6 months, round 2 -- my lament on lost sleep

i sat down to write this post and before i got to it noticed i had an overwhelming number of reads on louisa's birth story. just this week i even had a friend of a friend who i had only just met tell me she read it and loved it. i'm so glad that her arrival into this world has shown people a beautiful encounter with birth!

so anyway, i start re-visiting that post i made so many months ago and i noticed a distinct pattern repeat of the days leading up to her birth and where we are now.

i've had so many assumptions about her--when she would be born, how she would be as a baby, and even though in some ways i have correct intuition, she surprises me more and more every day. the snippet in her birth post where i go into being overdue with her, anxious for her to come out, where everyone is telling me all the tricks in the book to kick me into labor, without any of them ever working...let's just say that sounds very familiar!

to preface where i'm about to take this blog, i'll just say (and i give you permission to hate me) that my first child was a great sleeper as a baby. she slept 8 hours straight at 8 weeks and kept on going. she had only a few "regressions" that were very minor. one at 11 months and another right before 2. she's not been a great sleeper ever since she reached about 14-15 months, but it's been manageable. on a bad week she wakes up crying most nights and we have to console her in whatever way. she doesn't do well off schedule or with little sleep and is prone to night terrors. all of this...MINOR in comparison to the present case.

i honestly don't know if i really bought into the fact that most babies don't sleep as well as june did. i thought they all could, but somewhere along the way, someone did something wrong and that's why their kid wasn't sleeping. or in some cases maybe it was illness related, and in more rare cases due to the very uncommon nature of the child. the ignorance under which i formed this opinion is shameful.

i deeply and sincerely apologize to anyone i have passed judgement on. i've learned my lesson and then some.

naturally, i assumed that we would have another baby sleeping though the night--or at least long stretches--by no later than 6 months. {here is where i insert a laugh or sarcastic remark or lament, but i can no more organize my emotions in writing than i can in person, so i will not attempt}

louisa came into the world, sweet and snuggly. the easiest infant you could ask for. i nursed her, burped her, played with her a bit, and then put her down for a nap and she would drift off for a while. my adjustment to bringing her home was a breeze. i didn't have the baby blues i had with june and having nursed a newborn before, the emotional roller coaster that learning to nurse a baby brings (because if you've done it you know it doesn't come naturally) was a distant memory. we were in sync, she was always happy, and by 2 months she was sleeping 5-6 hours at night. at one point a couple weeks into it, i remember sitting up at night googling colic because i wondered if she could still bring us unforeseen challenges. she did. but not in ways i would have guessed.

around 3 1/2 months she began waking every 3-4 hours again at night and was fighting naps tooth and nail. she would sleep for only 45 minutes at time at most. this pattern continued and as time went on she started adding in night wakings even when she wasn't hungry. at some point in all this, i had a few suggestions to move her from our bedside/bed (each night was kind of a blur of nursing her in bed and scooting her back into the bassinet half awake) to her crib. "she won't smell you so she won't wake up as much." "my baby started sleeping through the night a month after we moved him." the list went on. success story after success story. so about a month or so ago we moved her to her crib. naps first. then bedtime. total. and complete. disaster. she hated it. but in the name of consistency we stuck to it.

"give it time" they all said.

nope. wasn't happening.

in the last several weeks--because i had reached my limit physically and mentally--i started sending my husband in after her for some wakings when i knew she wasn't hungry. but because she has a healthy set of lungs on her, there's nowhere in our house you can go and not hear her cry. so then we were both awake for hours every night. in fact, i think the last time i slept more than 3 hours in a row was when she was 12 weeks. and now she's almost 6 months. you do the math. 3 hours in a row is a good night these days.

before i turn this into a pity party on how much sleep we're not getting, i have to give God due praise and credit. because, really, i should be more tired than i am. we should be dragging by the end of the day. but somehow, with coffee and prayer, we make it through only feeling a minimal amount of tired.

what sucks the most about sleep deprivation is not the physical effects; its the emotional roller coaster you are stuck on. the lingering mental fog. the obsession with sleep and schedules. i am trapped in a desperate need for my brain and soul to rest.

i forget simple tasks. i have forgotten two important days at june's preschool (i'm sure her teachers think i either don't care or am a total flake). my friendships are kind of floating at sea. i can't keep my house in order. our refrigerator is always empty. i do still enjoy cooking but most days i simply don't feel like it. that or the complete chaos of a baby that goes to bed at 7 and a toddler that goes to bed at 8 is so daunting that the whirlwind of bedtime routines scares me out of creating any sort of meal that requires enjoyment. eat it fast and move on.

i feel like i'm missing christmas with my almost-3-year-old, who is old enough now to really enjoy the season. i resent that we can't spend more time doing christmas-y stuff. i resent that i have to "shush" her so many times a day because the thought of her waking the baby puts me on pins and needles. i've screamed at my dogs for barking and waking her. i'm in a place where i just want to move on and be done.

i have a photo of june at the same age of louisa. the caption reads "best 5 months of my life." i feel sad and guilty that i can't say the same now. i feel like i'm missing louisa's baby time. it's not enough that you forget most of it anyway. i don't remember the specifics of loving this age when june was a baby--i just know she was so much fun. i don't want to look back on the fog of this time with louisa and only remember that she didn't sleep. i feel guilty for wishing this time away. every time someone tells me "these are the best years" it stings. they must not see my tired eyes and my weary soul.

and if that's not bad enough, the barrage of "helpful advice" you get when your baby is not sleeping is enough to put you in a mental institution. really. i've heard it all. i've DONE it all. i've questioned it all. i've revisited it all. i've read the research and the pros and cons of different sleep training methods. i've posted questions on mom forums. sleep forums.

and yet, each piece of advice is given to you as if it's the magic cure all. i appreciate any of you who have offered up advice--i really do. i know you're only trying to help. but when a baby doesn't sleep, she just doesn't sleep. adjusting my thermostat 3 degrees isn't going to magically help her doze off all night. there have been harsher methods suggested to me and gentle ones. old fashioned, and new science. they either flat out don't work, or don't work for our family. and they just leave me in more frustration.

i'm in a constant yo-yo between telling myself it's just going to take time, and then reaching a new limit and telling myself there has GOT to be some cure for this. the mind games i've created for myself are exhausting.

and worst of all are the judgements of character. i don't know what's worse--insulting my parenting styles--as if somehow, when i'm rocking a crying baby at 2 am, i don't wonder if i'm doing something wrong, someone thinks it's helpful or wise to suggest that somehow i'm to blame for this...

