this explains a lot!

so i've been (reluctantly, due to my hatred of being photographed) having the hubs take photos each month to document my progress. it's no wonder i feel so much bigger lately. look at the difference between months 4 and 5! definitely broke the barrier between questionable weight gain and "there's a baby in there."

and last night we witnessed our first exterior belly movements. the mister likes to say in a deep voice "yo, lil' baby monks--this yo daddy! go clean your room!" and we got a few kicks out of that (literally).

sidenote: it's too bad my hair didn't look as good in 4 as it does in 5 (or all the others, for that matter). i'm having a good hair day apparently! must be the drop in humidity which i'm thoroughly enjoying...

our little night owl

so i'm in week 23 and i just really need to ask all the moms on "i didn't know i was pregnant" a question: how did you not feel that?! if i didn't know there was a baby inside of me, i'd for sure think it was an alien. in contrast to the beginning movements, i know this ain't gas!

last night i was awake (as i usually am during the baby's active times of the night) and felt some sort of limb move from one side of my belly to the other. not the usual jabs and punches. from my kung fu days i thought to myself "i think that was the elbow move from line one...yep, definitely the elbow."if it hadn't been dark in the room i'm sure i could have seen it.

but one thing is for sure, the night time movements are much bigger and more pronounced than the daytime flutters and squirms. i'm afraid we're going to have a night baby on our hands. especially considering how much time i spend just lying awake. something tells me my internal clock is being adjusted. bye-bye sleep! see ya in a few years!

there's not much else to report for the last couple of weeks, except that i seem to have grown a baby in a week. sometimes i walk past the mirror on the way to the shower in the mornings and do a double-take. i even googled "23 weeks pregnant" to see if i was a normal size compared to other women. i'm afraid so. i just don't have as much room. considering the baby already monopolizes every square inch of body cavity i have vertically, the only place for him or her to grow is out. just when i think "man, i'm really starting to look pregnant," then i start looking more pregnant. easy logic, i know. but when it's your body changing, it's very much a daily adjustment!

and that's pretty much it. no cravings, no mood swings. just normal me with a growing belly and an active night owl inside.

whoa baby!

21 weeks. time is flying!

lots of changes these days. like, for example, i'm sitting here trying to type a blog feeling like i just ate 5 lbs of pasta because baby has decided "hey! there's so much more room up here!" and has moved into my ribcage for the time being. where normally my lower belly is tight and round, it is now loose and deflated while my upper belly is quite round (and uncomfortable), unless i can convince little monks to move back down to where he/she is supposed to be.

i also feel like i finally look pregnant (in some clothes anyway). it's definitely that stage where people are starting to look at my belly and wonder. my sister's friend had a shirt that said "yes, i'm pregnant." i think i need that shirt.

i'm feeling kicks and turns and movements all the time now. what started as just a flutter here and there are now full-blown scheduled times of activity (right now i'm picturing the part in step-brothers where they bunk their beds and survey the room exclaiming "there's so much room for activities!"). for example i found myself wide awake at 2am a couple of nights ago, first hungry for a pb&j sandwich, and then returning to bed for probably the most movement i've felt so far. about a week ago i was finally able to feel the little movements on the outside of my belly, but i am lucky to catch them. but that night, all i had to do was rest my hand anywhere near my belly and that was enough to catch the choreography going on inside there. it was crazy! and even the hubs has gotten his hand over in time to feel a few bumps here and there.

