things around my house are quieting down
i've made time for naps almost daily for the past few weeks. this unbearable heat (especially when you're 9 months pregnant) has us inside most days. i've given in to tv and movies for our 2 year old as much as i did in the first trimester. and i'm ok with that. it keeps her still...mostly. it keeps me from wearing myself out. it mostly keeps the peace. after mid-morning i call it quits and tell her she has to play, until about 4 or 5 when i have to start thinking about what quick and easy thing i can whip up for dinner.
speaking of dinners and food, i can't tell you how much i have enjoyed the success of our garden this year. we have three beds, and right now more tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, blueberries, and nearly-ripe cantaloupe than we could imagine. a few strawberries, onions, potatoes, and heads of lettuce are peeking their delicious faces at us as well. i remember the night we found out i was pregnant, coming home to last year's garden (which failed miserably) to find dozens of tomatoes. and now, here i am, on the verge of bursting, and our garden--one season later--is flourishing. it reminds me how blessed we are.
impatience has set in, as all of the claims to early delivery have now been shushed, since my due date is tomorrow and we've had nothing more than a couple of small false alarms. two weeks in row my midwife announced me at only 1cm dilated. not effaced. still posterior.
ugh.
the words of those close and even perfect strangers ring in my head:
"the second one always comes faster!"
"you won't make it till next week!"
"oh i was 3cm for weeks with my second--it'll be so much easier for you!"
and here i am, still hoisting myself into the easier yoga positions every day, walking most every night, eating mounds of dates, drinking raspberry leaf tea, taking large doses of evening primrose oil--and baby is still snug as a bug in a rug.
and that's fine. it really is.
is it annoying that we have to keep buying groceries (because every week feels like it'll be your last before you move to freezer meals and take-out and meals from your friends and neighbors and church for a while)? yes. am i aggravated that i have to re-clean my house because 2 weeks ago i scrubbed it from top to bottom? sure. even the fact that i had to re-paint my toenails yesterday because the 10-day-no-chip finally maxed out. those things are slightly irritating.
but nothing compares to the part of my brain where june's birth still sits with me. long. foreign. hard. nothing like i thought it would be. the truth is, i've prayed for peace, i've rested on peace, and still i'm fearful.
i voiced my fears to my husband about a week ago and when i got done (which felt good), it was funny because his fears were the exact opposite. while i feared laboring too long, going to the hospital too soon, accepting defeat and an epidural (and what that might lead to), HE actually fears that i'll stay home too long and he will have to deliver this baby on the side of the road! then i saw some of the humor in the situation. it made it easier to come out of the cloud of uncertainty.
a few weeks ago our pastor preached on the popular "the lord is my shepherd" psalm 23. he talked about how profound the part about resting in green pastures was, about how hard it was to be a sheep--constantly stalked by predators, never at ease...how glorious it was that a sheep may lie in green pastures.
i envisioned myself in green pastures. and i found it. i found my safe place.
deep breathing and the power of envisioning yourself somewhere else are two of the key elements to making it through labor that i read and re-read. deep breathing, check. i can do that. i already did that. but how do i relax? how do i find a calm space?
i can let my Shepherd take me to lie in green pastures.
those that have been there may be saying at this point "sure, let me know how that works out for you!" and let me assure you, i remember well it well. i remember nothing but the pain of what felt like someone trying to drive a 747 jumbo jet out of my pelvis. but maybe. juuusssttttt maybe, this time, i can make room for one more thought and make it through this.
and maybe my body will help me out by preparing a little more in advance this time ;)
i don't necessarily want quick. or easier. i just want something less than 24 hours. less than 12 would be even better! but even if it's not, i can rest knowing that the sensations won't be so foreign. that i have a midwife who desperately wants to be present at this birth! who believes in me and my body's ability to do what God made it to do.
"you're just gonna go in there, you're gonna do hard work, and you're going to have this baby the way God intended."
amen and amen.
so start praying now, friends! i may not have the chance to ask when baby starts to make his or her way, so pray for me now. pray for baby now. pray for the people in the room. pray for my green pastures.
and now a two year old sits in her room going "mooooooom!" upon waking up from her nap. when did she start calling me "mom?" child, you are 2 1/2. we live in the south. i am still mama! i can't deal with being mom just yet. ha! and while you're at it, pray for big sister, too. she's not quite old enough to understand the whirlwind she's about to be pulled into! :)
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Thursday, April 16, 2015
so this is pregnancy
here i am at 6 months, and i'm just going to tell you right now: i don't love this pregnancy. do i think it's a totally magical time? absolutely. do i love my body more than i ever have? you bet. i would wear a bikini to the beach, today, right now. pregnancy gives me a strange confidence. not to say i don't have days where i feel like nothing looks good on me and pout in my underwear in my closet as i stare at my clothes. but i get that pregnancy is a powerful, amazing, and nothing to take for granted. it's a blessing i don't deserve.
the first time around, i was one of those odd pregnant women that loved being pregnant. LOVED it. even at the end. i don't hate it this time, but i'm definitely understanding the other side of the argument. i'm getting all those other things that they warn you about: terrible indigestion, leg cramps, sciatica (my only complaint last time), peeing an ounce every 20 minutes, allergies out of nowhere (yeah! they don't tell you about that! did you know some people actually have to give away their pets for a while because they develop horrible allergic reactions to their own animals?! it happens!).
i'm also generally pretty mellow during pregnancy. i get a little sensitive weepy in the beginning, but overall i'm even-tempered. people were amazed by it during my first pregnancy. but this time, even with all that mellow-ness, i've found that i've developed a few "hot button" issues. so because social media ranting is frowned upon, i'll share them here:
1. bad customer service...i.e. anything less than outstanding customer service. i don't know if it's because i'm pregnant with a toddler, or if i've been in fairhope so long that i've developed some sort of entitlement, but i will not accept anything less than great customer service. coming from several jobs where i had to bend over backwards to make customers happy, i don't understand management that doesn't enforce the same things with it's customers. it's been proven as the #1 driving force behind customer loyalty. i've written letters, asked for managers, all of that. if i get bad service somewhere, and if for some reason you decide to bag my groceries in plastic before asking me my bag preference, i swear i will pack my shiznay and not come back to your store unless it's carrying a giant attitude. and i might write a letter.
if you see a pregnant woman with a 2 year old up in your store, you better give her good service!!!
2. the mom comparison game. oooooh this one burns me right up. especially the stay-at-home vs working mom comparison. hey! guess what?! i've done both and THEY ARE BOTH HARD. if you are a mom at all--if you have a child under your care, no matter how many, you deserve more than one day of obligated thanks. you've done hard things. you'll do more hard things. and for being such a wonderful country, our government's parent policies just plain suck. we deserve more.
but if you're a working mom, don't you dare make a stay-at-home mom feel like she's got it easy just because she doesn't have to work around her work schedule to meet the demands of her children. stay-at-home moms have no personal schedule because they're always meeting the demands of their children.
and if you're a stay-at-home mom, don't you dare make a working mom feel like she has it easy because she can't give herself to her children 24/7. or because she gets to have adult conversation and real thoughts and eat lunch in peace every day. because she'd trade it in an instant to have more vacation days to spend with her children. to not feel like she's paying someone else to raise her children.
and if you're a work-at-home mom, don't you dare make either of the above feel like somehow they're less because they can't do both. because when you work from home, you're neither fully employed or fully a mom. it's a constant battle and you constantly have to choose between your work and your kids. you hear yourself say "not now, mama's busy" way too many times, and chances are your boss/clients don't understand the days when you have to throw your hands up and accept that no work is getting done that day because your kid will simply not have it.
there's no magical answer. no easy way to be a mom. what all moms need is more mom support. end of story.
rant conclusion
************
part II (since i piece these things together during several different writing sessions):
today i woke up and, for some reason, at nearly 7 months into this, i realized my daughter's days of being an only child are soon ending. they're dwindling. and soon i will say goodbye to my days as a mother of one. i have a very short time to make it count with her.
this time has gone by so fast. partly because, well--she's only two. but also because it just does!
it has made me grateful for the decisions i have made as a parent not to be pressured into anything before i was ready, despite the opinion of others. "the days are long but the years are short." isn't that what they say? so true.
if there's anything i'd say to a first-time mom about parenting, i'd say: no matter how you choose to parent, do it because it's how YOU want to do it. not anyone else around you. consult your significant other before anyone else. parent together. make the decision together. as long as you're agreed, you can discuss the matters with others, but don't bring outsiders (no matter how close you are) into the decision-making process. because, you know what? times are different. situations are different. children are different. YOU are different. do what you think is best. when YOU are ready. how YOU want to do it. (just, for the love of pete, don't break any laws like putting your 10 month old in a forward-facing carseat.)
i'm glad i didn't wean before we were ready, send my daughter packing for the weekend before WE were ready, or do anything else that made me uncomfortable. because in the grand scheme of things, she received nutrition and comfort from me for 22 short months. she spent every night within earshot of us for 2 tiny years. we learned the hard way through night terrors what an off-schedule or overtired baby can get you. so all that schedule worry that people say is crazy, because "it's impossible to keep a baby on a schedule" paid off because we've only had one repeat, and i don't care for any more.
maybe you're the opposite kind of parent, and hey, cool. i'm glad that works for you. i'm glad you found what works. that's all we can ever hope for--something that works in this wild and crazy ride.
now for those that didn't come for unsolicited parenting advice from an unqualified parent of one, here's a few fun current pregnancy facts:
-- cravings: fruit, asian noodle bowls (like pho and real ramen and coconut soup), and fish tacos--this may be because i'm having a summer baby this time and "comfort foods" just make me uncomfortable
-- weight gain: somewhere around 18lbs, but it fluctuates depending on how bad my indigestion is
-- names: we have a few we like (a top 5 list maybe?) and we aren't sharing. sorry. mostly because this all depends on who this baby is and what he or she looks like to us upon arrival! it could all change!