OR

suggesting that its in her character. that she's "difficult" or that she's going to cause me trouble. i resent that just as much as i resent the people that hoped she was a boy for the sake of "even teams" at home.

as much mental insanity as all this has caused me, as many stages as i've gone through emotionally (much like grief--including anger, at myself, at God, at others, even at my baby), somehow deep down in there i know this is only a season and i know that i am being fiercely and strongly molded right now.

i want sleep FAR more than i wanted her to be born on time, but i find myself in the same situation. where i just have to block everyone out, wade through my emotions, and let God present me with the door to walk through. when he showed me that door with her birth, i was fearful, but i walked on and came out the other side with a more beautiful birth story than i ever could have imagined.

right now i don't know if we are walking towards the door. i know we're walking towards a door. i know we're doing something new and i am believing that it will work. if it doesn't...well...honestly i don't want to think about it. so i won't even go there for the sake of my sanity...what's left of it. at this point i don't care when she sleeps through the night, but if we can get those seemingly pointless wakings under control, so that i can get a blissful 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep...well that would just be heaven.

she even has a cold right now that's kind of pushing her back a little in progress but i don't mind. i'm believing we will make it out of this so a minor setback hasn't dampened my spirits too much (but then again they're still drying out so...)

i've had many MANY moments in this journey where i've told people i just don't understand. like many trials, i don't understand what the purpose of this one is, and probably won't until it's long over. my husband and i agree it's one of the hardest things we've done. to you who read that last sentence with doubt or even chuckled to yourself, trust me when i say WE'VE DONE HARD THINGS. and this. THIS IS HARD.

what will the result be? what sort of help might i be to others in this situation? what kind of friend will i be to new mothers? how much better of a parent will i be? i don't know. but these are the things that drive me on days when i have to leave my screaming baby in a room alone because i just can't do it anymore.

for such a common complaint in the first months (or even the first year...or even beyond!) of post partum life, i never knew just how deep it could get. i hope to never forget this place i'm in. i hope to move on from it. and quickly! but i don't want to forget.

i know one thing--i will not look past the tired eyes of another mom again. because it's not all the same. there are varying degrees of sleeplessness. i had it easy the first go-round. i had no right to complain. but i also unfairly shrugged off other moms' complaints because i saw them as equal to my experience. i bet if for every time someone asked that mom how her baby was sleeping, that they also asked that mom how SHE was doing, maybe she wouldn't feel so sewn into the identity of her sleepless baby. maybe she could get past the obsession of her baby's sleep by knowing she had people that cared about her. maybe if someone told her she was doing a great job instead of telling her what she was or wasn't doing that was causing her baby to be wakeful...

i'm just saying. i know from experience.

{and for the record i have had some really great unbiased support, so if you've been that for me, i am so grateful. you've listened to me go on about my frustrations in the same clothes i wore to bed or the day before (or both) without make up or washed hair. you've joined me on this walk while i let out my frustrations and didn't offer up a quick fix and just said "yeah girl, it sucks, but you've got this" letting me feel just a little bit human for the moment. you've checked in on me via text, given me grace, and believed in the good nature of my baby despite her hatred of sleep. golden. you are golden.}

weary mom out there. up all night mom out there. sleeping in parking lots mom out there. crying while your baby cries mom out there. i see you. i've stood where you stand. i'm standing where you stand. and we will make it through. stronger. better. one day you will be driving to soccer games or attending school plays or helping her apply for college and you will say to yourself "it seems like yesterday she was a baby--shoo! that baby did NOT sleep!" and you'll roll your eyes and shake your head and puff out a tiny sigh of exhaustion still trapped inside from long ago and smile a little. because you made it.

oh, louisa. louisa rae. graceful warrior. we must have done this to ourselves when we named you! {you can laugh now--that was satirical}

i look at her when she's in my arms and smiling that sweet, happy, heart-melting smile of hers. when we find a quiet moment together i pray that one day she will fight for something great with the "warrior" in her that fights sleep so much now. i pray that we show her all the things worth fighting for in this life and that she choses carefully. and with grace.

i don't take names lightly. i believe that God truly does know us by name before we even exist. and i know that louisa's name was picked for her before we even knew she would join our family. i know that her graceful fighting spirit is not a mistake. it is not a flaw. one day (hopefully soon) we will make it out of this together and know that it served for good.

all things work together for good.

oh it's you! {louisa's birth story}

so this is how it happened...

{story told by me, of course. illustrated by the beautiful photos of michelle taulbee photo}

taken the day before louisa was born

our second baby was a week late. and honestly she probably would have stayed in there longer if we had let her. knowing how she is now--such a snuggler--i'm convinced she was just too comfortable, despite the fact that my body started trying to have her more than a week prior.

"induction" was not something that i looked on fondly. definitely not part of the plan. when everyone and their mama told me for sure that i would have this baby early, not only was it irritating that everyone got my hopes up, but the fact that i had to have the conversation with my midwife about what to do if i passed 41 weeks sent me into a whirlwind of unexpected worry.

a few days before i was due i had my first bout of false labor. all through saturday afternoon and night until 3am i had mild contractions (a few toe curlers in there) that tried organizing themselves and then fell apart. on my due date i had my membranes stripped and was directed to drink more than the standard dosage of castor oil. let's just say that wasn't a fun day. it kicked me into my second round of false labor, which once again ended as quickly as it started. the friday following my due date i was once again "stimulated and aggravated" (as my midwife says), bringing on round 3 of false labor. but still nothing.

saturday night and sunday i started trying every trick in the book to make my body go into labor. i mean, really. everything. people were texting me, calling me, passing me waddling down the streets of my neighborhood telling me the things that worked for them. and none of them brought on so much as a single decent contraction.

