an update of sorts

well. there are no updates on the bathroom. mostly it's just empty minus the stripped shower, the toilet, and the washer/dryer. it smells funny, too.

but, it's the least of my worries, currently. want to know why?

we're having a baby!


and we are thrilled! i meant to start a scrapbook of sorts to journal the stages of pregnancy, but that hasn't happened so far (i'm a little over 11 weeks today) for multiple reasons: first of fear. secondly, pregnancy is exhausting--i mostly work and sleep...and try to eat. and also i suppose i just don't realize how quickly this will pass. i will never be pregnant for the first time ever again. 


so here is where i start. but first a recap:


i knew before i peed on the thing that i was pregnant. the way my husband and i found out was not exciting or magical. it actually happened surrounding a big fight. i (like a girl) decided to drop hints about pregnancy just to feel him out. and he (like a guy) made an insensitive remark, and i (like a girl) peed on the thing, and left it on the kitchen table for him to find when he got home. and after we fought and then made up, we got to share in our excitement and he got to tell me how sweaty his palms had been. maybe if i'd been a little more direct and he'd been a little less thick-skulled, we could have watch the very dark "you're preggo" line appear on the stick together. oh well! it's over and now we're just excited.


no, we did not plan our pregnancy. yes, we wanted to wait. we've been married a little over 8 months, we're broke, we don't own our house, we don't have a 4 door car, we don't have stable or well-paying jobs, and we live far from my family (an hour from his though, thank goodness). and the fact that we're newlyweds just compounds all of that (if you're married, you know). 


but, obviously this was planned by God, even if it wasn't planned by us. and even in our fear we are overwhelmed by the support and excitement of our friends. we are accepting the blessing and trying to move forward with some sort of confidence that this will be a major source of joy in our life.


and let me tell you something--no amount of planning can prepare you for the very real emotion of knowing you're responsible for a life. all the other times i've thought i might have been pregnant were wide-eyed and childlike in excitement. but when i actually knew--when i actually felt it in my body--a wave of emotion overcame by body. as i've repeated many times, i remember standing numb in the shower one morning, not able to think any rational thought except for "this is real. it's really happening." 


after that, the first emotion i was able to put together was a shocked sort of gratitude. as a twenty-something female, i am very aware of the fact that it is not always easy to get pregnant. in fact, at my last doctor's visit, my doctor told me that i had a very high chance of having endometriosis and that pregnancy was my best option--not only to slow the process, but to have children while i still could. well, we followed doctor's orders i guess! but i never thought getting pregnant would be so easy. i never thought, that with all the waiting and...well...frankly, having to work very hard for the things want in life, that getting a child would be something God would just hand over to me unexpectedly. i feel undeserving and greatly humbled.


but onto the nitty gritty.


how have i felt? ok. very very tired. sick to my stomach a lot (only threw up once though). early on i really liked french fries. and i totally get the pickles and ice cream thing. not together (ew), but something about the vinegar in pickles eases digestion (which i'm learning is very important in pregnancy), and ice cream just sounds good because it's cold. things i never thought i could hate, like macaroni and cheese, baked potatoes, and coffee--all sound disgusting. coffee smells like old dirt. and i don't even want to think about eggs. i eat multigrain cheerios almost every morning. with blueberries. sweets and fatty foods make me the most ill. i can eat peanut butter all the time, but pb&j's are not a good idea.


about 2 weeks ago i noticed the lower part of my stomach feeling hard. like it did when i exercised a lot and it wasn't as mushy down there! just this past week (so around 10 weeks), i started not fitting in my pants. it happened so fast! one day they fit, the next they didn't. i can still button most, but it's very uncomfortable. i've invested in belly bands, and stretchy waist-band pants. this past weekend my mom came and bought me a lot of maternity clothes. shopping for maternity clothing is not nearly exciting as you'd think. i know the "big" part of me will be my belly, but putting on giant clothes so that i can grow  into them is almost like buying clothes 4 sizes too big and trying to imagine yourself fitting in them. not easy.


this week the nausea has gotten significantly better, but i haven't gotten over just not wanting to eat anything in general. deciding on dinner is not an easy task. if i can convince myself to sit down and eat a well balanced meal, i usually feel better afterwards. i also can't eat as much as i normally could (which was an embarrassing amount--italians have an extra stomach for carbs). i'm probably learning proper portion sizes. 


i've lost 4 lbs so far, but i hear this is not uncommon in the first trimester. once i feel like eating again i should be on track for my weight gain. and just in the past few days my face has started breaking out like a teenager.


and at 11 weeks my baby is the size of a fig! he/she has fingernails and eyelids and can kick and move his/her individual fingers and toes. my mama says when i first start to feel the movements it's like a butterfly in your stomach.