-- still have a belly button
-- i'm now big enough for june to identify the "baby", and she always wants to show it to people bare naked (as if they can't tell through my clothing). i also think she thinks that access to the baby is through my belly button ;) she sometimes digs in it like she wants to open it and peek inside. but to answer a very popular question: no, she's 2, and she doesn't understand that we're having an actual baby so i don't know how she feels about it
-- my fundal height, aka the size of my uterus is right on track (june was the same)
-- baby doesn't kick so much as just do strange movements and bladder punches--i don't feel feet or hands poking out; with june i almost always knew where her feet were, which is funny because even to this day she will dig her feet into the person closest, and always has to have them free
-- my hair and nails don't feel or look as mega-healthy as they did last pregnancy
-- we are not "doing" a nursery and we don't really have colors; we plan to move june from her toddler bed (the convertible crib) to a legit twin bed, and then we plan to room share when the baby is sleeping through the night....assuming june is sleeping through the night then, too (please, please God, please). yes i'm a designer, but i'm also a realist and a minimalist. right now we only need a bassinet since i'm breastfeeding and need baby close for a while.
-- still doing yoga, still love it. i'll probably continue after pregnancy. i think sciatica will probably be the major complaint in all of my pregnancies, especially towards the end, but most sources claim that it will set in sooner on your second pregnancy. mine actually came later, and i credit that to being more active this pregnancy
-- labor is my biggest fear. not the pain, and not the possibilities of emergencies, but just that it will be long and that the staff will be foreign and unsupportive. that i won't be respected as the mother going through the experience of childbirth, and even though baby's safety is priority, i still matter. my wishes still count. i'm working and praying on peace in this matter, but i'm also doing more to prepare this time around. and i'll take your prayers in this arena as well!
that's it! i honestly don't know if i'll make it to another post before baby--this one was worked on in bits and pieces for months. oh, the luxury of time before children!!
so wish us luck and send us prayers for a smooth and quick delivery! the hospital is 25-30min away and i'm staying home much longer with this one so just pray jeremy doesn't have to deliver the baby ;)
the first time around, i was one of those odd pregnant women that loved being pregnant. LOVED it. even at the end. i don't hate it this time, but i'm definitely understanding the other side of the argument. i'm getting all those other things that they warn you about: terrible indigestion, leg cramps, sciatica (my only complaint last time), peeing an ounce every 20 minutes, allergies out of nowhere (yeah! they don't tell you about that! did you know some people actually have to give away their pets for a while because they develop horrible allergic reactions to their own animals?! it happens!).
i'm also generally pretty mellow during pregnancy. i get a little sensitive weepy in the beginning, but overall i'm even-tempered. people were amazed by it during my first pregnancy. but this time, even with all that mellow-ness, i've found that i've developed a few "hot button" issues. so because social media ranting is frowned upon, i'll share them here:
1. bad customer service...i.e. anything less than outstanding customer service. i don't know if it's because i'm pregnant with a toddler, or if i've been in fairhope so long that i've developed some sort of entitlement, but i will not accept anything less than great customer service. coming from several jobs where i had to bend over backwards to make customers happy, i don't understand management that doesn't enforce the same things with it's customers. it's been proven as the #1 driving force behind customer loyalty. i've written letters, asked for managers, all of that. if i get bad service somewhere, and if for some reason you decide to bag my groceries in plastic before asking me my bag preference, i swear i will pack my shiznay and not come back to your store unless it's carrying a giant attitude. and i might write a letter.
if you see a pregnant woman with a 2 year old up in your store, you better give her good service!!!
2. the mom comparison game. oooooh this one burns me right up. especially the stay-at-home vs working mom comparison. hey! guess what?! i've done both and THEY ARE BOTH HARD. if you are a mom at all--if you have a child under your care, no matter how many, you deserve more than one day of obligated thanks. you've done hard things. you'll do more hard things. and for being such a wonderful country, our government's parent policies just plain suck. we deserve more.
but if you're a working mom, don't you dare make a stay-at-home mom feel like she's got it easy just because she doesn't have to work around her work schedule to meet the demands of her children. stay-at-home moms have no personal schedule because they're always meeting the demands of their children.
and if you're a stay-at-home mom, don't you dare make a working mom feel like she has it easy because she can't give herself to her children 24/7. or because she gets to have adult conversation and real thoughts and eat lunch in peace every day. because she'd trade it in an instant to have more vacation days to spend with her children. to not feel like she's paying someone else to raise her children.
and if you're a work-at-home mom, don't you dare make either of the above feel like somehow they're less because they can't do both. because when you work from home, you're neither fully employed or fully a mom. it's a constant battle and you constantly have to choose between your work and your kids. you hear yourself say "not now, mama's busy" way too many times, and chances are your boss/clients don't understand the days when you have to throw your hands up and accept that no work is getting done that day because your kid will simply not have it.
there's no magical answer. no easy way to be a mom. what all moms need is more mom support. end of story.
rant conclusion
************
part II (since i piece these things together during several different writing sessions):
today i woke up and, for some reason, at nearly 7 months into this, i realized my daughter's days of being an only child are soon ending. they're dwindling. and soon i will say goodbye to my days as a mother of one. i have a very short time to make it count with her.
this time has gone by so fast. partly because, well--she's only two. but also because it just does!
it has made me grateful for the decisions i have made as a parent not to be pressured into anything before i was ready, despite the opinion of others. "the days are long but the years are short." isn't that what they say? so true.
if there's anything i'd say to a first-time mom about parenting, i'd say: no matter how you choose to parent, do it because it's how YOU want to do it. not anyone else around you. consult your significant other before anyone else. parent together. make the decision together. as long as you're agreed, you can discuss the matters with others, but don't bring outsiders (no matter how close you are) into the decision-making process. because, you know what? times are different. situations are different. children are different. YOU are different. do what you think is best. when YOU are ready. how YOU want to do it. (just, for the love of pete, don't break any laws like putting your 10 month old in a forward-facing carseat.)
i'm glad i didn't wean before we were ready, send my daughter packing for the weekend before WE were ready, or do anything else that made me uncomfortable. because in the grand scheme of things, she received nutrition and comfort from me for 22 short months. she spent every night within earshot of us for 2 tiny years. we learned the hard way through night terrors what an off-schedule or overtired baby can get you. so all that schedule worry that people say is crazy, because "it's impossible to keep a baby on a schedule" paid off because we've only had one repeat, and i don't care for any more.
maybe you're the opposite kind of parent, and hey, cool. i'm glad that works for you. i'm glad you found what works. that's all we can ever hope for--something that works in this wild and crazy ride.
now for those that didn't come for unsolicited parenting advice from an unqualified parent of one, here's a few fun current pregnancy facts:
-- cravings: fruit, asian noodle bowls (like pho and real ramen and coconut soup), and fish tacos--this may be because i'm having a summer baby this time and "comfort foods" just make me uncomfortable
-- weight gain: somewhere around 18lbs, but it fluctuates depending on how bad my indigestion is
-- names: we have a few we like (a top 5 list maybe?) and we aren't sharing. sorry. mostly because this all depends on who this baby is and what he or she looks like to us upon arrival! it could all change!
-- still have a belly button
-- i'm now big enough for june to identify the "baby", and she always wants to show it to people bare naked (as if they can't tell through my clothing). i also think she thinks that access to the baby is through my belly button ;) she sometimes digs in it like she wants to open it and peek inside. but to answer a very popular question: no, she's 2, and she doesn't understand that we're having an actual baby so i don't know how she feels about it
-- my fundal height, aka the size of my uterus is right on track (june was the same)
-- baby doesn't kick so much as just do strange movements and bladder punches--i don't feel feet or hands poking out; with june i almost always knew where her feet were, which is funny because even to this day she will dig her feet into the person closest, and always has to have them free
-- my hair and nails don't feel or look as mega-healthy as they did last pregnancy
-- we are not "doing" a nursery and we don't really have colors; we plan to move june from her toddler bed (the convertible crib) to a legit twin bed, and then we plan to room share when the baby is sleeping through the night....assuming june is sleeping through the night then, too (please, please God, please). yes i'm a designer, but i'm also a realist and a minimalist. right now we only need a bassinet since i'm breastfeeding and need baby close for a while.
-- still doing yoga, still love it. i'll probably continue after pregnancy. i think sciatica will probably be the major complaint in all of my pregnancies, especially towards the end, but most sources claim that it will set in sooner on your second pregnancy. mine actually came later, and i credit that to being more active this pregnancy
-- labor is my biggest fear. not the pain, and not the possibilities of emergencies, but just that it will be long and that the staff will be foreign and unsupportive. that i won't be respected as the mother going through the experience of childbirth, and even though baby's safety is priority, i still matter. my wishes still count. i'm working and praying on peace in this matter, but i'm also doing more to prepare this time around. and i'll take your prayers in this arena as well!
that's it! i honestly don't know if i'll make it to another post before baby--this one was worked on in bits and pieces for months. oh, the luxury of time before children!!
so wish us luck and send us prayers for a smooth and quick delivery! the hospital is 25-30min away and i'm staying home much longer with this one so just pray jeremy doesn't have to deliver the baby ;)
Thursday, March 26, 2015
bring on the chaos
5 months pregnant and already this baby is waking me up with all his or her moving around. i don't remember when it was apparent in my pregnancy with june, but we have begun to see movement from the outside. for several weeks the movements have been strong, but i feel like this baby has been so low down in my pelvis that it would be impossible to see--now that baby is bigger and my uterus is past my belly button, we have more of a viewing space.
one night i had just settled into bed and i reached over to grab my chapstick from my nightstand (a very normal, very usual movement that i make) when
"OW!" i cried out. my husband quickly reached over and asked what was wrong. "i don't know! i felt something!"
it felt as if i had leaned over on a stick, or like someone had taken their index finger and jammed me in the side. i also momentarily wondered if i had popped some important ligament thingy.
but no. just a baby. an active, strong-kicking baby.
maybe feeling more movement is typical for a second pregnancy, or maybe because i'm carrying 25 fewer pounds than last time? i don't know. but i definitely don't think june was that active in utero.