i feel a lot of normalcy right now. no crazy emotions or cravings or anything like that. still a general tiredness from time to time, but not a "i can't get out of bed" exhaustion like the first trimester. i just usually think to myself how great a nap would be. i've gained 3 whole pounds, and for this i am very relieved. i admit there's a lot of vanity tied to that, because i've long had a great fear of what my body would do during pregnancy. i'm short, and already curvy. haven't considered myself "thin" since my early teens. i have little room in my body for a baby (and when i say this, i don't exaggerate--i just got back from my prenatal appointment on friday and was shown exactly where the top of my uterus is right now...i have four inches left--FOUR, people). and because of this i always feared i'd balloon up and be one of those women who gains tons of weight during pregnancy and is left with an unrecognizable body afterwards. i had pre-accepted the fact that i'd just be a beached whale as pregnant person. but i think i'm doing ok. i've read and heard that if the majority of your weight is gained towards the later half of pregnancy that you have a much better chance of returning to your normal weight pretty quickly after birth. now, don't get me wrong. i DON'T think these thoughts are healthy in anyway. nor do i judge other pregnant women by the way their bodies take shape during pregnancy because i've always thought pregnant women were beautiful. therefore, i realize that this points to an underlying issue of insecurity. but, dangit, right now i'm just happy that people are telling me i look great for once in my life! i'm living it up while i can!

so other than the fact that i sometimes feel like my legs are going to break off at the hip, i feel pretty good. no major problems. but dang, my hips really hurt sometimes! and i can't pinpoint exactly what it is. some sources say it could be sciatica, and some say it's your joints moving because your ligaments are more stretchy. whatever it is, i'll be glad when that part is over. i'm living for my heating pad most nights.

i also think i finally settled on a healthcare provider to deliver our baby. i didn't initially plan on switching, but i think we've made the best decision possible given our options. and i've learned a lot more about the birthing process since this all started. i just pray everything goes normally and without complication. i like to whisper our baby words of encouragement that usually involve the word "seven" and "little." i like to stay away from words like "nine" and "ten" and "big."

i also went to this giant mom-to-mom sale event thanks to a friend who gave up her ticket and got a lot of goodies for really great deals! one of them was a pretty sweet dinosaur onsie. it even has socks with "claws" on them. it is awesome. my husband and i have a thing for dinosaurs. and i was a dinosaur for my first halloween. super cute.

and i'll just leave you with that thought in your head since this has turned into a novel. and i'll try and get some pictures up soon of my growing (and moving) belly!

almost half way

well, i'm over 19 weeks. and we had an ultrasound last week! above is my favorite picture. it's not so skeleton-y and you can see the perfect facial profile. i'm a little obsessed with that cute little nose. the ultrasound lasted a long time (partially because i didn't want the torture of drinking as much water as they wanted me to before going in, and therefore they made me drink it when i got there). while there we got to see flips and rolls and waves and feet. it's such a reassurance, because even though it's pretty apparent that i'm pregnant, i don't feel a whole lot yet. seeing all that movement was like "all that's happening inside my body?!"

but i am starting to feel more! especially at night when i lay down, and in the morning when i really wake up and really have to teetee. i guess since my bladder is so full there is less room for baby and i can feel more?? i don't know. all i know is i like it! it's surprising how emotionally attached i am to someone i don't even know yet.

i've also come increasingly interested (perhaps mildly obsessed) with pregnancy, the birthing process, and early infancy. i want to know everyone's birthing story. i want to know what it was like when the moms in my life were pregnant. i want to know everything. and people aren't as willing to give up their experiences with me as i would have thought :) every time i see a pregnant woman i want to stop her and invite her over for coffee.

i've also become increasingly opinionated. this is no surprise. i don't claim to be a non-opinionated person. or a non-stubborn person. i don't surprise myself. but i understand the birthing process is something very personal, so for that reason i don't really like talking about it with people. first of all, i don't want to offend anyone. secondly, i understand (despite what everyone might think) that birth doesn't always go as planned. i know this! i promise i do! but i also think that there are a lot further measures you can go to in order to protect your birth plan. i've done so much research. watched a lot of videos. but i haven't experienced it yet, so that's why i'm still pretty private about it. i don't claim to be a pro! when baby arrives and i have time for blogging afterward, then i will divulge :)

i want to know though--is this normal? do pregnant women do this kind of research? or do they just go to the doctor, call the doctor when they're in labor, and go to the hospital and just have a baby the way everyone around them says it should be done? i think it's vitally important to not only know your body and what it's capable of, but to also know the process and know your options. it's never a bad thing to do research and i don't think you can be over-prepared for such a life-defining moment. i've even had fathers tell me that the absolute best moment of their life was seeing their children arrive into the world. wouldn't you want that to be as special as possible? (somewhere someone is going "yes, but safe and special"--i know, i get it.)