4cm dilated, 75% effaced, baby sitting directly on my cervix. ready, but not ready.

i'll say here that waiting on a late baby is far worse than not knowing the gender. my husband and i were a ball of anxiety. we sat around at home doing nothing for weeks because we assumed at any moment we could be in the throws of labor. eventually towards the end we had to agree to resume life as normal. it wasn't doing any of us good to sit around. so on sunday afternoon, i put away my phone, and we took a drive out to a farm by the river and took some time away from things. it felt good not to think about baby for once.

when i showed up monday morning my midwife saw me in the waiting room and said "you know i skipped sunday school! i thought for sure that baby was coming!" (she had a knack for keeping me in high spirits.) she had mentioned inducing me before, but on that day we had the serious conversation. it was agreed that i would be back in a couple of days, and if i wasn't having contractions that the next morning would be the induction.

the i-word. ugh. luckily she hates pitocin, which put me a little more at ease. her method would involve 1. a cervical ripening agent applied to my cervix in order to thin me out all the way; 2. an enema; 3. breaking my water.

it was a lot to take in, but honestly, i trust her. when on tuesday morning i felt not so much as a single contraction despite my very typical day around town (trying to encourage a very inconvenient location for my water to break), i became at peace with the induction plan. everything about that morning was peaceful. the whole time i fought the idea, saying "why can't this just happen the way God planned it? why won't my body just go into labor?" but what i realized was, God's plan doesn't always look like what we think it does. i tend to follow the theory of "it should be done as closely as God designed it; how nature does it." but we don't live in some primitive basic world anymore. science exists. modern medicine exists. and i was blessed with probably the most perfect health care provider to take an interest in me and my pregnancy. in her experience, letting a baby go too far past term presented more risks than the induction.

wednesday morning, july 1st, one week past my due date, my husband and i packed our car (just in case), called a sitter for our 2 year old, and went off to what was supposed to be my last appointment. but by the time we got there we had become so open to this new plan. our midwife saw us out in the waiting room, came out to us, and we mutually decided to have a baby that day.

she had to finish her daily appointments, but admitted us to the hospital where we would slowly begin the induction process.

this whole time i envisioned laboring at home and making the drive to the hospital towards the end of labor to deliver there. but looking back on how it all happened, it was perfect. we had the morning and afternoon to just relax at the hospital.

at 12:30pm my midwife came over at lunch and administered the cervical ripener. it brought on some mild contractions so i walked the halls, squatting during contractions.

at 3pm i was administered an enema to clean out my insides and make better room for baby to move down the birth canal. (once again, super fun--almost as fun as the castor oil.)

at 5:30pm my midwife arrived and broke my water.

almost immediately contractions picked up with great intensity. they wanted to get a bag of fluids in me before things got really intense, so i laid in the bed, on my left side, for about 30 minutes while they monitored baby and hydrated me. by the time that was over, i could barely talk through contractions.

"good!" proclaimed my midwife. "now out of that bed! let's get you in the shower!"

while i remembered to tell my husband to pack swim trunks for himself, i forgot the fact that i too would be in the shower. but honestly at that point i didn't care! send in an audience to watch me labor fully nude, whatever. all i knew was that shower felt so good. 

i'll interject here and say that the process beyond the breaking of my water gave me the greatest anxiety. if you've read my birth story with june or know about it, you know how long it was. it put a bad taste in my mouth for attempting natural childbirth in hospitals. i was so greatly let down. by the experience. by my body. if it hadn't been for my amazing support team, it may have been worse than it was. in short, i delivered a healthy baby--safely--but i labored for 30 hours, the environment was high-stress, my body responded slowly, and it was far from the natural childbirth experience i had hoped for. i feared that--despite not being stressed this time around--that i might still labor for a long time. that i wouldn't know how to read my body. that i wouldn't make it through without pain medication.

but my fears didn't take long at all to dissipate.

i stood holding the shower grab bar, switching between rocking my hips and squatting. my husband stood behind me and sprayed hot water across my shoulders and upper back. it felt SO good. i totally get the whole water thing now. my midwife stayed close by, asking how i was doing, getting me to move into new positions. what ended up being the best was sitting on a yoga ball in the shower, rocking my hips and then bouncing during contractions.

within the hour contractions were nearly back to back, each one more intense than the last. i focused on my breathing and moaned through the exhales as i neared and entered transition. my midwife told me to let her know when i felt like it was time to push.

"when can she push?" asked my husband

"when she feels like she's ready. she'll know."

i thought back to that feeling when i pushed out june. my epidural had worn off at that point and i felt everything. the intense pressure. the relief that came with pushing.

very soon i started bearing down gently through contractions to relieve the pressure. "it can't be time," i thought. "there's no way i've dilated the remaining 5cm in this short amount of time." but i felt like it was time, and my husband let my midwife know.

she came and checked baby's heartbeat. "ain't nothin' wrong with that boo-boo!" then she had me sit with my husband straddling me on the bench seat in the shower so she could check me.

"no kidding, girl! you're 10cm. baby's right there. you wanna deliver in here? just like this and i'll hand you baby?"

i sat against the body of my husband, still spraying water on me. my midwife sat on the yoga ball across from me, holding my feet on her thighs.

in my head i was thinking, there's no way this is happening. i felt disbelief and intense elation all at the same time knowing that our baby was about to come out. but despite all that, all i could only muster out a

"yes. YES."

"ok. push when you're ready."

so i started pushing. groaning. probably growling. there were a lot of sounds. i remember my midwife looking into my eyes going "that's it. don't run from the pain. push through the pain."

and so i did. two more times.

and then she was here.

just like that.

two short hours after my water was broken.

i cradled my baby, marveling over the miracle of her little body. that she was a girl (you can see from the photo above even my midwife was shocked to see she was a girl). that she was here. that i was DONE. and i did it. i worked with my body and the way God made it to function. what a privilege and honor. i thought of all the answered prayers.

this one totally melts my heart

she came so fast that her head kept it's round little shape! 

***

although, admittedly, i felt like a superhero when i was done, laid up on the hospital bed while i was stitched up, i contribute so much more than my own self to the success of this birth. if you are finding yourself in a similar situation--either wanting a different birth story than your last, or just wanting the success of your first, i'd like to share what i think made all of this so different.

1. prayer -- with my first birth, i had the mindset of "people do this all the time. i can do it, too. i'm strong." but i had no idea what i would actually be facing. i was very naive. this time i tried to swallow my pride and realize that the only reason my body has carried a child and would deliver a child was because of God. and that no amount of prayer was too great. when people asked if they could do anything for us at the end of pregnancy, i almost always said "pray" and welcomed the prayers of others. it's probably the most i've ever asked for prayer outright.

2. my midwife -- my first midwife never showed for my birth. one crazy nurse hovered over me during labor, and a doctor i'd never met delivered my baby at the last minute. the midwife i had this time was instantly invested in me personally. the whole relationship felt different right away. i love her. trust her. i am eternally grateful that she allowed me to labor the way that i did. she's a pro, y'all. if you're in my area and having a baby, i would recommend her 100 times over. so ask me about her! and if you're not, don't be afraid to "shop around" (so to speak) for a healthcare provider. if you have any doubts about being supported for the birth that you want--no matter what that looks like--find someone that makes you feel like you're well taken care of and invested in. it makes all the difference.