but speaking of an active june, we are impatiently waiting out the cold weather. as much as i don't mind pajama days inside with soup and blankets, she's clearly losing her mind. we had a warm snap for a few days over the weekend, and just her being outside was like someone had swapped her out for the cheery little girl i know and love. (we are also getting over the longest, most drawn out household winter crud, so i'm sure that has contributed to her moodiness. coughs, ear infections, and antibiotics are no one's friend.)
other than that, i'm enjoying the age of two, actually. despite being an intelligent toddler, she's been slower than some with her vocabulary. she's very rapidly putting together phrases, and having much more success in copying words. it's just one more thing adding to the amazing fact that she's her own person with her own thoughts. my husband and i find ourselves doing that super annoying parent thing where we go "did you hear that?" or we laugh at her short phrases, which to anyone else would warrant a "yeah, so?" but when you hear it for the first time from your own child's mouth--there's just something so cool about that.
and i discovered through reading the title of a book to her that she can identify a few alphabet letters. (pbs gets all the credit for this because i've certainly not spent time doing anything with the alphabet except sing it when we wash our hands).
there are parts of a growing mind that are fun, but also parts that are incredibly challenging. like my increasing awareness that it takes more than our standard, day-to-day aimless "let's just survive until daddy gets home" to keep her entertained, especially when the outdoors are out of the question. her activity level has to keep up with her brain development, and that's hard.
babies are so easy. you lay them down on a mat, or put them in a bouncy seat with some toys attached and that's their play time for the day. with toddlers you actually have to think and plan and use your own brain.
*SIGH*
i should make it known here that i hate planning and lists and schedules and chore charts and anything remotely related to all that stuff.
but i've reached what i feel like is a very pivotal point in motherhood where i have accepted to be the lord over that which i've been entrusted. (shout out to my friend lindsey who pointed me towards the podcast that led to this--and for those of you who've ever been in a big "what's next?" phase, let me highly recommend the "keeping watch" podcast from passion city church. it wasn't some big life changing message, but it helped me uncover what i knew was there all along, and to be confident in that. does that make any sense at all??) does that mean i beat myself up for a day that was spent mostly watching curious george? or when the house just gets increasingly post-natural disaster-looking? or when i have to tell my child "sorry baby, mama's working right now"? no. but it does mean i take more awareness in that. i'm trying to be a lot more proactive in our days.
and as much as i said above that i hate schedules, i kind of live on one, whether i like it or not. so some days i have to tell myself "it won't kill us to go do {insert activity} just because we didn't plan on it when we woke up." or just because i woke up with little sleep and in a bad mood doesn't mean i can't put that aside and think of a fun activity to do with my girl. i'm the lord over my days. and toddler's pick up on that.
i'll also say here that, despite it's rising popularity, right now we have no plans to home school. honestly the thought scares the living you-know-what out of me. that being said, it's not totally out of the question, either. sometimes i think God gives you scary things to conquer for a reason. but there's also a little thing called wisdom, and i have to be able to decide if putting my children's education in my own hands would be a good idea. ha! but whatever your thoughts on the matter, i've decided that having some sort of educational play is important if you're home with a child. its inevitable. our days are a lot less whine and tantrum-filled when i give her constructive play things. do we go collect and document leaf types and tape them on the wall? do i use the hashtag #montessoriathome? hahahaha. no. usually i just tell her to stuff some pipe cleaners through a colander. or play with a bowl of dry beans. i've even noticed, despite my curious george approval as an ok tv show, that things are more peaceful with the tv off. but i also work from home so some days tv is necessary to distract her for long enough for me to have a complete brain wave that's not revolved around cutting up hotdogs and finding a clean pair of tiny toddler underwear.
anyway, i have no thoughts to wrap this up into a cohesive piece of literature, so i'll just end here.
but with one little piece of encouragement first:
if you're a first time mom of a younger toddler, embrace 2! there is nothing more amazing than watching your child learn. their brain seems to make leaps and bounds at this age. it's fascinating. there will be tantrums, public meltdowns, days where you're sure you won the most points for public stares, days where you tell your husband (or friend, or whoever) with 100% certainty that you need a day off before you run away and never come back, days where you stuff your face with zaxby's in a dark parking lot in silence, just to enjoy an entire meal without someone wanting part of it or needing something 5 times before you get a warm bite.
but it's totally worth it.
(and somewhere out there is a mom of 4 going "she doesn't even know yet!" and you're right. i don't. but you were the mom of only one child once, too. unless you had twins or multiples first. and then you're off the hook. for everything. carry on.)
one night i had just settled into bed and i reached over to grab my chapstick from my nightstand (a very normal, very usual movement that i make) when
"OW!" i cried out. my husband quickly reached over and asked what was wrong. "i don't know! i felt something!"
it felt as if i had leaned over on a stick, or like someone had taken their index finger and jammed me in the side. i also momentarily wondered if i had popped some important ligament thingy.
but no. just a baby. an active, strong-kicking baby.
maybe feeling more movement is typical for a second pregnancy, or maybe because i'm carrying 25 fewer pounds than last time? i don't know. but i definitely don't think june was that active in utero.
but speaking of an active june, we are impatiently waiting out the cold weather. as much as i don't mind pajama days inside with soup and blankets, she's clearly losing her mind. we had a warm snap for a few days over the weekend, and just her being outside was like someone had swapped her out for the cheery little girl i know and love. (we are also getting over the longest, most drawn out household winter crud, so i'm sure that has contributed to her moodiness. coughs, ear infections, and antibiotics are no one's friend.)
other than that, i'm enjoying the age of two, actually. despite being an intelligent toddler, she's been slower than some with her vocabulary. she's very rapidly putting together phrases, and having much more success in copying words. it's just one more thing adding to the amazing fact that she's her own person with her own thoughts. my husband and i find ourselves doing that super annoying parent thing where we go "did you hear that?" or we laugh at her short phrases, which to anyone else would warrant a "yeah, so?" but when you hear it for the first time from your own child's mouth--there's just something so cool about that.
and i discovered through reading the title of a book to her that she can identify a few alphabet letters. (pbs gets all the credit for this because i've certainly not spent time doing anything with the alphabet except sing it when we wash our hands).
there are parts of a growing mind that are fun, but also parts that are incredibly challenging. like my increasing awareness that it takes more than our standard, day-to-day aimless "let's just survive until daddy gets home" to keep her entertained, especially when the outdoors are out of the question. her activity level has to keep up with her brain development, and that's hard.
babies are so easy. you lay them down on a mat, or put them in a bouncy seat with some toys attached and that's their play time for the day. with toddlers you actually have to think and plan and use your own brain.
*SIGH*
i should make it known here that i hate planning and lists and schedules and chore charts and anything remotely related to all that stuff.
but i've reached what i feel like is a very pivotal point in motherhood where i have accepted to be the lord over that which i've been entrusted. (shout out to my friend lindsey who pointed me towards the podcast that led to this--and for those of you who've ever been in a big "what's next?" phase, let me highly recommend the "keeping watch" podcast from passion city church. it wasn't some big life changing message, but it helped me uncover what i knew was there all along, and to be confident in that. does that make any sense at all??) does that mean i beat myself up for a day that was spent mostly watching curious george? or when the house just gets increasingly post-natural disaster-looking? or when i have to tell my child "sorry baby, mama's working right now"? no. but it does mean i take more awareness in that. i'm trying to be a lot more proactive in our days.
and as much as i said above that i hate schedules, i kind of live on one, whether i like it or not. so some days i have to tell myself "it won't kill us to go do {insert activity} just because we didn't plan on it when we woke up." or just because i woke up with little sleep and in a bad mood doesn't mean i can't put that aside and think of a fun activity to do with my girl. i'm the lord over my days. and toddler's pick up on that.
i'll also say here that, despite it's rising popularity, right now we have no plans to home school. honestly the thought scares the living you-know-what out of me. that being said, it's not totally out of the question, either. sometimes i think God gives you scary things to conquer for a reason. but there's also a little thing called wisdom, and i have to be able to decide if putting my children's education in my own hands would be a good idea. ha! but whatever your thoughts on the matter, i've decided that having some sort of educational play is important if you're home with a child. its inevitable. our days are a lot less whine and tantrum-filled when i give her constructive play things. do we go collect and document leaf types and tape them on the wall? do i use the hashtag #montessoriathome? hahahaha. no. usually i just tell her to stuff some pipe cleaners through a colander. or play with a bowl of dry beans. i've even noticed, despite my curious george approval as an ok tv show, that things are more peaceful with the tv off. but i also work from home so some days tv is necessary to distract her for long enough for me to have a complete brain wave that's not revolved around cutting up hotdogs and finding a clean pair of tiny toddler underwear.
anyway, i have no thoughts to wrap this up into a cohesive piece of literature, so i'll just end here.
but with one little piece of encouragement first:
if you're a first time mom of a younger toddler, embrace 2! there is nothing more amazing than watching your child learn. their brain seems to make leaps and bounds at this age. it's fascinating. there will be tantrums, public meltdowns, days where you're sure you won the most points for public stares, days where you tell your husband (or friend, or whoever) with 100% certainty that you need a day off before you run away and never come back, days where you stuff your face with zaxby's in a dark parking lot in silence, just to enjoy an entire meal without someone wanting part of it or needing something 5 times before you get a warm bite.
but it's totally worth it.
(and somewhere out there is a mom of 4 going "she doesn't even know yet!" and you're right. i don't. but you were the mom of only one child once, too. unless you had twins or multiples first. and then you're off the hook. for everything. carry on.)