OH, also. my instinct tells me it's a boy, but pregnancy hormones have been known to be irrational, so who knows. i've also, nearly immediately after pregnancy, have had an immense burden on my heart for how much hatred there is in the world. it's very clear that we have 2 jobs while on earth: to love God and love people. and most of us can't even do that. and christians are in the rankings as some of the worst. so many times we rearrange that equation until somehow it equals "love God and love people who share the same beliefs as you." i don't know how to explain to my child how such a simple command is so easily ignored. i can't even log onto facebook without being disgusted at how people can treat each other. i don't know if the weight is preparing me to be a parent in the world we've created, or if somehow this will be a burden my child will also bear. because honestly, until now, it's never really occurred to me, not in such a heavy heart-breaking way. and because of this reason, if our child is a boy, we have the perfect name for him, that arrived to me one emotional morning in panera. i'll share that later on, since everyone that asks seems to have an opinion on how appropriate a certain name is or isn't. sorry--you don't. it's up to me and my husband. and yes, now i totally understand why some parents don't share their name choices until the baby is born and named. 


if there is one thing i want my children to learn while growing up, it's that nothing gives us any excuse not to show love towards other people. no matter what they've done or how they live. against my human nature, i want to do my best not to talk about people in a negative way in front of my children that would cause them to have a negative disposition towards someone different from them. and i'm a firm believer that you're a far better teacher by your actions than what you say you believe. and hopefully by showing them that we still love them even when they screw up, somehow they can understand that God does the same with all of humanity. and that he asks the same of us. easier said than done, that's for dang sure, but we can at least try. as one of my old pastors said, "oh, christianity isn't deep enough for you? you want deep? love your enemy. that's deep!"


and as of now we're not finding out the sex if we can help it. as a family friend put it "there are far too few good surprises left in life." i don't think our baby will care if he/she is wearing the appropriate gender color. but as i've heard, digital imaging is pretty detailed these days so let's hope baby keeps his/her legs together enough not to spoil it for us :)


so here's where we are at week 11. moving onward. hoping God continues to prepare us for the immense task of raising a child in this life. 

demo update

one day and a one-man crew at a time, our bathroom is becoming a semi-usable laundry space. and even still i have to pick pieces of drywall out of the washer before i put a load in. 

these are some photo updates, thanks to my wonderful camera phone

the wall that once separated the bathroom from the linen closet

a close-up of the giant cast-iron pipe in that once-wall that i suppose is going to cause a pretty big lack of options in our space planning

the once-was closet and stack of re-usable wood trim

header above the bathroom doorway, which should be coming down in order to create a more open space. at least, that's what i think is going on so far. i think the plan has changed 10 times, and will continue to change when we uncover things like gigantic unmovable pipes. even if the placement of everything stays exactly where it is, at least it will be getting a facelift!

and in other news, i claimed this beauty (one of a pair of beautiful white marble table lamps) on our last shipment of lamps when it came in at work. i can see them across the showroom from my "desk." even though i got them for a ridiculously low price, i'm waiting for a fat paycheck to bring them home. aren't they great?! perfect for my white/gray/navy bedroom

the new normal

four years ago i moved to pensacola. since then my life has been a constant series of adjustments. at first i hated this place, but now i've adjusted. now it is my home. i'm rooting for the underdog. 

to a certain degree there are many choices we can take that determine our outcome in life, but in the grand scheme of things, we are not even near to being in total control. as proverbs states: a man can plan his course, but the Lord directs his steps. i realize this pretty frequently, perhaps more than most, and at this point i've realized that it's better not to fight it and just adjust. to some it may come across as apathy, but really, i'd just like to avoid anymore worrying than i already do. there's no need to worry about where i'll end up, or when i'm supposed to have kids. God will figure it out. and eventually i'll say "ok, you win. let's see where this adventure takes me."

i'm always discovering my new normal. this is my new normal:

-being a florida resident

-marriage. and all the stuff no one ever told you about it

-a partially demolished master bath

-wondering what in the world my degree means, or if it means anything at all

-retail work schedule

-weekday afternoons at the beach (under a big hat, and usually with a coverup on unless i'm taking a dip because i'm pale and i detest putting on sunscreen)

-working with a bunch of women that are my mom's age...and loving it

-not knowing what my paycheck will be

-(due to the above) days when i am thankful to have a landlord who will hold our rent check for a few days

-the "i wasn't even drunk last night" hangover

-thinking the auburn (or insert football team here) cheerleaders look like babies

-friends with babies. so, so many babies

-being at least 3-6 hours from your family

-realizing that 3-6 hours is a lot further than you thought

whatever it is, or whatever normal looks like for you, it's never what we thought it would be, is it? normal is constantly being redefined. and i'm ok with that. 

