this is life

my daughter is coming up on 10 months. she scoots, she does this weird crab crawl, she pulls up, cruises from chair to ottoman to sofa, and reaches things i am not prepared for her to reach. she gives me kisses, understands "no" and we've entered the testy waters of discipline.

the hours when she is awake are full of constant movement (on both our parts). if i sit down to work on something, not five minutes goes by before i have to go see where she is or what she's almost swallowing or which dog she is pestering. getting things done is much more difficult than i was prepared for them to be. last week was particularly busy and i found myself staying up well past her bedtime in order to get work done (cursing that i can't just learn to say "no" when offered a paying job...but hey, money talks).

today--because my weekend was so jam-packed and we had no time to go get groceries--i decided to eat lunch out before heading to the store to stock up for the week. much easier said than done. my 5th percentile baby is still too small for a high chair, even though she's more than able to use one. her little legs slide in and out and the straps don't fit tight enough to contain her when she decides she'd rather stand or kneel in the high chair. and then there's the constant battle between giving her a toy that she'll drop on the dirty floor a hundred times, or risking a melt-down if she has nothing to play with. so out she comes, onto my lap, while i try to keep her grubby little paws away from my food. in between my own bites i give her tiny little bites of black beans to keep her satisfied. but the black beans are so irresistibly good (and an almost 10 month old doesn't understand that there's anyone to feed besides herself), that she cries out in impatience between bites. it became so loud that i began to fear the patience of other patrons and gave her a stern "shh!" face and told her "no, no--if you want some you can be patient and tell me 'more', ok?" signaling the baby sign language move for "more." well, the people-pleaser in her that she got from her mother was upset at the reprimand, and then she began crying, with her wails bouncing off the concrete floor and unfinished industrial hangings of the ceiling. people stared. the kinder people said "aww" as i tried to console her as quickly as possible with another bite of black beans.

"this is life," i thought. never again can i just have just a simple, peaceful lunch by myself. it will be this way for a long time.

and then i noticed a woman--professionally dressed and not much younger than myself--eating lunch by herself and i began to think about the days when i could take lunch breaks on my own. when i had the opportunity to wear nice clothes that weren't covered in boogers, and put on makeup, and do my hair. and she seemed to notice me in a similar way. she seemed sweet, probably someone i would like. she kept smiling at june, even when she was rowdy.

and then i remembered who i was when i was in her place. i remember the days of my pregnancy when all i did was work, to the point of exhaustion. i wondered how that life would fit into my life as a mom, and if there would ever be balance. when she was born, and i started back to work, every day i sped to the daycare to find her as the last baby of the night, in the arms of the daycare worker while they were turning out the lights and cleaning up. i was already the mom i swore i wouldn't be. and then, through ways that i would have never seen, God orchestrated the perfect balance for me. now, almost every day i am home with my little girl. and because He knew i would go insane without some sort of creative outlet, he has created the opportunity to work from home, doing things that i enjoy. it's not a lot, it's never easy, and there's not a day that goes by when i don't wonder if i should go get a full time job again. but then i couldn't bear putting her back in daycare after the joy of being home with her. so we adjust.

i always wanted to work from home. and until today i used to think that when that wish was granted, God chuckled and called me a fool. because Lord knows i've felt like one. there are days when i want to run screaming into the night. but now i know He didn't answer that prayer in laughter. He answered it in love, with an outpouring of blessing, because He sees what i normally don't see.

i looked back at the woman smiling at us, and i smiled back. because when i was her, i wanted to be who i am today. i am the person i always envied. i get to have lunch. on a monday. with my daughter. this is life. it doesn't get any better than this.