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
2 years, and half way
in the past week i've celebrated both the half-way mark in my pregnancy, and my daughter's second birthday.
kid birthdays are a strange animal, especially at two. because you know it's really not a big deal to your kid, but just because they don't care doesn't necessarily mean you want to reduce it down to a cookie cake with an open bag of chips and store-bought dip (not that i'm hating on anyone that's done that--in fact, props to you, real moms of the world). the party was very small, very intimate, and really i just enjoyed being able to talk to everyone on the beautiful day that was given to us at the end of january. i must remember that next time before i spend an hour and a half staring at party decorations and walking aimlessly up and down the party aisles at hobby lobby 15 times...
i started to find myself strangely disappointed at the people who didn't show that i always thought would be there. but really, i think it just helped solidify for me that we're in a new stage in life. hanging on to the old one has hindered me from really growing roots here. the more i resist putting down my own intentional roots, the more bitter ones start to grow. and that won't help me feel at home here at all. the small gathering of people that were there: those are the ones that God has given us to usher us into this new phase in life. it's high time i realized that and started being intentional about my relationships here. fairhope will never be pensacola. because they're not the same. and so our life can't be the same. my daughter has spent over half her life here now. and we'll raise our second child here. and probably the third, if/when that happens. this is home.
speaking of babies, around 18 weeks i moved past the "questionable isolated weight gain" phase and into the "it's probably safe to assume she's pregnant phase." i feel much more pregnant-looking this time around. of course, i also started out 25 lbs lighter than with my first, so that might make some of the difference.
just as with my daughter, just about everyone (including me) thinks it's a boy. so that probably means i'll hear my husband cry out "it's a girl!" again. that's just how it works, i suppose :) my midwife told me to trust my "mama gutt" but it led me far astray last time. so i'm leaving it to what it is.
and speaking of gender, people tend to have this notion that gender has to be "balanced" in a family. i've heard so many people say "let's hope it's a boy this time!" i really don't understand that. i'm borderline offended by it. and i know they don't mean it in an offensive way at all, but it insinuates that a girl would be less desirable, because then we'd have 2 girls and that would just be unbalanced. hell, i don't care if i have 4 girls (well, actually i do because when they all reach the tween and teenage years i'll surely go screaming into the night at some point). they'll all be equally wanted and loved. all equally desired. my prenatal yoga instructor (yes i'm doing that now--i've had one class but i absolutely loved it) put it perfectly when talking about her 4 grandsons:
sure, we may have all wanted a girl by that point, but when he was born, it was like "oh, it's you! who else could it be?!"
that is by far the most perfect description of what it's like when your child is born. i think that's why i don't like knowing the gender. i don't want snippets of who my child is. i don't want to assign an "appropriate" gender or personality to this baby before we have a chance to meet him or her. i want that exhausted, exhilarating feeling when they arrive and you meet, 100% in that moment.
"oh, it's you {june}!" not peter, not anthony, not susannah. it's you. who else could you be?
personally, that's how i'll probably always want it to be. i love knowing what other people are having. i love to share in their excitement. but since i've waited once, i'm hooked on that experience.
we do have running lists of names, but, i found out that my most-favored female name has quickly climbed into the top 50 girl names list, so that one's out. process of elimination, i guess! naming is a hard adventure. but i don't know why i worry. we all know this baby will be nameless for a day or so again!
in adventures of pregnancy, things are slowly smoothing out. i still have bad days, usually bad nights because for some reason as soon as my head hits my pillow at night, i get slightly nauseated, sometimes waking in the middle of the night, positive i'm going to throw up (but i don't). but they're fewer and farther between. i have headaches all the time, and they vary in tolerability. a few weeks ago i had one very very terrible migraine along with elevated blood pressure. and once i knew my blood pressure was up, i couldn't sleep that whole night, imagining worst case scenarios: bed rest, early c-sections, etc. but i went in to see my midwife, she gave me a shot and knocked me out for about 20 hours to get in some needed rest and get my blood pressure down low for a while. luckily it was a one time incident and since then (besides minor headaches), i've been fine. i bought a blood pressure monitor and it stays low. so for those that said prayers, thank you!!
{also, i'm convinced that everyone should take sleep vacations, especially when you have kids and you can't remember exactly when you last got a true, full night's sleep--i felt amazing afterwards...for one whole day ;) }
so other than the added exhaustion of keeping up with a 2-year-old, i'm finally feeling normal again. some days i don't even need to take a nap to function past 4pm!
i'm looking forward to finishing out the next 20 weeks smoothly. and i got around to journaling my thoughts sooner than i thought this time, so maybe you'll hear from me again soon! :)
kid birthdays are a strange animal, especially at two. because you know it's really not a big deal to your kid, but just because they don't care doesn't necessarily mean you want to reduce it down to a cookie cake with an open bag of chips and store-bought dip (not that i'm hating on anyone that's done that--in fact, props to you, real moms of the world). the party was very small, very intimate, and really i just enjoyed being able to talk to everyone on the beautiful day that was given to us at the end of january. i must remember that next time before i spend an hour and a half staring at party decorations and walking aimlessly up and down the party aisles at hobby lobby 15 times...
i started to find myself strangely disappointed at the people who didn't show that i always thought would be there. but really, i think it just helped solidify for me that we're in a new stage in life. hanging on to the old one has hindered me from really growing roots here. the more i resist putting down my own intentional roots, the more bitter ones start to grow. and that won't help me feel at home here at all. the small gathering of people that were there: those are the ones that God has given us to usher us into this new phase in life. it's high time i realized that and started being intentional about my relationships here. fairhope will never be pensacola. because they're not the same. and so our life can't be the same. my daughter has spent over half her life here now. and we'll raise our second child here. and probably the third, if/when that happens. this is home.
speaking of babies, around 18 weeks i moved past the "questionable isolated weight gain" phase and into the "it's probably safe to assume she's pregnant phase." i feel much more pregnant-looking this time around. of course, i also started out 25 lbs lighter than with my first, so that might make some of the difference.
just as with my daughter, just about everyone (including me) thinks it's a boy. so that probably means i'll hear my husband cry out "it's a girl!" again. that's just how it works, i suppose :) my midwife told me to trust my "mama gutt" but it led me far astray last time. so i'm leaving it to what it is.
and speaking of gender, people tend to have this notion that gender has to be "balanced" in a family. i've heard so many people say "let's hope it's a boy this time!" i really don't understand that. i'm borderline offended by it. and i know they don't mean it in an offensive way at all, but it insinuates that a girl would be less desirable, because then we'd have 2 girls and that would just be unbalanced. hell, i don't care if i have 4 girls (well, actually i do because when they all reach the tween and teenage years i'll surely go screaming into the night at some point). they'll all be equally wanted and loved. all equally desired. my prenatal yoga instructor (yes i'm doing that now--i've had one class but i absolutely loved it) put it perfectly when talking about her 4 grandsons:
sure, we may have all wanted a girl by that point, but when he was born, it was like "oh, it's you! who else could it be?!"
that is by far the most perfect description of what it's like when your child is born. i think that's why i don't like knowing the gender. i don't want snippets of who my child is. i don't want to assign an "appropriate" gender or personality to this baby before we have a chance to meet him or her. i want that exhausted, exhilarating feeling when they arrive and you meet, 100% in that moment.
"oh, it's you {june}!" not peter, not anthony, not susannah. it's you. who else could you be?
personally, that's how i'll probably always want it to be. i love knowing what other people are having. i love to share in their excitement. but since i've waited once, i'm hooked on that experience.
we do have running lists of names, but, i found out that my most-favored female name has quickly climbed into the top 50 girl names list, so that one's out. process of elimination, i guess! naming is a hard adventure. but i don't know why i worry. we all know this baby will be nameless for a day or so again!
in adventures of pregnancy, things are slowly smoothing out. i still have bad days, usually bad nights because for some reason as soon as my head hits my pillow at night, i get slightly nauseated, sometimes waking in the middle of the night, positive i'm going to throw up (but i don't). but they're fewer and farther between. i have headaches all the time, and they vary in tolerability. a few weeks ago i had one very very terrible migraine along with elevated blood pressure. and once i knew my blood pressure was up, i couldn't sleep that whole night, imagining worst case scenarios: bed rest, early c-sections, etc. but i went in to see my midwife, she gave me a shot and knocked me out for about 20 hours to get in some needed rest and get my blood pressure down low for a while. luckily it was a one time incident and since then (besides minor headaches), i've been fine. i bought a blood pressure monitor and it stays low. so for those that said prayers, thank you!!
{also, i'm convinced that everyone should take sleep vacations, especially when you have kids and you can't remember exactly when you last got a true, full night's sleep--i felt amazing afterwards...for one whole day ;) }
so other than the added exhaustion of keeping up with a 2-year-old, i'm finally feeling normal again. some days i don't even need to take a nap to function past 4pm!
i'm looking forward to finishing out the next 20 weeks smoothly. and i got around to journaling my thoughts sooner than i thought this time, so maybe you'll hear from me again soon! :)
Friday, January 9, 2015
first trimester recap
now, enough with all the seriousness already.
onto the fun stuff!
since i'm already in my second trimester, i decided to jot down a few things about my first trimester (and what feels like is still my first trimester, since not much has changed). and for those of you who like to guess the sex using old wives tales, some of these may help you formulate a guess :)
* i was sick, but not as sick as i was with june. it's been very hit or miss and gradually gotten better. i have fewer days where i feel bad, and it's usually when i overdo it on the amount or content of the food i eat.
* my face looks like a teenager's, i.e. serious acne. that is one thing that has gotten better since the second trimester's arrival. thank goodness!
* my energy is gone. it's never coming back. i'm convinced...ok i'm half kidding, but dang! i'm wiped out. around 15 weeks with june i felt like a new woman. i enjoyed almost everything about pregnancy except for the sciatic nerve pain (which i don't have this time). i'm still waiting on that energy burst. yesterday i laid down for a "cat nap" while my toddler was napping and woke up two hours later (thank goodness for long toddler naps). and i was still ready for bed at 9:00.
* half my life is lived in the following conundrum and internal dialogue:
"mannnn i've gotta pee so bad!"
"i really don't want to move."
"but i have to pee!"
"empty bladder? comfy couch? empty bladder? comfy couch?"...the scales are never balanced
(at night just exchange "couch" for "bed")
* and on that note, i'll add that having a newly potty trained toddler is incredibly easy when you're pregnant. because every time we leave the house, i have to pee as much (if not more) than she does. thus, no forgotten potty breaks.
