16 weeks, round 2

in case you missed it, i recently announced my pregnancy with our second child.

i'm about 16 weeks pregnant and a couple of nights ago i felt our baby move for the first time. i felt a little "bump, bump" which--like most things these days--i assumed was just gas. until i pressed on the spot where i felt said bump and it promptly bumped me back! gas doesn't bump back. that's a baby!

now it feels so much more real, and i realize how silly it was to have treated my pregnancy the way i have for the past several weeks.

so let me backtrack to the moment i knew i was pregnant:

we had been on a long vacation and i was "late." nothing unusual. i started to think maybe i was pregnant, but i told myself i'd continue enjoying our vacation until i really worried about it.

then we got home, and one of the first things i did was to go out to our backyard and check on our veggie garden. this poor garden...it got bit by a late cold snap, and then flooded (multiple times), and it had been in sad shape all summer. but still we tended to it, watered it, pulled weeds, plucked off caterpillars, pruned, and pampered. we got a few sad tomatoes, some tiny peppers, and a whole bunch of basil and rosemary, which is hard to kill.

i walked over to our garden and was sure someone had played a cruel joke on us. we had DOZENS of tomatoes. from 3 to over 3 DOZEN. in ten days with no watering, no tending to. weeks later we would count 72 tomatoes.

it was then i knew. God spoke to me in that moment and said "you are entering a season of fruitfulness." my heart raced. i called to my husband. we sat there, counting tomatoes in awe. not long after that i told him to go to walmart and get a pregnancy test, which sure enough confirmed our pregnancy.

my reaction (and continued reaction) was far short of elation. here's a few reasons why:

1. my daughter has proved to be a challenging toddler. not that she's bad or defiant or anything like that, but she's high energy. curious. independent. fearless. she keeps me on my feet. the one comment i get from people that far outweighs any other is how "active" she is. i wondered how i was going to make it through another first trimester like the one i had with her all while chasing her around. in fact, my husband and i had just, only days before, agreed that we would be totally fine not actually "trying" to get pregnant until she was around 4, that way she would be in school and out of the house most of the day while i raised a second baby. did we have a "plan"? not really. but we were comfortable with how things were before we knew i was pregnant.

2. i asked my husband a few days later: "what does this mean for me? am i entering a season of non-stop motherhood? because i don't know if i'm ok with that." what i mean by that is, i've still worked part-time from home while raising june. not a lot. some days i don't work at all, and some days i have to cram a lot into one day to finish up a project. it's certainly not easy, but it keeps me sane. it keeps me from feeling like i'm "just a mom." as much as i can justify that being a mom is the absolute hardest job, it still feels unimportant to me personally, in my position. i know that's not true--not in the slightest, but i have a hard time convincing myself of that. i've struggled with that a LOT.

3. --and here's the big one-- i worried way too much about what announcing this pregnancy would mean to others. there are more women than i can count, many i know personally, who have experienced trouble and heartache with pregnancy and fertility. it's a borrowed hurt and fear i've held onto with no justification whatsoever. here are these hurting, struggling women who want nothing more than a healthy pregnancy, and apparently my husband can look at me the right way and i get pregnant. with two "happy accident" pregnancies, it's obviously not an area we struggle with. there's no way that i could tell these people that i was pregnant and hide the anxiety i was facing. that would be totally unfair to them. and i had a lot of guilt about that.

then my husband reminded me of where i sat 4 years ago and the uncertainty i faced with my own fertility. i had forgotten. i once sat and listened to a doctor tell me "i want you to come in next time and be pregnant" because it was fairly possible that i had a condition that could jeopardize my ability to bear children in the future.

now, while i don't (and didn't) take to heart the presumptuous diagnosis of one man (even though it cost me my insurance coverage for a while--now that i'm still peeved about), my husband reminded me that i had every right to be thankful for this pregnancy. the same right as anyone else. not only due to personal circumstance, but because the bible clearly states that children are a gift. any gift from God should be held in high regard and put us in a state of gratitude.

not only did this ring true, but it made me realize that i had been unrightfully anxious over this pregnancy. i don't know if i had even once until that point (several weeks in) stopped and thanked God for this gift. and for this season.

one of my strongest christian mentors once explained to me the meaning and importance of accepting seasons, and it has stuck with me so strongly since then. but sometimes i forget. i forget to realize the season i am, accept it, and be grateful for it--no matter the high or low. i've had incredibly low seasons that brought me the closest in my relationship with God.

we face struggles that others don't. we are strangers to the seasons others are in. some seasons of others we can't even begin to understand. and some of ours may be totally foreign to others. it's not our job to compare seasons. it's our job to recognize them and remember what it was like to be in the lows, and what we might have overlooked in the highs.

we are allowed to rejoice in fruitful, good seasons. we don't have to be hush-hush just because someone else can't find it in their season to share in our rejoicing. that's fine. but we can be sensitive to them, and we can remember what it was like in low seasons. we can be a system of support and prayer.

so whatever this new child brings into our lives, i am excited about it. i can say that with truth at this point. i am glad i was able to see past the silly fears i had that were totally unwarranted. i can only imagine God's frustration with me! to give such a gift and then for me to act like i did.

it is a gift. it is wonderful. and i accept it gladly and with gratitude.

over christmas, my sister invited me to a musical performance some friends of hers put on at their home and invite their friends and church members to be a part of. this family--y'all. there are eight kids. EIGHT. and each one of them brings an integral part into the family. they are close. they are loved. when i met the parents of these children and saw how friendly and joyful they were, i knew it could all be ok. i knew that mom probably had days where she locked herself in the bathroom just so she could cry alone. i knew she probably had nights when as soon as her husband was home she got in the car without any explanation and drove off just to sit in silence somewhere. i knew she had days where she probably thought she couldn't do it anymore. i knew she probably lost her cool and regretted it. and yet, there she sat, long past the toddler days, watching her children come together and put together a performance to bless their friends and family. the pride she must have felt. the overwhelming gratitude.

i can be a mom like that. i can. i don't have to have it all together. i don't have to act sane on days when i'm not. i know, that just as he has with only one kid, God will give me just what i need to get me through, even if that's the wisdom to call someone and tell them i need help (which i've done...although probably not enough!)...no matter how many happy accidents we have :)

on my birthday, my husband and i even had a conversation about having "more kids than the average family." what?! crazy people! someone out there has to take it upon themselves to remind me that i said this when i'm pregnant with my fourth child and crying in a corner.

(i'd like to stop here a minute and say that there's this publix commercial that airs around thanksgiving, and it highlights all of the things that can go wrong at a family holiday gathering. but at the root of it all are very full and very happy homes. full and happy homes--that must be the envy of every mother...or maybe just pregnant mothers. i don't know. all i know is i saw that commercial, internally wept like a child, and told my husband "we're going to publix--right now-- to buy all the things! right now!" do not bring up this commercial around me. i will cry. i'm pregnant! it's the hormones! it's natural!)

we are thankful for all your congratulations and well wishes and prayers. and know that if it's just not your season to be joyful with us, then i understand. i've been there, too.

i'll be documenting this pregnancy on my blog, just as i did with the last. because all my children deserved to be celebrated. (i just hope i make it around to blogging as much as i did last time!)

until, next time friends. i'm sure you can't wait to read all about my pregnancy acne ;)