ok i'm done.

also. h&m has maternity clothes. and i bought myself a pair of skinny maternity mint jeans. oh yes i did!

word to the wise

try not to get pregnant during a planned bathroom renovation. especially a master bath renovation, adjacent to the place where you sleep...and keep you clothes, and dress, and do laundry, and keep all the stuff that used to be in said renovated space.

i am trying to keep my cool and not have a total control-freak meltdown, but i swear there is drywall dust hiding in the deepest darkest corners of our house, escaping all my attempts to get rid of it, waiting for a day to come out and spread itself all over my bed. and just when you can say "well, this is sort of clean and livable," the next day you come in to find that work has been done to create more dust.

i think what doesn't need to be said here is that, despite my overall emotional calm (with the exception of my weepiness around babies and baby subjects), you can say that i'm having one of those pregnancy freak-outs.

this has been an on-going project for about a month now. and that is a very long time to be put out of your bedroom. to have who-knows-what floating through the air and landing on your sleeping textiles. and to have to cover all of your belongings with sheets and blankets, which then, invite a surface for laying tools and plumbing fixtures on, as if there are not personal belongings under the sheets and blankets. little known fact about me: i have slight fear/obsession with air quality (i hold my breath when i walk behind running cars, or when walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke), and pregnancy has not made that any better. i am convinced that with breathing all of this, that somehow my baby will suffer. that he or she will be born with asthma or underdeveloped lungs or something else of the respiratory sort. toxins. toxins, everywhere.

are these rational fears? probably not. am i a little bit of a control freak? it's not unlikely. but still. that does not create within me some newfound patience or acceptance for things out of my control. it just makes me want to pull my hair out.

so please. pray for me and my sanity. and pray that no other tropical weather systems come through with their 90% humidity, causing everything to take 3 times as long to dry. and pray that this thing is finished by the end of next week. please. please, God, please. please. i am not learning any lessons here. i am only going slowly insane.

in other news, i have an ultrasound on friday. i'm hoping little monks stays modest and doesn't give away whether he or she is a he or she.

i also made a very terrible nutritional decision today. i was caught off-guard when my boss came in to work and immediately grabbed us for a pow-wow. before i knew it, it was 1:15 and i had become more hungry than i can remember being at any one point in my life. my muscles felt similar to the way you might feel while trying to drive a tractor after running 5 miles. i broke out in cold sweats. i don't remember anything that was said to me. i was shaking. as soon as i could i got in my car and drove to the shortest fast-food drive-thru line i could find. which was whataburger. and they were advertising patty melts. and i ordered one for $5.35 (not the meal, mind you--just the sandwich). it was delicious while it lasted. that was 8 hours ago. i am still regretting it.

the end.

16 weeks and some change

this title was meant to be literal, but then i realized it's pretty metaphoric...

pregnancy has forced us to face some pretty raw truths--not only about our lives, but about life in general. it's pretty apparent, that if there's some aspect of how we live that we're not satisfied with, that we have a very limited amount of time to do something about it. sometimes in life, God allows you just to meander around, choosing this path or that, reversing and turning around. and then other times (like now), you're more like one of 100 sheep trying to fit through a narrow gate, with a border collie nipping at your heels. change--although apparent--is not easily circumnavigated. it's tight, and awkward, and chaotic.

since finding out about the arrival of "little monks," we've been forced to assess our finances, our marriage, our jobs, our geographical location, with whom we surround ourselves, and where we go on sundays (and also the insane amount of stuff we have no storage for in our 20s house with no garage, which has also been daunting, but not nearly as mind-warping...for some of us). all of the other extra fluff in your life is stripped away, slowly, until you're left with the basics: God, family, friends, and health.