* on a second semi-related note, i'll also add that the 3-day potty training bootcamp is THE BOMB. long story short, june had been half trained since around 19 months. we also cloth diaper. being half in cloth diapers is worse than being all the way in cloth diapers. and that's saying a lot. (can you tell i really love cloth diapering?) i couldn't bear the thought of dealing with another dirty diaper while i was on the verge of vomiting half the time, so i did some desperate online searching. 3 days later, no diapers. done. bam. it works, people.
* back up to the comfy couch note. how has dealing with a toddler been, you ask? and not just any toddler, but the very active toddler, who, when introduced to the new kids in her once-a-week gym class earned the title of "physical risk taker"...yeah, that one? well, other than the week where i caught a nasty cold that made me feel like death, it's been better than i thought. there aretwo three things i know. 1: my daughter will watch--from start to finish--any charlie brown movie, polar express, narnia, and countless episodes of curious george. 2: all standards i had on child-rearing before becoming pregnant have gone out the window. television has gotten me through most days. and that's all that matters. 3: polar express is actually a good movie, but if you're pregnant, be prepared to totally lose it during the part where santa flies away.
* i'm carrying an ice baby. that's what i call it. ice, ice baby. i'm kidding (kind of). with june i was a flaming torch. hot all the time. i radiated heat from my body. if i was in a predator movie, i would have been dead in no time. this time around, except for the occasional hot flash, i'm always cold. i've slept in a sweatshirt once or twice. in church we have to switch seats seven times before i find one that isn't directly under an air vent funneling the polar vortex to the seats below. it's winter! turn off the a/c!
* i discovered that coffee makes me feel much worse than without. but i remember last pregnancy going through caffeine withdrawals while pregnant and that was AWFUL. so i found a ginger tea (yay for ginger, the nausea fighter--and this one had real ginger, which is really freaking hard to find) that also happens to be pretty caffeinated. and that did the trick for a little while. BUT...it's still not coffee. i can pretend to be a tea drinker and fool no one. i love coffee. i've loved it since i had to stand on a stool to make it (which, at 5'2" probably wasn't all that long ago). so i've discovered that if i make a 1/3 heated milk and 2/3 weak, non-flavored, non-sweetened coffee concoction, that i can handle it. so that's what i do.
* i must be some kind of delusional fool because i signed up for a prenatal yoga class. i'm trying to focus on staying physically active during this pregnancy, for many reasons. first, it helps me feel better. secondly, my midwife swears by it for a quicker labor. and lastly, it's something i've put off for way too long as a general health practice. so, in addition to my walks and at-home exercise, i found a once a month or so class and i'm going to go. and look like a total idiot. fairhope moms walk around like they've all just been to a yoga class. and they probably have. there's 4 studios in a 1 mile radius. i wear yoga pants because that's all that fits me these days. so i've got one foot in the door. ha! not...
* chia seeds. my digestive best friend.
* not finding out the gender has been helpful for evading the "name game." you know the one. where you start favoring this darling little name, you tell it in confidence to someone you think you can trust, and then they drop a bomb like this: "ooooh, yeah. my great aunt was murdered by someone with that name. no. no you can NOT name your baby that." well, thanks. certainly don't want any murderer babies.
so listen up. we're not sharing any names with you. any of you. nothing personal. i just don't think your kindergarten teacher's name has anything to do with our baby. and really, with the way it went with june's naming, i don't trust myself to name a baby before he or she is born. just seeing june's little face, all bright and round and sticking out from her tight little bundle ruled out so many of the names we had considered. she is a "june." it was meant for her. and i couldn't have known that without meeting her first. or if i'm in a bind and feel like being mischievous, i'm going to start making them up:
"ooh what's your favorite girl name so far?"
"well, we haven't decided for sure, but right now 'halo' is in the lead."
* and lastly, i've found a heavenly midwife for my delivery. i had a midwife for my last delivery and...actually, no. no i didn't. because she wasn't there for my delivery. my 30 hour of grueling, strapped to a bed, labor and delivery. i delivered a healthy baby. bottom line. but i was not at all pleased with the staff or progression of events. i stayed sane only because of my support team in the room. this new lady. Y'ALL. she walked in and heavenly light shone down on her. she beams joy, and she told me verbatim "i'm so glad you're choosing the natural route. this is going to be wonderful. this--THIS is why i became a midwife." and i beamed. i confessed that i had such fear about this delivery until i met her. and now i have a total peace about it. and then she beamed.
i'm delivering in a hospital, just like last time. and if there's anything i've learned, it's that delivering naturally at a hospital is near impossible. it's just not something the staff is comfortable with or used to. i don't know what's going to happen this time. i really don't. it probably won't go as planned. but knowing that i have someone who will be there the minute i arrive (and who doesn't keep doctor's hours but is instead on-call 24/7, barring some unfortunate coincidence of sickness or major emergency) and who will fight for all the things i want as the same things she wants--that feels really good.
and this time, i'll know what they really mean until they say "stay home until you can't talk through a contraction." because they mean literally, it is impossible to utter anything except a low groan. ;)
whew. that was really long. and took days to put together. so naturally, expect the same long ramblings at the end of the second trimester :)
onto the fun stuff!
since i'm already in my second trimester, i decided to jot down a few things about my first trimester (and what feels like is still my first trimester, since not much has changed). and for those of you who like to guess the sex using old wives tales, some of these may help you formulate a guess :)
* i was sick, but not as sick as i was with june. it's been very hit or miss and gradually gotten better. i have fewer days where i feel bad, and it's usually when i overdo it on the amount or content of the food i eat.
* my face looks like a teenager's, i.e. serious acne. that is one thing that has gotten better since the second trimester's arrival. thank goodness!
* my energy is gone. it's never coming back. i'm convinced...ok i'm half kidding, but dang! i'm wiped out. around 15 weeks with june i felt like a new woman. i enjoyed almost everything about pregnancy except for the sciatic nerve pain (which i don't have this time). i'm still waiting on that energy burst. yesterday i laid down for a "cat nap" while my toddler was napping and woke up two hours later (thank goodness for long toddler naps). and i was still ready for bed at 9:00.
* half my life is lived in the following conundrum and internal dialogue:
"mannnn i've gotta pee so bad!"
"i really don't want to move."
"but i have to pee!"
"empty bladder? comfy couch? empty bladder? comfy couch?"...the scales are never balanced
(at night just exchange "couch" for "bed")
* and on that note, i'll add that having a newly potty trained toddler is incredibly easy when you're pregnant. because every time we leave the house, i have to pee as much (if not more) than she does. thus, no forgotten potty breaks.
* on a second semi-related note, i'll also add that the 3-day potty training bootcamp is THE BOMB. long story short, june had been half trained since around 19 months. we also cloth diaper. being half in cloth diapers is worse than being all the way in cloth diapers. and that's saying a lot. (can you tell i really love cloth diapering?) i couldn't bear the thought of dealing with another dirty diaper while i was on the verge of vomiting half the time, so i did some desperate online searching. 3 days later, no diapers. done. bam. it works, people.
* back up to the comfy couch note. how has dealing with a toddler been, you ask? and not just any toddler, but the very active toddler, who, when introduced to the new kids in her once-a-week gym class earned the title of "physical risk taker"...yeah, that one? well, other than the week where i caught a nasty cold that made me feel like death, it's been better than i thought. there are
* i'm carrying an ice baby. that's what i call it. ice, ice baby. i'm kidding (kind of). with june i was a flaming torch. hot all the time. i radiated heat from my body. if i was in a predator movie, i would have been dead in no time. this time around, except for the occasional hot flash, i'm always cold. i've slept in a sweatshirt once or twice. in church we have to switch seats seven times before i find one that isn't directly under an air vent funneling the polar vortex to the seats below. it's winter! turn off the a/c!
* i discovered that coffee makes me feel much worse than without. but i remember last pregnancy going through caffeine withdrawals while pregnant and that was AWFUL. so i found a ginger tea (yay for ginger, the nausea fighter--and this one had real ginger, which is really freaking hard to find) that also happens to be pretty caffeinated. and that did the trick for a little while. BUT...it's still not coffee. i can pretend to be a tea drinker and fool no one. i love coffee. i've loved it since i had to stand on a stool to make it (which, at 5'2" probably wasn't all that long ago). so i've discovered that if i make a 1/3 heated milk and 2/3 weak, non-flavored, non-sweetened coffee concoction, that i can handle it. so that's what i do.
* i must be some kind of delusional fool because i signed up for a prenatal yoga class. i'm trying to focus on staying physically active during this pregnancy, for many reasons. first, it helps me feel better. secondly, my midwife swears by it for a quicker labor. and lastly, it's something i've put off for way too long as a general health practice. so, in addition to my walks and at-home exercise, i found a once a month or so class and i'm going to go. and look like a total idiot. fairhope moms walk around like they've all just been to a yoga class. and they probably have. there's 4 studios in a 1 mile radius. i wear yoga pants because that's all that fits me these days. so i've got one foot in the door. ha! not...
* chia seeds. my digestive best friend.
* not finding out the gender has been helpful for evading the "name game." you know the one. where you start favoring this darling little name, you tell it in confidence to someone you think you can trust, and then they drop a bomb like this: "ooooh, yeah. my great aunt was murdered by someone with that name. no. no you can NOT name your baby that." well, thanks. certainly don't want any murderer babies.
so listen up. we're not sharing any names with you. any of you. nothing personal. i just don't think your kindergarten teacher's name has anything to do with our baby. and really, with the way it went with june's naming, i don't trust myself to name a baby before he or she is born. just seeing june's little face, all bright and round and sticking out from her tight little bundle ruled out so many of the names we had considered. she is a "june." it was meant for her. and i couldn't have known that without meeting her first. or if i'm in a bind and feel like being mischievous, i'm going to start making them up:
"ooh what's your favorite girl name so far?"
