16 weeks and some change

this title was meant to be literal, but then i realized it's pretty metaphoric...

pregnancy has forced us to face some pretty raw truths--not only about our lives, but about life in general. it's pretty apparent, that if there's some aspect of how we live that we're not satisfied with, that we have a very limited amount of time to do something about it. sometimes in life, God allows you just to meander around, choosing this path or that, reversing and turning around. and then other times (like now), you're more like one of 100 sheep trying to fit through a narrow gate, with a border collie nipping at your heels. change--although apparent--is not easily circumnavigated. it's tight, and awkward, and chaotic.

since finding out about the arrival of "little monks," we've been forced to assess our finances, our marriage, our jobs, our geographical location, with whom we surround ourselves, and where we go on sundays (and also the insane amount of stuff we have no storage for in our 20s house with no garage, which has also been daunting, but not nearly as mind-warping...for some of us). all of the other extra fluff in your life is stripped away, slowly, until you're left with the basics: God, family, friends, and health.

there are ways i pictured myself as a mom. but the way you picture it is never the way it turns out. i'm sure even those who planned their pregnancies according to a certain place they were in life would say that having a child was nothing like they thought it would be. i thought that we'd be comfortable enough financially that i could make the choice whether to stay home or go back to work. a part of me even dreamed that i would have had a thriving at-home stationery business. i thought we'd own our own home. and that we'd be close to family.

but even with all the uncertainty we face, there is one thing in which i'm confident: God takes care of us. even when it's hard to see or have absolute faith in--He always does. He is faithful when we are not.  kind without a degree of obligation, and loving when we least deserve it. we may not be taken care of in the ways which i would ideally plan. and instead of abundance, it may be just enough to get by. and because of this, i try and quiet the voices that pressure me saying "you have to provide--you have no choice now." i have to do my best, and for that i am accountable. but it's not up to me to be the provider. nor is it up to my husband. the minute we take on that mindset, the power is taken away from God. and when we take that away, we are nothing but frail creatures, thinking that by increasing our income we are more safe, when really, all the added pressure just makes the ground beneath us weaker. we are no safer making $100K a year than we are making $40K a year if we do not place ourselves in God's hands.

that being said, there are certain boundaries that i have always kept, that i will not cross in order to "increase my standard of living." and right now, those are crystal clear to me. i will not sacrifice the basics: God, family, friends, or health. because ultimately, no matter what your values are in life, no matter what you believe, no one at the end of their life is going to say "i wish i'd spent more time climbing the corporate ladder; i wish i'd made more money; i wish i'd gone in on those saturdays when i really needed to. i wish i'd cashed in more vacation days." if they're anything like me (which, i think most people at the end of their life would be surprised at how similar they are) they will say:

"i wish i'd spent more time with the people i loved. i wish i'd spent more time away from the office. i wish i had seen more of the world. i wish i had passed on what i love about life to someone else."

so now, my primary goals as a mom are not to be financially comfortable, to own my own home, or have a thriving business, or any of that. it's to spend time with my family. to not make my children spend too many days counting down the minutes until i'm home. to show them the things that my husband and i love. to teach them to love God and love people. to teach them not to worry, and to spend time outside. to laugh with friends. to take leaps of faith. to go on adventures. to truly love life and be able to pass on the same things to their children.

16 weeks down, 24 to go. we can't wait until you're here, little monks.