there are ways i pictured myself as a mom. but the way you picture it is never the way it turns out. i'm sure even those who planned their pregnancies according to a certain place they were in life would say that having a child was nothing like they thought it would be. i thought that we'd be comfortable enough financially that i could make the choice whether to stay home or go back to work. a part of me even dreamed that i would have had a thriving at-home stationery business. i thought we'd own our own home. and that we'd be close to family.

but even with all the uncertainty we face, there is one thing in which i'm confident: God takes care of us. even when it's hard to see or have absolute faith in--He always does. He is faithful when we are not.  kind without a degree of obligation, and loving when we least deserve it. we may not be taken care of in the ways which i would ideally plan. and instead of abundance, it may be just enough to get by. and because of this, i try and quiet the voices that pressure me saying "you have to provide--you have no choice now." i have to do my best, and for that i am accountable. but it's not up to me to be the provider. nor is it up to my husband. the minute we take on that mindset, the power is taken away from God. and when we take that away, we are nothing but frail creatures, thinking that by increasing our income we are more safe, when really, all the added pressure just makes the ground beneath us weaker. we are no safer making $100K a year than we are making $40K a year if we do not place ourselves in God's hands.

that being said, there are certain boundaries that i have always kept, that i will not cross in order to "increase my standard of living." and right now, those are crystal clear to me. i will not sacrifice the basics: God, family, friends, or health. because ultimately, no matter what your values are in life, no matter what you believe, no one at the end of their life is going to say "i wish i'd spent more time climbing the corporate ladder; i wish i'd made more money; i wish i'd gone in on those saturdays when i really needed to. i wish i'd cashed in more vacation days." if they're anything like me (which, i think most people at the end of their life would be surprised at how similar they are) they will say:

"i wish i'd spent more time with the people i loved. i wish i'd spent more time away from the office. i wish i had seen more of the world. i wish i had passed on what i love about life to someone else."

so now, my primary goals as a mom are not to be financially comfortable, to own my own home, or have a thriving business, or any of that. it's to spend time with my family. to not make my children spend too many days counting down the minutes until i'm home. to show them the things that my husband and i love. to teach them to love God and love people. to teach them not to worry, and to spend time outside. to laugh with friends. to take leaps of faith. to go on adventures. to truly love life and be able to pass on the same things to their children.

16 weeks down, 24 to go. we can't wait until you're here, little monks.

hello, second trimester

today i am over 13 weeks and officially in my second trimester. woohoo! i welcome it with open arms and look forward to the time we'll spend together.

what's different so far? my appetite is back. i have eaten eggs (in mixtures) 3 times now. i don't feel sick unless i don't eat. and the exhaustion is wearing away. i met a pregnant girl not long ago who told me her second trimester gave her so much energy that she got 2 more jobs. what?! i can't imagine that, but i'd like a bit of that energy. i still nap some evenings after work. and i'm pretty into hot fudge sundaes.

my tummy looks like it's actually gotten smaller...although part of me thinks the initial pooch was just gas. very real possibility, folks. but maternity pants = awesome. kinda like wearing yoga pants that look like real pants. and no one knows. i'm secretly way more comfortable than i look.

i'm working on learning to sleep on my side (not easy) and trying to eat more fruits and veggies now that i feel like eating. i need to get back on my green smoothie thing.

we also got to hear the heartbeat of our baby for about 5 very faint seconds. the hubs tried to record it on my phone but it didn't work. the doctor said "yeah don't play that for anyone. they're gonna be like 'i don't hear it. you're not even pregnant. stop trying to get out of things.' " he's funny. we like him.

also. the business of being born. watched that. informative. had a minor freak-out. let's just say our "birth plan" is subject to change.

still think it's a boy. everyone around me calls the baby "he." i'm sorry little baby if you are a girl. please don't develop a complex. we love you either way.