"well, we haven't decided for sure, but right now 'halo' is in the lead."
* and lastly, i've found a heavenly midwife for my delivery. i had a midwife for my last delivery and...actually, no. no i didn't. because she wasn't there for my delivery. my 30 hour of grueling, strapped to a bed, labor and delivery. i delivered a healthy baby. bottom line. but i was not at all pleased with the staff or progression of events. i stayed sane only because of my support team in the room. this new lady. Y'ALL. she walked in and heavenly light shone down on her. she beams joy, and she told me verbatim "i'm so glad you're choosing the natural route. this is going to be wonderful. this--THIS is why i became a midwife." and i beamed. i confessed that i had such fear about this delivery until i met her. and now i have a total peace about it. and then she beamed.
i'm delivering in a hospital, just like last time. and if there's anything i've learned, it's that delivering naturally at a hospital is near impossible. it's just not something the staff is comfortable with or used to. i don't know what's going to happen this time. i really don't. it probably won't go as planned. but knowing that i have someone who will be there the minute i arrive (and who doesn't keep doctor's hours but is instead on-call 24/7, barring some unfortunate coincidence of sickness or major emergency) and who will fight for all the things i want as the same things she wants--that feels really good.
and this time, i'll know what they really mean until they say "stay home until you can't talk through a contraction." because they mean literally, it is impossible to utter anything except a low groan. ;)
whew. that was really long. and took days to put together. so naturally, expect the same long ramblings at the end of the second trimester :)
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
16 weeks, round 2
in case you missed it, i recently announced my pregnancy with our second child.
i'm about 16 weeks pregnant and a couple of nights ago i felt our baby move for the first time. i felt a little "bump, bump" which--like most things these days--i assumed was just gas. until i pressed on the spot where i felt said bump and it promptly bumped me back! gas doesn't bump back. that's a baby!
now it feels so much more real, and i realize how silly it was to have treated my pregnancy the way i have for the past several weeks.
so let me backtrack to the moment i knew i was pregnant:
we had been on a long vacation and i was "late." nothing unusual. i started to think maybe i was pregnant, but i told myself i'd continue enjoying our vacation until i really worried about it.
then we got home, and one of the first things i did was to go out to our backyard and check on our veggie garden. this poor garden...it got bit by a late cold snap, and then flooded (multiple times), and it had been in sad shape all summer. but still we tended to it, watered it, pulled weeds, plucked off caterpillars, pruned, and pampered. we got a few sad tomatoes, some tiny peppers, and a whole bunch of basil and rosemary, which is hard to kill.
i walked over to our garden and was sure someone had played a cruel joke on us. we had DOZENS of tomatoes. from 3 to over 3 DOZEN. in ten days with no watering, no tending to. weeks later we would count 72 tomatoes.
it was then i knew. God spoke to me in that moment and said "you are entering a season of fruitfulness." my heart raced. i called to my husband. we sat there, counting tomatoes in awe. not long after that i told him to go to walmart and get a pregnancy test, which sure enough confirmed our pregnancy.
my reaction (and continued reaction) was far short of elation. here's a few reasons why:
1. my daughter has proved to be a challenging toddler. not that she's bad or defiant or anything like that, but she's high energy. curious. independent. fearless. she keeps me on my feet. the one comment i get from people that far outweighs any other is how "active" she is. i wondered how i was going to make it through another first trimester like the one i had with her all while chasing her around. in fact, my husband and i had just, only days before, agreed that we would be totally fine not actually "trying" to get pregnant until she was around 4, that way she would be in school and out of the house most of the day while i raised a second baby. did we have a "plan"? not really. but we were comfortable with how things were before we knew i was pregnant.
2. i asked my husband a few days later: "what does this mean for me? am i entering a season of non-stop motherhood? because i don't know if i'm ok with that." what i mean by that is, i've still worked part-time from home while raising june. not a lot. some days i don't work at all, and some days i have to cram a lot into one day to finish up a project. it's certainly not easy, but it keeps me sane. it keeps me from feeling like i'm "just a mom." as much as i can justify that being a mom is the absolute hardest job, it still feels unimportant to me personally, in my position. i know that's not true--not in the slightest, but i have a hard time convincing myself of that. i've struggled with that a LOT.
3. --and here's the big one-- i worried way too much about what announcing this pregnancy would mean to others. there are more women than i can count, many i know personally, who have experienced trouble and heartache with pregnancy and fertility. it's a borrowed hurt and fear i've held onto with no justification whatsoever. here are these hurting, struggling women who want nothing more than a healthy pregnancy, and apparently my husband can look at me the right way and i get pregnant. with two "happy accident" pregnancies, it's obviously not an area we struggle with. there's no way that i could tell these people that i was pregnant and hide the anxiety i was facing. that would be totally unfair to them. and i had a lot of guilt about that.
then my husband reminded me of where i sat 4 years ago and the uncertainty i faced with my own fertility. i had forgotten. i once sat and listened to a doctor tell me "i want you to come in next time and be pregnant" because it was fairly possible that i had a condition that could jeopardize my ability to bear children in the future.
now, while i don't (and didn't) take to heart the presumptuous diagnosis of one man (even though it cost me my insurance coverage for a while--now that i'm still peeved about), my husband reminded me that i had every right to be thankful for this pregnancy. the same right as anyone else. not only due to personal circumstance, but because the bible clearly states that children are a gift. any gift from God should be held in high regard and put us in a state of gratitude.
not only did this ring true, but it made me realize that i had been unrightfully anxious over this pregnancy. i don't know if i had even once until that point (several weeks in) stopped and thanked God for this gift. and for this season.
one of my strongest christian mentors once explained to me the meaning and importance of accepting seasons, and it has stuck with me so strongly since then. but sometimes i forget. i forget to realize the season i am, accept it, and be grateful for it--no matter the high or low. i've had incredibly low seasons that brought me the closest in my relationship with God.
we face struggles that others don't. we are strangers to the seasons others are in. some seasons of others we can't even begin to understand. and some of ours may be totally foreign to others. it's not our job to compare seasons. it's our job to recognize them and remember what it was like to be in the lows, and what we might have overlooked in the highs.
we are allowed to rejoice in fruitful, good seasons. we don't have to be hush-hush just because someone else can't find it in their season to share in our rejoicing. that's fine. but we can be sensitive to them, and we can remember what it was like in low seasons. we can be a system of support and prayer.
so whatever this new child brings into our lives, i am excited about it. i can say that with truth at this point. i am glad i was able to see past the silly fears i had that were totally unwarranted. i can only imagine God's frustration with me! to give such a gift and then for me to act like i did.
it is a gift. it is wonderful. and i accept it gladly and with gratitude.
over christmas, my sister invited me to a musical performance some friends of hers put on at their home and invite their friends and church members to be a part of. this family--y'all. there are eight kids. EIGHT. and each one of them brings an integral part into the family. they are close. they are loved. when i met the parents of these children and saw how friendly and joyful they were, i knew it could all be ok. i knew that mom probably had days where she locked herself in the bathroom just so she could cry alone. i knew she probably had nights when as soon as her husband was home she got in the car without any explanation and drove off just to sit in silence somewhere. i knew she had days where she probably thought she couldn't do it anymore. i knew she probably lost her cool and regretted it. and yet, there she sat, long past the toddler days, watching her children come together and put together a performance to bless their friends and family. the pride she must have felt. the overwhelming gratitude.
i can be a mom like that. i can. i don't have to have it all together. i don't have to act sane on days when i'm not. i know, that just as he has with only one kid, God will give me just what i need to get me through, even if that's the wisdom to call someone and tell them i need help (which i've done...although probably not enough!)...no matter how many happy accidents we have :)
on my birthday, my husband and i even had a conversation about having "more kids than the average family." what?! crazy people! someone out there has to take it upon themselves to remind me that i said this when i'm pregnant with my fourth child and crying in a corner.
(i'd like to stop here a minute and say that there's this publix commercial that airs around thanksgiving, and it highlights all of the things that can go wrong at a family holiday gathering. but at the root of it all are very full and very happy homes. full and happy homes--that must be the envy of every mother...or maybe just pregnant mothers. i don't know. all i know is i saw that commercial, internally wept like a child, and told my husband "we're going to publix--right now-- to buy all the things! right now!" do not bring up this commercial around me. i will cry. i'm pregnant! it's the hormones! it's natural!)
we are thankful for all your congratulations and well wishes and prayers. and know that if it's just not your season to be joyful with us, then i understand. i've been there, too.
i'll be documenting this pregnancy on my blog, just as i did with the last. because all my children deserved to be celebrated. (i just hope i make it around to blogging as much as i did last time!)
until, next time friends. i'm sure you can't wait to read all about my pregnancy acne ;)
i'm about 16 weeks pregnant and a couple of nights ago i felt our baby move for the first time. i felt a little "bump, bump" which--like most things these days--i assumed was just gas. until i pressed on the spot where i felt said bump and it promptly bumped me back! gas doesn't bump back. that's a baby!
now it feels so much more real, and i realize how silly it was to have treated my pregnancy the way i have for the past several weeks.
so let me backtrack to the moment i knew i was pregnant:
we had been on a long vacation and i was "late." nothing unusual. i started to think maybe i was pregnant, but i told myself i'd continue enjoying our vacation until i really worried about it.
then we got home, and one of the first things i did was to go out to our backyard and check on our veggie garden. this poor garden...it got bit by a late cold snap, and then flooded (multiple times), and it had been in sad shape all summer. but still we tended to it, watered it, pulled weeds, plucked off caterpillars, pruned, and pampered. we got a few sad tomatoes, some tiny peppers, and a whole bunch of basil and rosemary, which is hard to kill.
i walked over to our garden and was sure someone had played a cruel joke on us. we had DOZENS of tomatoes. from 3 to over 3 DOZEN. in ten days with no watering, no tending to. weeks later we would count 72 tomatoes.
it was then i knew. God spoke to me in that moment and said "you are entering a season of fruitfulness." my heart raced. i called to my husband. we sat there, counting tomatoes in awe. not long after that i told him to go to walmart and get a pregnancy test, which sure enough confirmed our pregnancy.
my reaction (and continued reaction) was far short of elation. here's a few reasons why:
1. my daughter has proved to be a challenging toddler. not that she's bad or defiant or anything like that, but she's high energy. curious. independent. fearless. she keeps me on my feet. the one comment i get from people that far outweighs any other is how "active" she is. i wondered how i was going to make it through another first trimester like the one i had with her all while chasing her around. in fact, my husband and i had just, only days before, agreed that we would be totally fine not actually "trying" to get pregnant until she was around 4, that way she would be in school and out of the house most of the day while i raised a second baby. did we have a "plan"? not really. but we were comfortable with how things were before we knew i was pregnant.