3. knowing my body and the birth process -- the first time i hadn't even researched the stages of labor. i didn't know what to expect from my body. i didn't know the physical aspects behind what happens when you birth a child, which is part of what made it so foreign. this time around i tried to understand every stage and every process and every change that my body would make before baby came. it helped me to know what was going on.

4. specifics for my labor partner -- my husband was a key element in both deliveries (and a friend to act as my doula for the first). i couldn't have done it without him. i love the intimacy that was between us when things got really intense. he was amazing. but with june i never took the time to tell my team what they could do for me. and i suppose that's because i didn't know?? having been through it once made it a little easier. but still, it would have been good to give them a "bag of tricks" so to speak--things that you think might help you through a difficult situation.

5. yoga and the idea of relaxation -- many people recommend prenatal yoga for the physical fitness, but it did so much for me mentally as well. it totally transformed my mind to the thought of how to handle contractions. i learned that not only was it important to relax between contractions, but also during them (as much as possible). i learned what kept my body open and allowed it to work. i learned how to work with it and not against it. and when i took control of my breath when i felt a contraction creeping up, i managed it so much better. a few of them got away from me and that's when i came the closest to losing it. i became emotional, fearful, and near tears.

6. trying the tricks but not relying on the tricks -- i did, took, and ate anything and everything i could possibly read about or hear about to make this thing easier on me. i practiced yoga, ate well, took naps (or tried to), walked almost nightly, drank raspberry leaf tea, took evening primrose oil, ate dates and pineapple--all during pregnancy for a smoother pregnancy and easier labor. i tried nearly everything to naturally induce labor. the labor inducing things obviously didn't work. i can't say whether or not the other things did anything. and if they did, i obviously can't pinpoint which one. all i know is my labor was FAST. maybe it's because of all the false labor and the fact that i was 5cm and fully effaced when my water was broken (the most likely candidate). but who knows. towards the end of my pregnancy i actually stopped doing/taking/eating all the things i was doing because at that point i knew it was in God's hands. we are never in control! we can try, but we aren't!

7. keeping an open mind -- even though my first birth was completely not what i thought it would be, i still got caught in the trap this time around of thinking that things would go a certain way. when i finally allowed myself to be at peace with letting things happen how they happen, i felt such a weight off my shoulders.

birth stories come in so many different shapes and sizes. they are immensely personal. i love to hear them. i don't care who it is or how it happened. i don't care if you scheduled a c-section or if your husband delivered your baby at home or if an adoption agent placed your baby in your arms (because that's a birth story, too)--i love hearing them.

while ultimately the healthy delivery of baby (or babies) is what's important, we as women and the carriers of these children cannot be denied the experience of childbirth. it is so important to be acknowledged not only as a vessel for life, but as an individual having a deeply moving experience. that has to be respected. whatever helps you gain that respect-- do it. invest in it. find people that will invest in your baby and YOU.

even though this birth didn't go as i planned it, i wouldn't change a single thing about it. i am 110% sure that it went how it was meant to. i felt guarded and safe and respected. my baby arrived into perfect health. what more could i ask?

and now i've got some squishy cheeks to smooch and a couple of hungry bellies to feed. motherhood at it's most basic :)

until next time!

last minute thoughts before baby

things around my house are quieting down

i've made time for naps almost daily for the past few weeks. this unbearable heat (especially when you're 9 months pregnant) has us inside most days. i've given in to tv and movies for our 2 year old as much as i did in the first trimester. and i'm ok with that. it keeps her still...mostly. it keeps me from wearing myself out. it mostly keeps the peace. after mid-morning i call it quits and tell her she has to play, until about 4 or 5 when i have to start thinking about what quick and easy thing i can whip up for dinner.

speaking of dinners and food, i can't tell you how much i have enjoyed the success of our garden this year. we have three beds, and right now more tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, blueberries, and nearly-ripe cantaloupe than we could imagine. a few strawberries, onions, potatoes, and heads of lettuce are peeking their delicious faces at us as well. i remember the night we found out i was pregnant, coming home to last year's garden (which failed miserably) to find dozens of tomatoes. and now, here i am, on the verge of bursting, and our garden--one season later--is flourishing. it reminds me how blessed we are.

impatience has set in, as all of the claims to early delivery have now been shushed, since my due date is tomorrow and we've had nothing more than a couple of small false alarms. two weeks in row my midwife announced me at only 1cm dilated. not effaced. still posterior.

ugh.

the words of those close and even perfect strangers ring in my head:

"the second one always comes faster!"
"you won't make it till next week!"
"oh i was 3cm for weeks with my second--it'll be so much easier for you!"

and here i am, still hoisting myself into the easier yoga positions every day, walking most every night, eating mounds of dates, drinking raspberry leaf tea, taking large doses of evening primrose oil--and baby is still snug as a bug in a rug.

and that's fine. it really is.

is it annoying that we have to keep buying groceries (because every week feels like it'll be your last before you move to freezer meals and take-out and meals from your friends and neighbors and church for a while)? yes. am i aggravated that i have to re-clean my house because 2 weeks ago i scrubbed it from top to bottom? sure. even the fact that i had to re-paint my toenails yesterday because the 10-day-no-chip finally maxed out. those things are slightly irritating.

but nothing compares to the part of my brain where june's birth still sits with me. long. foreign. hard. nothing like i thought it would be. the truth is, i've prayed for peace, i've rested on peace, and still i'm fearful.

i voiced my fears to my husband about a week ago and when i got done (which felt good), it was funny because his fears were the exact opposite. while i feared laboring too long, going to the hospital too soon, accepting defeat and an epidural (and what that might lead to), HE actually fears that i'll stay home too long and he will have to deliver this baby on the side of the road! then i saw some of the humor in the situation. it made it easier to come out of the cloud of uncertainty.

a few weeks ago our pastor preached on the popular "the lord is my shepherd" psalm 23. he talked about how profound the part about resting in green pastures was, about how hard it was to be a sheep--constantly stalked by predators, never at ease...how glorious it was that a sheep may lie in green pastures.

i envisioned myself in green pastures. and i found it. i found my safe place.

deep breathing and the power of envisioning yourself somewhere else are two of the key elements to making it through labor that i read and re-read. deep breathing, check. i can do that. i already did that. but how do i relax? how do i find a calm space?

i can let my Shepherd take me to lie in green pastures.

those that have been there may be saying at this point "sure, let me know how that works out for you!" and let me assure you, i remember well it well. i remember nothing but the pain of what felt like someone trying to drive a 747 jumbo jet out of my pelvis. but maybe. juuusssttttt maybe, this time, i can make room for one more thought and make it through this.

and maybe my body will help me out by preparing a little more in advance this time ;)

i don't necessarily want quick. or easier. i just want something less than 24 hours. less than 12 would be even better! but even if it's not, i can rest knowing that the sensations won't be so foreign. that i have a midwife who desperately wants to be present at this birth! who believes in me and my body's ability to do what God made it to do.

