to see truth

i have not, in the past year or so, been an exemplary christian. i haven't even been a good one. while i can say it's because of this reason or that, i've had to face some very harsh truths lately.

i don't think i reached a point where i stopped believing in God. there are things in this world that connect you to our creator whether you seek him or not, like giving birth, digging in the dirt, watching water rhythmically slap onto sand. or watching your friends walk unimaginably hard roads only to see their faith deepen. that could only happen in a world where God exists.

but then there are things that exist in this world that are evident of a complete godlessness. not by the non-existence of God in the world, but the non-existence of God in people. from the off-hand comment of a lady climbing into her mercedes in the target parking lot, to the news that comes out of mobile, alabama and the surrounding areas night after night, and the good-intentioned facebook videos that call our attention to the evils of the world. i don't know if i'm broken or if i have godlessness in me, but when i see those things, it doesn't sound like a call to action. it only breaks my heart. and each time that happens it heals with more hardness.

so here i've been, left in this limbo of good versus bad, and what that means for my purpose here on earth. do i have one? am i just drifting by? am i deaf to God's voice? is He angry with me? sad? hopeless?

people say that when they have a child, it is the closest they've ever come to feeling God-like love. and while that was true of the first few mindless weeks after having my daughter, it quickly faded. as my love for her grew, so did my fear of the world.

i am no stranger to tragedy, not unlike many of you. my father died suddenly when i was 18. and even though his death brought about a strange peace to my world, it from then on made me acutely aware of tragedy in the world. it opened my heart to fear.

i was not angry with God when my father died. in fact, i'd say i understood him more. it was the first time i really understand that there was a great orchestrated existence of life on earth, and i understood what it meant to know that God was all-seeing. kind of like me saying "ok, i see you seeing me, and i know you're up to something."

so when my daughter was born and my love for her grew into something i didn't know i was capable of feeling, i didn't think "wow, and God loves me even more than this!" instead i felt small, and lost, and vulnerable. i don't understand a love bigger than that. and because i love my daughter, i want to protect her from the godlessness in people's hearts for as long as she lives and as long as i am able. and therefore, surely, God would want to protect us from bad things, too, right? but bad things still happen. they happen all the time.

the first night i spent with our infant daughter in our home, i lay awake in bed while she and my husband slept beside me and i cried while wondering what kinds of tragedy lay before us. when others are faced with tragedy and hardship i always pray "Lord, give them a beautiful testimony from this," and that's what i want to pray for our family. sometimes i utter the phrase painfully and fearfully, all the while really just begging God to spare us of tragedy. i sometimes think "people have made it through to the end of their lives without tragedy--it happens all the time, so it can happen to us." but then i think, i don't really know the whole truth of people's lives. just like most people don't know the whole truth of mine. you never know what tragedies people have seen.

some days i think i am making it past this fear. just as i have gone on to continue a beautiful life after tragedy, so i could do it again, if faced with it. and other days, i find myself in shameful distrust of God, the same shame felt by adam and eve when they failed to trust God in the garden. the more we distrust God, and the more we try and do it ourselves, the more open to sin we become, thus creating our own tragedy. i'll say it again:

the more we distrust God, and the more we try and do it ourselves, the more open to sin we become, thus creating our own tragedy. 

don't hear me wrong: tragedy is not always our own fault. the truest, scariest forms of tragedy are no one's fault at all. and i truly believe God carried me through my tragedy when he wasn't even as big as an afterthought in my life. so then why is it so hard to know he wouldn't do it again?

trusting God is by far and without a doubt the most terrifyingly difficult thing to do. especially when it comes to our own lives. i watch God carry people through dark days all the time. and i watch as people grow in faith and trust for God and i am in awe. complete awe.

in the midst of the protective hardness i have created in my heart lies a core that deeply distrusts human nature even more. when i try and shift the blame from myself for my distance with God, that blame always falls on people. "this church abandoned us when we were struggling, that church hurt my friends, that lady ignored me when i was new, those people judge me based on my looks, these people are hypocrites, that person is the worst christian i have ever witnessed..."

but lately, God has used people to remind me of who He is. people have reminded me to see truth.

while i have seen sin first in the world, i am reminded that goodness exists in people. goodness that comes from loving. and trusting. and worshiping. and believing in a God that loves. and a God that saves. and a God that heals.

a God that shines out of the ugliness of a godless world, through the hearts of God-filled people.

on my darkest days, when i am tempted to return to a godless lifestyle, i witness people being more beautiful than i ever thought possible. it is then that i know i could never truly turn my heart from God. because i may carry hurts and fears and ugliness in my heart. but i also carry God. a light brighter than any darkness. and i know He is still working on me even when i give up. i can rebuild walls a thousand times. but a thousand and one times he will knock them down.

to my friends (i hope you know who you are): i love you and i am eternally grateful that you chose God to remind me of why i did the same