2. i asked my husband a few days later: "what does this mean for me? am i entering a season of non-stop motherhood? because i don't know if i'm ok with that." what i mean by that is, i've still worked part-time from home while raising june. not a lot. some days i don't work at all, and some days i have to cram a lot into one day to finish up a project. it's certainly not easy, but it keeps me sane. it keeps me from feeling like i'm "just a mom." as much as i can justify that being a mom is the absolute hardest job, it still feels unimportant to me personally, in my position. i know that's not true--not in the slightest, but i have a hard time convincing myself of that. i've struggled with that a LOT.
3. --and here's the big one-- i worried way too much about what announcing this pregnancy would mean to others. there are more women than i can count, many i know personally, who have experienced trouble and heartache with pregnancy and fertility. it's a borrowed hurt and fear i've held onto with no justification whatsoever. here are these hurting, struggling women who want nothing more than a healthy pregnancy, and apparently my husband can look at me the right way and i get pregnant. with two "happy accident" pregnancies, it's obviously not an area we struggle with. there's no way that i could tell these people that i was pregnant and hide the anxiety i was facing. that would be totally unfair to them. and i had a lot of guilt about that.
then my husband reminded me of where i sat 4 years ago and the uncertainty i faced with my own fertility. i had forgotten. i once sat and listened to a doctor tell me "i want you to come in next time and be pregnant" because it was fairly possible that i had a condition that could jeopardize my ability to bear children in the future.
now, while i don't (and didn't) take to heart the presumptuous diagnosis of one man (even though it cost me my insurance coverage for a while--now that i'm still peeved about), my husband reminded me that i had every right to be thankful for this pregnancy. the same right as anyone else. not only due to personal circumstance, but because the bible clearly states that children are a gift. any gift from God should be held in high regard and put us in a state of gratitude.
not only did this ring true, but it made me realize that i had been unrightfully anxious over this pregnancy. i don't know if i had even once until that point (several weeks in) stopped and thanked God for this gift. and for this season.
one of my strongest christian mentors once explained to me the meaning and importance of accepting seasons, and it has stuck with me so strongly since then. but sometimes i forget. i forget to realize the season i am, accept it, and be grateful for it--no matter the high or low. i've had incredibly low seasons that brought me the closest in my relationship with God.
we face struggles that others don't. we are strangers to the seasons others are in. some seasons of others we can't even begin to understand. and some of ours may be totally foreign to others. it's not our job to compare seasons. it's our job to recognize them and remember what it was like to be in the lows, and what we might have overlooked in the highs.
we are allowed to rejoice in fruitful, good seasons. we don't have to be hush-hush just because someone else can't find it in their season to share in our rejoicing. that's fine. but we can be sensitive to them, and we can remember what it was like in low seasons. we can be a system of support and prayer.
so whatever this new child brings into our lives, i am excited about it. i can say that with truth at this point. i am glad i was able to see past the silly fears i had that were totally unwarranted. i can only imagine God's frustration with me! to give such a gift and then for me to act like i did.
it is a gift. it is wonderful. and i accept it gladly and with gratitude.
over christmas, my sister invited me to a musical performance some friends of hers put on at their home and invite their friends and church members to be a part of. this family--y'all. there are eight kids. EIGHT. and each one of them brings an integral part into the family. they are close. they are loved. when i met the parents of these children and saw how friendly and joyful they were, i knew it could all be ok. i knew that mom probably had days where she locked herself in the bathroom just so she could cry alone. i knew she probably had nights when as soon as her husband was home she got in the car without any explanation and drove off just to sit in silence somewhere. i knew she had days where she probably thought she couldn't do it anymore. i knew she probably lost her cool and regretted it. and yet, there she sat, long past the toddler days, watching her children come together and put together a performance to bless their friends and family. the pride she must have felt. the overwhelming gratitude.
i can be a mom like that. i can. i don't have to have it all together. i don't have to act sane on days when i'm not. i know, that just as he has with only one kid, God will give me just what i need to get me through, even if that's the wisdom to call someone and tell them i need help (which i've done...although probably not enough!)...no matter how many happy accidents we have :)
on my birthday, my husband and i even had a conversation about having "more kids than the average family." what?! crazy people! someone out there has to take it upon themselves to remind me that i said this when i'm pregnant with my fourth child and crying in a corner.
(i'd like to stop here a minute and say that there's this publix commercial that airs around thanksgiving, and it highlights all of the things that can go wrong at a family holiday gathering. but at the root of it all are very full and very happy homes. full and happy homes--that must be the envy of every mother...or maybe just pregnant mothers. i don't know. all i know is i saw that commercial, internally wept like a child, and told my husband "we're going to publix--right now-- to buy all the things! right now!" do not bring up this commercial around me. i will cry. i'm pregnant! it's the hormones! it's natural!)
we are thankful for all your congratulations and well wishes and prayers. and know that if it's just not your season to be joyful with us, then i understand. i've been there, too.
i'll be documenting this pregnancy on my blog, just as i did with the last. because all my children deserved to be celebrated. (i just hope i make it around to blogging as much as i did last time!)
until, next time friends. i'm sure you can't wait to read all about my pregnancy acne ;)
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
lost at sea
i don't know that i can accurately put into words what i've been feeling over the past several weeks.
it's been oncoming in waves and i feel like each time, the swells are bigger and longer. i feel...
like a foreigner...
in my new town. in my old city. in my body. in my mind.
in who i was. and am.
like i am no longer the person i used to be. upon first realizing this, i thought: simple enough. i'll just start being the person i used to be.
i don't think that's even possible. i don't think anyone can just put themselves in reverse and be who they once were. your mind has changed, your circumstances have changed. everything has changed.
have you ever read the book the awakening by kate chopin? i read it in college in an english lit course. that book, professor, and whole class (which i took during a summer mini-mester to get out of the way) ended up impacting me more than i ever expected. without giving away too much, the book is about a woman--whom married with kids--has sort of a life crisis in which she begins to feel trapped by her life. in short, she acts out, trying to become more true to herself in an effort to hold onto what she knows to be 100% of herself, and no one else. for some reason, i was completely and totally sucked into that book. i loved it so much that i begged the professor to allow me to write my final paper on the awakening instead of the assigned book. she was a little shocked at my request (i don't think that happens very often), but she allowed it. and i got a 100 on the paper.
it always puzzled me as to why i connected to that book so much--i was just a college student. perhaps because i was on my own journey at the time. but now i feel like--without even reading it again--i'm connecting to it all over again. it sits on a bookshelf in my garage collecting dust, and i keep thinking about edna. and i know how that book ends. feeling an even stronger connection to her now makes me afraid of where all these feelings are taking me. not to say i feel the pull to the things she did (at all). that's certainly not it. but what selfish mistakes am i at risk for making? what will happen to my family if i allow my mind to wander to those places?
i hope i can find the kind of company here that does not judge me for what i'm about to say. hopefully you know me well enough to know that one of my highest values in life is family time. but...
being a mom can rob you of your identity.
don't lie to me and tell me it doesn't. everywhere i go i am a mother. it doesn't matter in what company or setting. i recently went to a work reunion party of sorts at an architecture and design firm where i was employed for a while. everyone knows that we had a kid, and that i'm home with her. and that's the only thing they could find to talk to me about. it didn't matter that i told them i still do design work and that i take freelance jobs from home. i might as well have not said anything about that at all. i felt like the person i used to be was forgotten. i felt like if i was still her i would be more interesting. have more to say. more people to listen.
and you can say what you will about that. perhaps it's the nostalgia in people that see my little toddler running around and part of their past wants to reach out to my present and relive the days when their older children were small. and i can appreciate that. it makes me hopeful even, that one day i'll look back on these days and cherish them.
don't mistake this as regret. i wouldn't trade it. someone would have to teach me how to breathe again if i lost my husband and child.
but every now and again i start to feel lost. an ache for the freedom of 21 year old me. even 25 year old me. the identity i used to have is somehow belittled down into something else--placed into some box, lumped into some sum, and shuffled together like a stack of papers where you're not you anymore. you're just one among the many. insignificant. unappreciated. forgotten.
have you felt it, too?
i once had talents and esteems. i was known for things, praised for things, valued for this and sought after for that. and then something happened--i am still all of those things, but somehow everyone seems to have forgotten (well, most people anyway). do you know what it feels like to be good at something?
several times in the past and present i've tried resurrecting those talents, only for them to end in total and complete failure. i still feel like me. and i see the old me. and it feels like the me now is an impostor of the me i used to be. and nobody sees. nobody cares. nobody wants to know the me i used to be.
so i called out "why, God? why have you allowed me drift into this nothingness? how did i get into this place? why is it so different? why is it so hard? what am i called for if not for this?? why are you giving me dreams that end in failure?"
silence.
i don't think he liked that question.
so i thought to myself about what was so different about back then, except for that i wasn't married with a kid. and sure that's a big difference. but maybe, after my kid is asleep, maybe for those that don't know i'm a mom i can still be that person? why is that so hard? what is so different about who i am.
and the answer:
back then, i didn't have God.
not that he wasn't there. not that, he didn't even give me dreams or a path then. he probably did. but for different reason.
but, see now....now i've opened that door of communication. most of the time i like to close it again. and then, of course, open it only when i have something to ask.
this past sunday at church, my pastor spit out a phrase that might have well been the end of his sermon. because i stopped listening after that.