"you're just gonna go in there, you're gonna do hard work, and you're going to have this baby the way God intended."

amen and amen.

so start praying now, friends! i may not have the chance to ask when baby starts to make his or her way, so pray for me now. pray for baby now. pray for the people in the room. pray for my green pastures.

and now a two year old sits in her room going "mooooooom!" upon waking up from her nap. when did she start calling me "mom?" child, you are 2 1/2. we live in the south. i am still mama! i can't deal with being mom just yet. ha! and while you're at it, pray for big sister, too. she's not quite old enough to understand the whirlwind she's about to be pulled into! :)

so this is pregnancy

here i am at 6 months, and i'm just going to tell you right now: i don't love this pregnancy. do i think it's a totally magical time? absolutely. do i love my body more than i ever have? you bet. i would wear a bikini to the beach, today, right now. pregnancy gives me a strange confidence. not to say i don't have days where i feel like nothing looks good on me and pout in my underwear in my closet as i stare at my clothes. but i get that pregnancy is a powerful, amazing, and nothing to take for granted. it's a blessing i don't deserve.

the first time around, i was one of those odd pregnant women that loved being pregnant. LOVED it. even at the end. i don't hate it this time, but i'm definitely understanding the other side of the argument. i'm getting all those other things that they warn you about: terrible indigestion, leg cramps, sciatica (my only complaint last time), peeing an ounce every 20 minutes, allergies out of nowhere (yeah! they don't tell you about that! did you know some people actually have to give away their pets for a while because they develop horrible allergic reactions to their own animals?! it happens!).

i'm also generally pretty mellow during pregnancy. i get a little sensitive weepy in the beginning, but overall i'm even-tempered. people were amazed by it during my first pregnancy. but this time, even with all that mellow-ness, i've found that i've developed a few "hot button" issues. so because social media ranting is frowned upon, i'll share them here:

1. bad customer service...i.e. anything less than outstanding customer service. i don't know if it's because i'm pregnant with a toddler, or if i've been in fairhope so long that i've developed some sort of entitlement, but i will not accept anything less than great customer service. coming from several jobs where i had to bend over backwards to make customers happy, i don't understand management that doesn't enforce the same things with it's customers. it's been proven as the #1 driving force behind customer loyalty. i've written letters, asked for managers, all of that. if i get bad service somewhere, and if for some reason you decide to bag my groceries in plastic before asking me my bag preference, i swear i will pack my shiznay and not come back to your store unless it's carrying a giant attitude. and i might write a letter.

if you see a pregnant woman with a 2 year old up in your store, you better give her good service!!!

2. the mom comparison game. oooooh this one burns me right up. especially the stay-at-home vs working mom comparison. hey! guess what?! i've done both and THEY ARE BOTH HARD. if you are a mom at all--if you have a child under your care, no matter how many, you deserve more than one day of obligated thanks. you've done hard things. you'll do more hard things. and for being such a wonderful country, our government's parent policies just plain suck. we deserve more.

but if you're a working mom, don't you dare make a stay-at-home mom feel like she's got it easy just because she doesn't have to work around her work schedule to meet the demands of her children. stay-at-home moms have no personal schedule because they're always meeting the demands of their children.

and if you're a stay-at-home mom, don't you dare make a working mom feel like she has it easy because she can't give herself to her children 24/7. or because she gets to have adult conversation and real thoughts and eat lunch in peace every day. because she'd trade it in an instant to have more vacation days to spend with her children. to not feel like she's paying someone else to raise her children.

and if you're a work-at-home mom, don't you dare make either of the above feel like somehow they're less because they can't do both. because when you work from home, you're neither fully employed or fully a mom. it's a constant battle and you constantly have to choose between your work and your kids. you hear yourself say "not now, mama's busy" way too many times, and chances are your boss/clients don't understand the days when you have to throw your hands up and accept that no work is getting done that day because your kid will simply not have it.

there's no magical answer. no easy way to be a mom. what all moms need is more mom support. end of story.

rant conclusion

************

part II (since i piece these things together during several different writing sessions):

today i woke up and, for some reason, at nearly 7 months into this, i realized my daughter's days of being an only child are soon ending. they're dwindling. and soon i will say goodbye to my days as a mother of one. i have a very short time to make it count with her.

this time has gone by so fast. partly because, well--she's only two. but also because it just does!

it has made me grateful for the decisions i have made as a parent not to be pressured into anything before i was ready, despite the opinion of others. "the days are long but the years are short." isn't that what they say? so true.

if there's anything i'd say to a first-time mom about parenting, i'd say: no matter how you choose to parent, do it because it's how YOU want to do it. not anyone else around you. consult your significant other before anyone else. parent together. make the decision together. as long as you're agreed, you can discuss the matters with others, but don't bring outsiders (no matter how close you are) into the decision-making process. because, you know what? times are different. situations are different. children are different. YOU are different. do what you think is best. when YOU are ready. how YOU want to do it. (just, for the love of pete, don't break any laws like putting your 10 month old in a forward-facing carseat.)

i'm glad i didn't wean before we were ready, send my daughter packing for the weekend before WE were ready, or do anything else that made me uncomfortable. because in the grand scheme of things, she received nutrition and comfort from me for 22 short months. she spent every night within earshot of us for 2 tiny years. we learned the hard way through night terrors what an off-schedule or overtired baby can get you. so all that schedule worry that people say is crazy, because "it's impossible to keep a baby on a schedule" paid off because we've only had one repeat, and i don't care for any more.

maybe you're the opposite kind of parent, and hey, cool. i'm glad that works for you. i'm glad you found what works. that's all we can ever hope for--something that works in this wild and crazy ride.

now for those that didn't come for unsolicited parenting advice from an unqualified parent of one, here's a few fun current pregnancy facts:

-- cravings: fruit, asian noodle bowls (like pho and real ramen and coconut soup), and fish tacos--this may be because i'm having a summer baby this time and "comfort foods" just make me uncomfortable

-- weight gain: somewhere around 18lbs, but it fluctuates depending on how bad my indigestion is

-- names: we have a few we like (a top 5 list maybe?) and we aren't sharing. sorry. mostly because this all depends on who this baby is and what he or she looks like to us upon arrival! it could all change!