what is your new normal?

tiny setback

earlier, when i said the master bath was an early addition, i didn't know how early "early" was. but now i know it was a really early addition. because there are cast iron pipes below this bad boy. meaning the toilet must stay where it is, unless we want to embark on a big nasty (and much costlier) renovation.

back to the drawing boards...

the plan

this is what our bathroom should look like when all is said and done. or something close to this. 

the washer/dryer is staying where it is, along with the wall that separates it slightly from the rest of the space. i really had to use my noggin on this space planning. it's a tough space. 

this was such a successful plan because it gives us plenty of room to move around, a nice big shower, and it doesn't compromise my closet space, which is being moved to the other side of the washer/dryer. in fact, my closet is actually bigger (yay!). nothing will be blocked from natural light, so it will definitely feel less cave-like.

i'm excited! there's still more demo to be done, finishes to be selected, etc. but we're making progress.

an excerpt

i kept a journal through my semester in italy. sometimes i see my journal and flip to a random page and re-live the adventures of that day. i am so glad they made us journal. if it weren't for that book, some of the things i would never have remembered. here is one out of an entry that i read today, from 5 june 2007:

we got back on the bus just in time to miss a downpour. the rain in italy is like nothing else. you look out toward the mountains and you can locate the storm and see the rain coming down in blankets, sometimes so thick you can barely see what's behind it. and the contrast of the dark blue-gray against the golden and green fields makes make want to lay in a field and just stare up until it pours, watching the sheets of water slowly and gracefully move my way. what a great bus ride back!


dark gray-blue against golds and greens....if it weren't for that passage, i never would have remembered what summer rains look like in italy. that book is such a treasure.

remodel phase one: the demo

so we live in an old house. a rental. after months of realty let-downs, we found this charmer in south east hill, a few blocks from the bay (read back a few entries and you'll catch up). i am in love with it. we've always known that we wanted to buy an old house, and that when that time came, we'd be doing some remodels. but never did we think it would happen so soon. 

side note: when i say "we" i really mean "me" because if i had no say in the matter we'd already be in some new construction boresville house. but since i do have a say i pretty much don't settle for anything newer than 75 years old. i want something that's seen things, survived hurricanes, and has character. i want a house with a story. and this one is approaching 100 years, if it was built around the same time as our next door neighbors' bungalow. i'd say it's got a few stories.

our master bath was an add-on, and judging by the floors, probably an old add-on. it's awkward and small and plain. we knew there was some sort of small leak around the shower, but as renters we decided not to worry about it too much. well. that was until the day my high-heel punched through the vinyl tile all the way until it hit subfloor. the hubs sent a message to our landlord, and told him he'd be investigating. yesterday i get this picture in a text that said "oh and the master bath is inoperable for a while." 

 

"investigating" was an understatement. upon showing this to the landlord they came to the decision that the whole area needed an overhaul. needless to say i'm both excited and anxious. excited for pretty and new. anxious because my clothes are crammed in the guest closet and strewn on it's bed, my shoe collection is in a pile on it's floor, and because who knows if we'll discover deeper issues.

join us, won't you? i've always wanted to have a remodeling blog. be careful what you wish for folks. that's all i'm saying. 

so since i have no "before" pics, i had to improvise with what was left after today's sheet rock tear down. bear with me. because i also took these on my phone.

there are no doors that separate the space from our bedroom. we have curtains. when you walk through the curtains you walk into the laundry "area." to the left are some large windows and to the right is a linen closet, as shown.

 across from the linen closet is what used to be my closet. the shelves are knocked out and the left wall is now nothing but studs, exposing the plumbing wall to the shower. that spot below the mirror is where the sink was.

here's a front-on shot of the shower. super awesome fiberglass insert with just about enough room to spin around with your arms at your side.

and directly across from the shower is the toilet alcove.

and here's a shot of the scene of the crime. the floor directly in front of the shower. what you're looking at (anthropologically) is vinyl tile, then tar paper, then plywood, then the original wood flooring, then subfloor. we're considering carbon dating.

the whole area (laundry plus closets plus bath) is about 8x10, or 80 square feet, give or take (but probably take). what are the plans? well. knock down some walls. create space for a larger shower by eliminating one closet, making it more user-firendly, and tiling the floor and shower. i'm hoping to see something period appropriate, but it's not my money. although my landlord does have good taste, so i think it will look nice, whatever the outcome. 

i'm working up some floor plans to show him so we can come up with something really efficient. there are also plans to remove the layers of cat hair from the exhaust fan (previous owners--i do not have a cat). 

so here we go. no turning back now! stay tuned for more.