THEY WANT A SAVIOR NOT A LORD!
daggers. daggers straight in my stomach.
that has been me. that has been me this whole damn time. (sorry for that, there. i try and keep it clean but sometimes there's no other word that works)
see, there was a long phase in my life where i needed people, and then things, and then people, and then God to lean on. i had to take care of myself and fill my life with dreams and goals, or else there were other things that had the potential to ruin me. now i have a family. a husband and a child who need me. and a world out there that God has given me a glimpse into so that with no clean conscience could i just live the life of a self-absorbed young adult. for the most part my identity lies within them.
perhaps...perhaps the talents and esteems of old me are dying because they need to. maybe they're dying because life is springing up elsewhere. and if maybe, i could find some way to let go and not worry about making sure the old me has left a legacy so that people don't forget my old talents...
then just maybe i can leave the place where i learned to crawl, and then walk, and then run...
so that he can put me somewhere else to learn and crawl again.
perhaps my identity lies in who GOD wants me to be, and not who i used to be. because my life before him--no matter how far i stray (and trust me it has been far)--was life without him. period. why would i want to return to godless? any desires i have for that old life are selfish ambition and pride rising up from a dark place within me that doubts God's good will and LORDship over my life.
at this point i don't know where that new place might be, because i am still wrestling with letting go.
i still feel like i'm lost and floating, asking God to show me the way, but deep within knowing he can't take me anywhere without me first letting go.
people throw around that "let go and let God" thing so much. a great reminder, sure, but a task only few can master. i wish people would stop saying it unless they've actually done it. we are worldly, we are tempted, we are disobedient, emotion-driven, pleasure-seeking, and peer-pleasing. the only way to have a chance at overcoming that is to have a LORD--not just a savior. not a dictator, not a slave-driver, not a rule-setter; a loving, hand-in-hand, gets down and fights for us kind of God, who puts us where he does because he sees what we don't, and knows what we never will.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews 4:15-16
it is that confidence i lack and ache for. so often when we begin to feel overcome and shameful of our wanderings, we do not approach the throne at all. just as adam and eve hid from God in the garden. oh to have confidence! even in one thing. the most important thing. because if there's one sea i want to be floating in, it's a sea of mercy and grace--not this one.
if you're out there floating like i am, don't be discouraged, friends.
i am thankful for all of you who can read this and know that it is only with complete honesty and transparency that i bring these words to a page out there for anyone to read. because in real life, it's not my nature to just sit down with someone and say "let me tell you of my struggles" because i know people have their own. but what in this world are we if we don't support each other? the support of a friend is all that matters, even if they can offer no advice.
you'll get no pretending from me--no high horse to sit on, no problem-free sunny world.
we've all been there.
please private message me if you ever need to get something off your shoulders but feel you would be judged if you were honest. one thing i can do is listen non-judgmentally.
and one thing i'll always be is honest about where i've been.
it's been oncoming in waves and i feel like each time, the swells are bigger and longer. i feel...
like a foreigner...
in my new town. in my old city. in my body. in my mind.
in who i was. and am.
like i am no longer the person i used to be. upon first realizing this, i thought: simple enough. i'll just start being the person i used to be.
i don't think that's even possible. i don't think anyone can just put themselves in reverse and be who they once were. your mind has changed, your circumstances have changed. everything has changed.
have you ever read the book the awakening by kate chopin? i read it in college in an english lit course. that book, professor, and whole class (which i took during a summer mini-mester to get out of the way) ended up impacting me more than i ever expected. without giving away too much, the book is about a woman--whom married with kids--has sort of a life crisis in which she begins to feel trapped by her life. in short, she acts out, trying to become more true to herself in an effort to hold onto what she knows to be 100% of herself, and no one else. for some reason, i was completely and totally sucked into that book. i loved it so much that i begged the professor to allow me to write my final paper on the awakening instead of the assigned book. she was a little shocked at my request (i don't think that happens very often), but she allowed it. and i got a 100 on the paper.
it always puzzled me as to why i connected to that book so much--i was just a college student. perhaps because i was on my own journey at the time. but now i feel like--without even reading it again--i'm connecting to it all over again. it sits on a bookshelf in my garage collecting dust, and i keep thinking about edna. and i know how that book ends. feeling an even stronger connection to her now makes me afraid of where all these feelings are taking me. not to say i feel the pull to the things she did (at all). that's certainly not it. but what selfish mistakes am i at risk for making? what will happen to my family if i allow my mind to wander to those places?
i hope i can find the kind of company here that does not judge me for what i'm about to say. hopefully you know me well enough to know that one of my highest values in life is family time. but...
being a mom can rob you of your identity.
don't lie to me and tell me it doesn't. everywhere i go i am a mother. it doesn't matter in what company or setting. i recently went to a work reunion party of sorts at an architecture and design firm where i was employed for a while. everyone knows that we had a kid, and that i'm home with her. and that's the only thing they could find to talk to me about. it didn't matter that i told them i still do design work and that i take freelance jobs from home. i might as well have not said anything about that at all. i felt like the person i used to be was forgotten. i felt like if i was still her i would be more interesting. have more to say. more people to listen.
and you can say what you will about that. perhaps it's the nostalgia in people that see my little toddler running around and part of their past wants to reach out to my present and relive the days when their older children were small. and i can appreciate that. it makes me hopeful even, that one day i'll look back on these days and cherish them.
don't mistake this as regret. i wouldn't trade it. someone would have to teach me how to breathe again if i lost my husband and child.
but every now and again i start to feel lost. an ache for the freedom of 21 year old me. even 25 year old me. the identity i used to have is somehow belittled down into something else--placed into some box, lumped into some sum, and shuffled together like a stack of papers where you're not you anymore. you're just one among the many. insignificant. unappreciated. forgotten.
have you felt it, too?
i once had talents and esteems. i was known for things, praised for things, valued for this and sought after for that. and then something happened--i am still all of those things, but somehow everyone seems to have forgotten (well, most people anyway). do you know what it feels like to be good at something?
several times in the past and present i've tried resurrecting those talents, only for them to end in total and complete failure. i still feel like me. and i see the old me. and it feels like the me now is an impostor of the me i used to be. and nobody sees. nobody cares. nobody wants to know the me i used to be.
so i called out "why, God? why have you allowed me drift into this nothingness? how did i get into this place? why is it so different? why is it so hard? what am i called for if not for this?? why are you giving me dreams that end in failure?"
silence.
i don't think he liked that question.
so i thought to myself about what was so different about back then, except for that i wasn't married with a kid. and sure that's a big difference. but maybe, after my kid is asleep, maybe for those that don't know i'm a mom i can still be that person? why is that so hard? what is so different about who i am.
and the answer:
back then, i didn't have God.
not that he wasn't there. not that, he didn't even give me dreams or a path then. he probably did. but for different reason.
but, see now....now i've opened that door of communication. most of the time i like to close it again. and then, of course, open it only when i have something to ask.
this past sunday at church, my pastor spit out a phrase that might have well been the end of his sermon. because i stopped listening after that.
THEY WANT A SAVIOR NOT A LORD!
daggers. daggers straight in my stomach.
that has been me. that has been me this whole damn time. (sorry for that, there. i try and keep it clean but sometimes there's no other word that works)
see, there was a long phase in my life where i needed people, and then things, and then people, and then God to lean on. i had to take care of myself and fill my life with dreams and goals, or else there were other things that had the potential to ruin me. now i have a family. a husband and a child who need me. and a world out there that God has given me a glimpse into so that with no clean conscience could i just live the life of a self-absorbed young adult. for the most part my identity lies within them.
perhaps...perhaps the talents and esteems of old me are dying because they need to. maybe they're dying because life is springing up elsewhere. and if maybe, i could find some way to let go and not worry about making sure the old me has left a legacy so that people don't forget my old talents...
then just maybe i can leave the place where i learned to crawl, and then walk, and then run...
so that he can put me somewhere else to learn and crawl again.
perhaps my identity lies in who GOD wants me to be, and not who i used to be. because my life before him--no matter how far i stray (and trust me it has been far)--was life without him. period. why would i want to return to godless? any desires i have for that old life are selfish ambition and pride rising up from a dark place within me that doubts God's good will and LORDship over my life.
at this point i don't know where that new place might be, because i am still wrestling with letting go.
i still feel like i'm lost and floating, asking God to show me the way, but deep within knowing he can't take me anywhere without me first letting go.
people throw around that "let go and let God" thing so much. a great reminder, sure, but a task only few can master. i wish people would stop saying it unless they've actually done it. we are worldly, we are tempted, we are disobedient, emotion-driven, pleasure-seeking, and peer-pleasing. the only way to have a chance at overcoming that is to have a LORD--not just a savior. not a dictator, not a slave-driver, not a rule-setter; a loving, hand-in-hand, gets down and fights for us kind of God, who puts us where he does because he sees what we don't, and knows what we never will.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. 16 Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. -Hebrews 4:15-16
it is that confidence i lack and ache for. so often when we begin to feel overcome and shameful of our wanderings, we do not approach the throne at all. just as adam and eve hid from God in the garden. oh to have confidence! even in one thing. the most important thing. because if there's one sea i want to be floating in, it's a sea of mercy and grace--not this one.
if you're out there floating like i am, don't be discouraged, friends.
i am thankful for all of you who can read this and know that it is only with complete honesty and transparency that i bring these words to a page out there for anyone to read. because in real life, it's not my nature to just sit down with someone and say "let me tell you of my struggles" because i know people have their own. but what in this world are we if we don't support each other? the support of a friend is all that matters, even if they can offer no advice.
you'll get no pretending from me--no high horse to sit on, no problem-free sunny world.
we've all been there.
please private message me if you ever need to get something off your shoulders but feel you would be judged if you were honest. one thing i can do is listen non-judgmentally.
and one thing i'll always be is honest about where i've been.
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