-- still have a belly button

-- i'm now big enough for june to identify the "baby", and she always wants to show it to people bare naked (as if they can't tell through my clothing). i also think she thinks that access to the baby is through my belly button ;) she sometimes digs in it like she wants to open it and peek inside. but to answer a very popular question: no, she's 2, and she doesn't understand that we're having an actual baby so i don't know how she feels about it

-- my fundal height, aka the size of my uterus is right on track (june was the same)

-- baby doesn't kick so much as just do strange movements and bladder punches--i don't feel feet or hands poking out; with june i almost always knew where her feet were, which is funny because even to this day she will dig her feet into the person closest, and always has to have them free

-- my hair and nails don't feel or look as mega-healthy as they did last pregnancy

-- we are not "doing" a nursery and we don't really have colors; we plan to move june from her toddler bed (the convertible crib) to a legit twin bed, and then we plan to room share when the baby is sleeping through the night....assuming june is sleeping through the night then, too (please, please God, please). yes i'm a designer, but i'm also a realist and a minimalist. right now we only need a bassinet since i'm breastfeeding and need baby close for a while.

-- still doing yoga, still love it. i'll probably continue after pregnancy. i think sciatica will probably be the major complaint in all of my pregnancies, especially towards the end, but most sources claim that it will set in sooner on your second pregnancy. mine actually came later, and i credit that to being more active this pregnancy

-- labor is my biggest fear. not the pain, and not the possibilities of emergencies, but just that it will be long and that the staff will be foreign and unsupportive. that i won't be respected as the mother going through the experience of childbirth, and even though baby's safety is priority, i still matter. my wishes still count. i'm working and praying on peace in this matter, but i'm also doing more to prepare this time around. and i'll take your prayers in this arena as well!

that's it! i honestly don't know if i'll make it to another post before baby--this one was worked on in bits and pieces for months. oh, the luxury of time before children!!

so wish us luck and send us prayers for a smooth and quick delivery! the hospital is 25-30min away and i'm staying home much longer with this one so just pray jeremy doesn't have to deliver the baby ;)

bring on the chaos

5 months pregnant and already this baby is waking me up with all his or her moving around. i don't remember when it was apparent in my pregnancy with june, but we have begun to see movement from the outside. for several weeks the movements have been strong, but i feel like this baby has been so low down in my pelvis that it would be impossible to see--now that baby is bigger and my uterus is past my belly button, we have more of a viewing space.

one night i had just settled into bed and i reached over to grab my chapstick from my nightstand (a very normal, very usual movement that i make) when

"OW!" i cried out. my husband quickly reached over and asked what was wrong. "i don't know! i felt something!"

it felt as if i had leaned over on a stick, or like someone had taken their index finger and jammed me in the side. i also momentarily wondered if i had popped some important ligament thingy.

but no. just a baby. an active, strong-kicking baby.

maybe feeling more movement is typical for a second pregnancy, or maybe because i'm carrying 25 fewer pounds than last time? i don't know. but i definitely don't think june was that active in utero.

but speaking of an active june, we are impatiently waiting out the cold weather. as much as i don't mind pajama days inside with soup and blankets, she's clearly losing her mind. we had a warm snap for a few days over the weekend, and just her being outside was like someone had swapped her out for the cheery little girl i know and love. (we are also getting over the longest, most drawn out household winter crud, so i'm sure that has contributed to her moodiness. coughs, ear infections, and antibiotics are no one's friend.)

other than that, i'm enjoying the age of two, actually. despite being an intelligent toddler, she's been slower than some with her vocabulary. she's very rapidly putting together phrases, and having much more success in copying words. it's just one more thing adding to the amazing fact that she's her own person with her own thoughts. my husband and i find ourselves doing that super annoying parent thing where we go "did you hear that?" or we laugh at her short phrases, which to anyone else would warrant a "yeah, so?" but when you hear it for the first time from your own child's mouth--there's just something so cool about that.

and i discovered through reading the title of a book to her that she can identify a few alphabet letters. (pbs gets all the credit for this because i've certainly not spent time doing anything with the alphabet except sing it when we wash our hands).

there are parts of a growing mind that are fun, but also parts that are incredibly challenging. like my increasing awareness that it takes more than our standard, day-to-day aimless "let's just survive until daddy gets home" to keep her entertained, especially when the outdoors are out of the question. her activity level has to keep up with her brain development, and that's hard.

babies are so easy. you lay them down on a mat, or put them in a bouncy seat with some toys attached and that's their play time for the day. with toddlers you actually have to think and plan and use your own brain.

*SIGH*

i should make it known here that i hate planning and lists and schedules and chore charts and anything remotely related to all that stuff.

but i've reached what i feel like is a very pivotal point in motherhood where i have accepted to be the lord over that which i've been entrusted. (shout out to my friend lindsey who pointed me towards the podcast that led to this--and for those of you who've ever been in a big "what's next?" phase, let me highly recommend the "keeping watch" podcast from passion city church. it wasn't some big life changing message, but it helped me uncover what i knew was there all along, and to be confident in that. does that make any sense at all??) does that mean i beat myself up for a day that was spent mostly watching curious george? or when the house just gets increasingly post-natural disaster-looking? or when i have to tell my child "sorry baby, mama's working right now"? no. but it does mean i take more awareness in that. i'm trying to be a lot more proactive in our days.

and as much as i said above that i hate schedules, i kind of live on one, whether i like it or not. so some days i have to tell myself "it won't kill us to go do {insert activity} just because we didn't plan on it when we woke up." or just because i woke up with little sleep and in a bad mood doesn't mean i can't put that aside and think of a fun activity to do with my girl. i'm the lord over my days. and toddler's pick up on that.

