mother of a baby and also breastfeed--there are literally certain things you are obligated to stop and do, no matter what). but what i also know is that i was designed to do this. i know God called me to be a mother. if you have known me a while or kept up with me recently, you may be aware that i change jobs like i change clothes. it hasn't been intentional--it just works out that way. i don't feel like i have one area of expertise that i'm passionate about, and i'll admit i have felt slightly flawed when i couldn't come up with even one thing that i had passion for when people would ask. but i am deeply passionate about being a mom. i research everything, i identify well with other moms, i love reaching out to new moms (and love facebook for that reason), and i deeply love the little person my husband and i have created. i am not a stay-at-home mom, but those of you who think it is not a real profession are delusional. it's probably one of the most real professions out there, because they are 100% committed to our up-coming generation. i'm still working out my mom-life balance but is a challenge i'm blessed to face.

the cage rattler: there's no polite way to say this so i'm just going to say it. i think male child psychologists are a load of bs. i have never considered myself to be a hard-core feminist, and i think there are tons of award-winning single dads that exist. i also am grateful daily that i don't walk this road alone. i often think to myself that i would literally go insane if it weren't for the help of my husband sometimes. i would be worn out, ragged, my grass would be at eye level, and i'd probably wear barf-covered jeans to work. i literally don't know how single moms do it. that being said...there are things that a mother knows, feels, and intuitively acts on based on some part of the brain that i'm convinced only exists in women. i'm not saying fathers are inferior because i've also known cases where the father is the sane parent in the home. but until you've been inside the mind of a mom, there's no way any man can preach to me on how to raise my child on any sort of professional level. it's just not happening. i might be wrong. i might be stubborn and ignorant. but that's just how it is.

and more about breastfeeding: no secret. i'm pro-breastfeeding. i've mentioned it before. it's not always the easy option, that's for sure. one reason is it's not so easy to plan an outing. you have to either pump ahead of time to have enough bottles, plan to breastfeed wherever and whenever, or to be back before your baby is hungry. sticking to a no formula rule may sound absurd to some, but i am firmly planted in what i want for my child....and begin tangent:

and you know, i should feel confident in that. i really do get tired of all the opinions. it's probably easy to tell that i have my own opinions, but i'm not going to stand around in a circle of moms and make comments about how i mother my child in a way that makes someone else look inferior. our job as moms is to make each other feel confident in our decisions and to know that the only "right way" is the way that works for your family. i mean, it's not like one way of parenting is like bringing up a child to be a serial killer. as long as we love and spend time with our children, it shouldn't matter when we start them on solids, or how soon they're potty trained, or how long they sleep in the bed with us, or if they spend too much time with mom. in general, i don't think kids spend enough time with their moms. i may not always agree with someone's parenting techniques, so you know what i do? i slap on my sweet southern manners, keep my mouth shut, and give them the respect they deserve as a mom facing today's (and yesterday's and tomorrow's) challenges exactly the same way i do.

...end tangent.

so i may not be able to enjoy an impromptu night out, but i am totally ok with that. especially because right now my baby is extra snuggly and will rest her head on my chest, fully awake, for a pretty good amount of time. and there is nothing you can tempt me with that would make me want to give that up. right now, life is good, my baby is easy, and i don't require a "much needed break." when she's a toddler, i'll take up that offer, especially when she's not physically attached to my body.

snuggles: see above. absolutely the best. there was a time when my baby would be content with anyone. and mostly, she still is. but sometimes she gets cranky and she just needs her mama or daddy. and that's ok with me. i already have the kid in daycare, so you can't pull the whole socialization card. sometimes a baby just needs her parents.

emotions: i've never considered myself to be an emotional person. but the mother-child bond and the growth process create a wreck in me sometimes. example: i was at a restaurant, enjoying pizza with my family, when a friend of my husband joined us with her four children (sidenote: the single mom thing i mentioned before--this lady is one of them--not only does she have four kids, but they are well-behaved and she also has time to maintain a killer body). they all took turns holding my daughter and playing with her when suddenly the youngest of her children became very upset and emotional, crying for apparently no reason. when she was finally able to express the reason for her upset, she cried something into her mom's chest, and her mom said back "what?! i don't like that baby more than i like you! you are my baby!! i LOVE you. and i will always love you." i shoved a piece of delicious pizza in my mouth to help choke back the flood of emotion that overcame me. to most it might have seemed like just a mom dealing with a crying child. but up close it was a tender moment between a mother and her youngest daughter. what a great mom she was to express that to her, and to know that her daughter didn't need disciplinary action, or a "come on, you're being ridiculous, quit crying." she knew that she needed to hear that she was loved, and that she was still her baby. there is a time for tough love and a time for tender love. i can only hope to have that kind of discernment with my children. eat that, male child psychologist.

that is all. for now.

