american dreamers

some of you may recall a house that i was in contract for since april (short sale...NOT short)

2 weeks ago the bank accepted my offer. i was ecstatic. the back-and-forth i had in my head about my future was finally ironing itself out. pensacola it is!

yesterday i found out that the seller had some financial information that he did not disclose to the bank, and therefore they will not do a short sale. meaning i don't get the house.

when i started house hunting nearly a year ago it was just for kicks. i was tired of apartment living and interest rates were low--why not? then i got engaged. and now it's 2 months until my wedding. it wasn't long before home ownership became much more than just a place to own.

i began filling this "house" with future memories--early mornings with a baby on a blanket in the grass while i spend time in our vegetable garden. building a chicken coop to supply us for the insane amount of eggs we eat (and when i say "we" i really mean my fiance, who eats more eggs in a day than i'd like to in a week). this house would be our home--our place to begin a family.

aside from that, for those of you who don't know, i am an artist at heart. a designer. a creator of beauty where others may not see it. a house is not just a dwelling for me. it is a blank canvas. i had, room by room, gone through color schematics in my head, orchestrating great spaces for living. of course on a small income i wouldn't have the resources to perform all of this at once, so i relished in the opportunity to wake up on saturday morning with a "to-do" list for the home: a masterpiece unfolding one weekend at a time.

i also dream of having a warm home for gatherings. nothing special, but a place where people feel welcome and comfortable and at home. bear with me through the next example: i have a friend who said she thought it was weird that all her son's friends were always pooping in her house (in the bathroom of course, not like animals). then one of the mom's of the friends told her "you should feel honored! people only poop where they are most comfortable--they are at home in your house!" so basically, in so many words, i want a home where people feel comfortable handling their business, if you will. the place where i live now, although decent and clean, is not a place where i bring guests. not only do i take no pride in my apartment unit, but how am i supposed to have people over when there is always a lingering smell of smoke (all kinds) from my neighbor, who sometimes decides he is starting a band (i think he plays the bongos), or the desperate yapping from the dog upstairs who obviously suffers from severe separation anxiety. this is not a home! this is not a gathering place!

all at once, in one phone call, all of these dreams i had fell to pieces. i fear i will have nowhere to live when i get married. i fear i will have to raise our child in an apartment and we will be the newly hated tenants with a baby that cries all night. i fear i will never be able to leave my own personal touch on a space; that i will never be able to create anything out of my dwelling. i fear i will not soon have a place to call home and invite guests to.

when i write it out it seems silly. lots of people raise children in apartments. lots of people rent for a long time. lots of people live within off-white walls. and they have people over in these spaces. and they turn out just fine. but tell that to my heart. tell that to the part of me that so achingly wants a place to call my own. a place that would make my children proud, and when they grow up they'll drive by with their children and say "that's where i grew up!"

a book i started reading challenges the american dream. in so many words you might say it calls the american dream pointless, frivolous, and worth nothing in the kingdom of heaven. i might say he's right. after all, the desires i have to have a family and a home produce within me a sinful reaction of fear, anxiety, and doubt, to mention a few. as james 1 puts it, i am tossed about like the waves of the ocean. i am unsure of my future, of God's path for our lives, and even worse, i doubt my ability to understand at all what God wants of me, and what exactly He was trying to do by stringing me along for nearly a year. i am emotionally exhausted. i feel shame in my heart, because i am standing on the thin line of those, who in anger, blame God. i don't blame him for my disappointment. i just want to know what his goals are. i don't feel like i gained patience, wisdom, or understanding.

but perhaps not enough time has passed for me to be able to see things clearly for what they are. i also came to the conclusion last night that not once in any of these processes or waiting games did i give up any control. when a peace came over me (however short-lived it may have been), i mistook it for a release of control. i was such a fool. we are creatures of misunderstanding, control, and it is hard to give up something to a God we cannot see.

i have mastered nothing in this process. i have learned little. i harbor confusion and chaos in my heart. my faith is wavered. i have no idea what to do next. i don't even know what to ask for. i know that things could be worse. i know that in a grand scale these troubles are minor--some may not even give them the honor of being called troubles. perhaps God is trying to break me of my worldliness, because i will be honest. up until this point i have never thought of myself as a worldly person. i do not love money, cars, or expensive things. but in this one thing, i am attached so deeply. i tell myself (and God): "is it so much to ask for a small house?! just a house with good bones to call my own?!" and God may be laughing at this point. perhaps it is the complete opposite of what he wants, and for this reason i am deaf to his calling. even in this speculation i am unsure. it is only a guess.

at this point everything is just a guess.