i'll also say here that, despite it's rising popularity, right now we have no plans to home school. honestly the thought scares the living you-know-what out of me. that being said, it's not totally out of the question, either. sometimes i think God gives you scary things to conquer for a reason. but there's also a little thing called wisdom, and i have to be able to decide if putting my children's education in my own hands would be a good idea. ha! but whatever your thoughts on the matter, i've decided that having some sort of educational play is important if you're home with a child. its inevitable. our days are a lot less whine and tantrum-filled when i give her constructive play things. do we go collect and document leaf types and tape them on the wall? do i use the hashtag #montessoriathome? hahahaha. no. usually i just tell her to stuff some pipe cleaners through a colander.  or play with a bowl of dry beans. i've even noticed, despite my curious george approval as an ok tv show, that things are more peaceful with the tv off. but i also work from home so some days tv is necessary to distract her for long enough for me to have a complete brain wave that's not revolved around cutting up hotdogs and finding a clean pair of tiny toddler underwear.

anyway, i have no thoughts to wrap this up into a cohesive piece of literature, so i'll just end here.

but with one little piece of encouragement first:

if you're a first time mom of a younger toddler, embrace 2! there is nothing more amazing than watching your child learn. their brain seems to make leaps and bounds at this age. it's fascinating. there will be tantrums, public meltdowns, days where you're sure you won the most points for public stares, days where you tell your husband (or friend, or whoever) with 100% certainty that you need a day off before you run away and never come back, days where you stuff your face with zaxby's in a dark parking lot in silence, just to enjoy an entire meal without someone wanting part of it or needing something 5 times before you get a warm bite.

but it's totally worth it.

(and somewhere out there is a mom of 4 going "she doesn't even know yet!" and you're right. i don't. but you were the mom of only one child once, too. unless you had twins or multiples first. and then you're off the hook. for everything. carry on.)

2 years, and half way

in the past week i've celebrated both the half-way mark in my pregnancy, and my daughter's second birthday.

kid birthdays are a strange animal, especially at two. because you know it's really not a big deal to your kid, but just because they don't care doesn't necessarily mean you want to reduce it down to a cookie cake with an open bag of chips and store-bought dip (not that i'm hating on anyone that's done that--in fact, props to you, real moms of the world). the party was very small, very intimate, and really i just enjoyed being able to talk to everyone on the beautiful day that was given to us at the end of january. i must remember that next time before i spend an hour and a half staring at party decorations and walking aimlessly up and down the party aisles at hobby lobby 15 times...

i started to find myself strangely disappointed at the people who didn't show that i always thought would be there. but really, i think it just helped solidify for me that we're in a new stage in life. hanging on to the old one has hindered me from really growing roots here. the more i resist putting down my own intentional roots, the more bitter ones start to grow. and that won't help me feel at home here at all. the small gathering of people that were there: those are the ones that God has given us to usher us into this new phase in life. it's high time i realized that and started being intentional about my relationships here. fairhope will never be pensacola. because they're not the same. and so our life can't be the same. my daughter has spent over half her life here now. and we'll raise our second child here. and probably the third, if/when that happens. this is home.

speaking of babies, around 18 weeks i moved past the "questionable isolated weight gain" phase and into the "it's probably safe to assume she's pregnant phase." i feel much more pregnant-looking this time around. of course, i also started out 25 lbs lighter than with my first, so that might make some of the difference.

just as with my daughter, just about everyone (including me) thinks it's a boy. so that probably means i'll hear my husband cry out "it's a girl!" again. that's just how it works, i suppose :) my midwife told me to trust my "mama gutt" but it led me far astray last time. so i'm leaving it to what it is.

and speaking of gender, people tend to have this notion that gender has to be "balanced" in a family. i've heard so many people say "let's hope it's a boy this time!" i really don't understand that. i'm borderline offended by it. and i know they don't mean it in an offensive way at all, but it insinuates that a girl would be less desirable, because then we'd have 2 girls and that would just be unbalanced. hell, i don't care if i have 4 girls (well, actually i do because when they all reach the tween and teenage years i'll surely go screaming into the night at some point). they'll all be equally wanted and loved. all equally desired. my prenatal yoga instructor (yes i'm doing that now--i've had one class but i absolutely loved it) put it perfectly when talking about her 4 grandsons:

sure, we may have all wanted a girl by that point, but when he was born, it was like "oh, it's you! who else could it be?!"

that is by far the most perfect description of what it's like when your child is born. i think that's why i don't like knowing the gender. i don't want snippets of who my child is. i don't want to assign an "appropriate" gender or personality to this baby before we have a chance to meet him or her. i want that exhausted, exhilarating feeling when they arrive and you meet, 100% in that moment.

"oh, it's you {june}!" not peter, not anthony, not susannah. it's you. who else could you be?

personally, that's how i'll probably always want it to be. i love knowing what other people are having. i love to share in their excitement. but since i've waited once, i'm hooked on that experience.

we do have running lists of names, but, i found out that my most-favored female name has quickly climbed into the top 50 girl names list, so that one's out. process of elimination, i guess! naming is a hard adventure. but i don't know why i worry. we all know this baby will be nameless for a day or so again!

in adventures of pregnancy, things are slowly smoothing out. i still have bad days, usually bad nights because for some reason as soon as my head hits my pillow at night, i get slightly nauseated, sometimes waking in the middle of the night, positive i'm going to throw up (but i don't). but they're fewer and farther between. i have headaches all the time, and they vary in tolerability. a few weeks ago i had one very very terrible migraine along with elevated blood pressure. and once i knew my blood pressure was up, i couldn't sleep that whole night, imagining worst case scenarios: bed rest, early c-sections, etc. but i went in to see my midwife, she gave me a shot and knocked me out for about 20 hours to get in some needed rest and get my blood pressure down low for a while. luckily it was a one time incident and since then (besides minor headaches), i've been fine. i bought a blood pressure monitor and it stays low. so for those that said prayers, thank you!!

{also, i'm convinced that everyone should take sleep vacations, especially when you have kids and you can't remember exactly when you last got a true, full night's sleep--i felt amazing afterwards...for one whole day ;) }

so other than the added exhaustion of keeping up with a 2-year-old, i'm finally feeling normal again. some days i don't even need to take a nap to function past 4pm!

i'm looking forward to finishing out the next 20 weeks smoothly. and i got around to journaling my thoughts sooner than i thought this time, so maybe you'll hear from me again soon! :)

first trimester recap

now, enough with all the seriousness already.

onto the fun stuff!

since i'm already in my second trimester, i decided to jot down a few things about my first trimester (and what feels like is still my first trimester, since not much has changed). and for those of you who like to guess the sex using old wives tales, some of these may help you formulate a guess :)

* i was sick, but not as sick as i was with june. it's been very hit or miss and gradually gotten better. i have fewer days where i feel bad, and it's usually when i overdo it on the amount or content of the food i eat.