the apology

this weekend i made a brief and off-hand but very profound apology to my daughter as i was packing her in the car. i said "little girl, i'm sorry in advance that we're raising you to be christian."

it came both directly from the place i'm at now in my faith, and also indirectly from my experience with the christian world.

allow me to explain:

by definition, i am a christian. i truly believe Jesus was the son of God and that he came to demonstrate God's love in the most profound way possible. i believe he saved me, knows me, and loves me despite my constant downfalls. i believe love is the greatest power on earth. you know that beatles song? "love is all you need..." i believe that's true. i believe God is love.

but ya'll. christians are some crazy bunch of weirdos. and i don't mean that in a good way. my husband is a good weird. loveable weird. but christians, i think, are some of the hardest people to love. and i think that's because i expect more of them. i expect christians to know and take practice in the fundamental law of christianity: to love God and love people. but christians are just as imperfect as anyone else. and we're allowed to be. but i think we often times forget that. not only is it forgotten by non-christians in a way that paints us in a light that says "oh, aren't you christian? aren't you supposed to be holy and crap? and like, generally a good person?"

no. not always. not even most of the time. not any more than anyone else. i know atheists that are better people than christians. and i can name a few christians that i'd love to punch in the face. and just by that statement i prove my point--i shouldn't want to punch anyone in the face. i should love above all else. there is a song i used to sing in church growing up: "and they will know we are christians by our love" based on paul's teachings. when we fail to love, we fail as christians.

in general, i would say christians have let me down a lot lately. it is what has kept me away from church, disengaged, and distant from christian social gatherings. i'm tired of the euphemisms. i'm tired of the insincerity. and i'm tired of the masks people wear day after day. i'm tired of hearing "i'll pray for you" when i know it probably isn't true. i'm tired of seeing my friends be hurt my church leaders. and i'm am sick and dang tired of the word "awesome."

i don't care how awesome your church is. i don't care about your free coffee or your give-aways or your picnics or your pictures of all the fun you have. i don't mean to call out any particular church because this trend is fast-growing, and that just covers one "demographic." (although isn't it strange that churches have demographics?) maybe you belong to a church where you're tired of wearing a suit and tie. maybe you're tired of feeling like you're "going to hell". maybe you're tired of pointing fingers. maybe you're tired of having to "perform" like a christian. maybe you're tired of living your life sheltered away from everything because it is "sinful." from time to time all christians feel like outsiders. there is always something we want more of. what is it you want?

what i want is to be sincerely valued as a contributing member of the church. i want someone to ask me how i'm doing and mean it. i want someone--anyone--to remember my name. no. scratch that. names are hard. i want people to remember me. i'd go to church in a dang grass hut with no instruments if someone took the time to make me feel like i belonged there.

and that is a double-edged sword. because there should be no connection between my relationship with christians and my relationship with God. but this world is not perfect, and therefore that relationship will always exist. i know that God would never hurt me, hold a grudge against me, be insincere with me, push me away when i'm struggling, or completely forget about me when i wander off. but as christians, we are family. and family is never perfect. you can't chose your family. they are there whether you like it or not. and sometimes being hurt by family is the worst hurt you can have, and the hardest wounds to heal.

several places in the new testament, it is made obvious that christianity does not mean your life will get easier. sometimes that was very literal. the apostles lived with a price on their head. people actually wanted to kill them. that's hard. and still exists today, making me very thankful that all i get from people is an eye roll or sarcastic laugh when i tell people i am a christian. but i also think when Jesus said "in this world you will have trouble", he had a smirk on his face. i think he looked into the future and muttered to himself "cuz ya'll just inherited the whole looney bin! good luck with christians!" (i like to imagine God with a sense of humor and a southern accent. ya'll.)

i know i probably have the wrong approach. my desire to live a normal life and fit in somewhere stems from my failure to have so much passion for God that i don't care about anything else. i pray that one day God is enough for me and that i no longer look to this world for satisfaction. because right now this world is ugly. and that's a heavy weight for a parent. four months into this gig and i'm already wishing i could shield my daughter from the hurts the world will cause her, especially from christians.

it's funny though. those of you who have been readers of my blog may recall what my pregnancy was like. from nearly the instant i discovered my pregnancy i had a very strong inkling of who my child would be (gender was obviously not part of that because i was 90% sure she was a boy). and already i see that coming true. her face lights up in the presence of even perfect strangers. even when they don't pay attention to her she will smile at people that walk past her. i knew that she would love people. i knew it from the beginning. i just hope she keeps her child-like innocence and is not diluted by the harsh realities of the world.

i hope my daughter becomes what the christian family desperately needs: lovers of people; people in their raw and unpolished form. because people are weird. ugly. and at times unloveable. when we can truly love the unloveable, it is then that we have done our job as christians. we've got a long way to go.