* my face looks like a teenager's, i.e. serious acne. that is one thing that has gotten better since the second trimester's arrival. thank goodness!

* my energy is gone. it's never coming back. i'm convinced...ok i'm half kidding, but dang! i'm wiped out. around 15 weeks with june i felt like a new woman. i enjoyed almost everything about pregnancy except for the sciatic nerve pain (which i don't have this time). i'm still waiting on that energy burst. yesterday i laid down for a "cat nap" while my toddler was napping and woke up two hours later (thank goodness for long toddler naps). and i was still ready for bed at 9:00.

* half my life is lived in the following conundrum and internal dialogue:
"mannnn i've gotta pee so bad!"
"i really don't want to move."
"but i have to pee!"
"empty bladder? comfy couch? empty bladder? comfy couch?"...the scales are never balanced
(at night just exchange "couch" for "bed")

* and on that note, i'll add that having a newly potty trained toddler is incredibly easy when you're pregnant. because every time we leave the house, i have to pee as much (if not more) than she does. thus, no forgotten potty breaks.

* on a second semi-related note, i'll also add that the 3-day potty training bootcamp is THE BOMB. long story short, june had been half trained since around 19 months. we also cloth diaper. being half in cloth diapers is worse than being all the way in cloth diapers. and that's saying a lot. (can you tell i really love cloth diapering?) i couldn't bear the thought of dealing with another dirty diaper while i was on the verge of vomiting half the time, so i did some desperate online searching. 3 days later, no diapers. done. bam. it works, people.

* back up to the comfy couch note. how has dealing with a toddler been, you ask? and not just any toddler, but the very active toddler, who, when introduced to the new kids in her once-a-week gym class earned the title of "physical risk taker"...yeah, that one? well, other than the week where i caught a nasty cold that made me feel like death, it's been better than i thought. there are two three things i know. 1: my daughter will watch--from start to finish--any charlie brown movie, polar express, narnia, and countless episodes of curious george. 2: all standards i had on child-rearing before becoming pregnant have gone out the window. television has gotten me through most days. and that's all that matters. 3: polar express is actually a good movie, but if you're pregnant, be prepared to totally lose it during the part where santa flies away.

* i'm carrying an ice baby. that's what i call it. ice, ice baby. i'm kidding (kind of). with june i was a flaming torch. hot all the time. i radiated heat from my body. if i was in a predator movie, i would have been dead in no time. this time around, except for the occasional hot flash, i'm always cold. i've slept in a sweatshirt once or twice. in church we have to switch seats seven times before i find one that isn't directly under an air vent funneling the polar vortex to the seats below. it's winter! turn off the a/c!

* i discovered that coffee makes me feel much worse than without. but i remember last pregnancy going through caffeine withdrawals while pregnant and that was AWFUL. so i found a ginger tea (yay for ginger, the nausea fighter--and this one had real ginger, which is really freaking hard to find) that also happens to be pretty caffeinated. and that did the trick for a little while. BUT...it's still not coffee. i can pretend to be a tea drinker and fool no one. i love coffee. i've loved it since i had to stand on a stool to make it (which, at 5'2" probably wasn't all that long ago). so i've discovered that if i make a 1/3 heated milk and 2/3 weak, non-flavored, non-sweetened coffee concoction, that i can handle it. so that's what i do.

* i must be some kind of delusional fool because i signed up for a prenatal yoga class. i'm trying to focus on staying physically active during this pregnancy, for many reasons. first, it helps me feel better. secondly, my midwife swears by it for a quicker labor. and lastly, it's something i've put off for way too long as a general health practice. so, in addition to my walks and at-home exercise, i found a once a month or so class and i'm going to go. and look like a total idiot. fairhope moms walk around like they've all just been to a yoga class. and they probably have. there's 4 studios in a 1 mile radius. i wear yoga pants because that's all that fits me these days. so i've got one foot in the door. ha! not...

* chia seeds. my digestive best friend.

* not finding out the gender has been helpful for evading the "name game." you know the one. where you start favoring this darling little name, you tell it in confidence to someone you think you can trust, and then they drop a bomb like this: "ooooh, yeah. my great aunt was murdered by someone with that name. no. no you can NOT name your baby that." well, thanks. certainly don't want any murderer babies.

so listen up. we're not sharing any names with you. any of you. nothing personal. i just don't think your kindergarten teacher's name has anything to do with our baby. and really, with the way it went with june's naming, i don't trust myself to name a baby before he or she is born. just seeing june's little face, all bright and round and sticking out from her tight little bundle ruled out so many of the names we had considered. she is a "june." it was meant for her. and i couldn't have known that without meeting her first. or if i'm in a bind and feel like being mischievous, i'm going to start making them up:

"ooh what's your favorite girl name so far?"
"well, we haven't decided for sure, but right now 'halo' is in the lead."

* and lastly, i've found a heavenly midwife for my delivery. i had a midwife for my last delivery and...actually, no. no i didn't. because she wasn't there for my delivery. my 30 hour of grueling, strapped to a bed, labor and delivery. i delivered a healthy baby. bottom line. but i was not at all pleased with the staff or progression of events. i stayed sane only because of my support team in the room. this new lady. Y'ALL. she walked in and heavenly light shone down on her. she beams joy, and she told me verbatim "i'm so glad you're choosing the natural route. this is going to be wonderful. this--THIS is why i became a midwife." and i beamed. i confessed that i had such fear about this delivery until i met her. and now i have a total peace about it. and then she beamed.

i'm delivering in a hospital, just like last time. and if there's anything i've learned, it's that delivering naturally at a hospital is near impossible. it's just not something the staff is comfortable with or used to. i don't know what's going to happen this time. i really don't. it probably won't go as planned. but knowing that i have someone who will be there the minute i arrive (and who doesn't keep doctor's hours but is instead on-call 24/7, barring some unfortunate coincidence of sickness or major emergency) and who will fight for all the things i want as the same things she wants--that feels really good.

and this time, i'll know what they really mean until they say "stay home until you can't talk through a contraction." because they mean literally, it is impossible to utter anything except a low groan. ;)


whew. that was really long. and took days to put together. so naturally, expect the same long ramblings at the end of the second trimester :)